HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Laundretta's in a Spin

LAUNDRETTA, WHO IS Matran’s girlfriend:— über-long hours hard-Working Girl extraordinaire, a Girl with enough emotional probs that, floated out on the North Atlantic, they’d reprimand the Titanic — peasy:— this Laundretta girl collared me in the hall as I skulked unwittingly home this afternoon & DELUGED me with her amaranthine emotional needs.

Her silver watch and earrings: she took them off last night & somewhere…. Hid them… Now they’re not in the appointed place… (??)…

The query being NOT just did Matran nick 'em & pipe them in the form of cocaine crack. (He’s off all that now, she insists. Which I don’t believe for a second. But he might have cut down because he has put on a great deal of weight, a telltale sign of cocaine abstinence.) But rather:— do I believe he took the jewellery, which is fresh enough to appear brand new, so she says, to give as a gift to either his “bit on the side” girlf or his babymother. —?

I don’t know! And told her this. But did keep listening and smoking…

Between her revealing this and us imbibing a can of alcohol and three cigs each and the Evil Landlord taking up clonking about downstairs (because this conversation took place in the hallway on neutral ground; all quiet and Matran at his weekly drugs test (which he either fakes or fails — surely —)) at least a half-hour of vague chitchat elapsed. Nothing is sorted. Laundretta put my head in a washing machine spin-cycle tizz with the stress of it all.

And now she’s so upset she’s vandalizing Matran’s room all lovely & nice for when he gets home…

17 comments:

Anonymous said...

You were right, completely different experience. I like reading it, but in the beginning I had no idea what you were saying. But then I started getting what you were talking about.

Thanks for the link to my site.

Gledwood said...

That's fine. I left a comment right at the beginning of yours as well. Don't know if your email tells you that...

Deb said...

she's got her knickers in a twist...is that how you'd say it? (i'm canadian, go easy on me)

Gledwood said...

Yep knickers in a twist is it!! Those are lovely pixx of your local "environs" btw.!!

Deb said...

thank you. and i love your other blog too. i'm another sausage upender. good to meet you (sort of)

Deb said...

that came out wrong. It's good to meet you. The sort of is that we're not really "meeting".

Gledwood said...

I never realized so many people did that with their sausages..!!

Deb said...

smart people

Robyne said...

Have I missed something with the sausages???

As usual your blog is entertaining. I just know the woman you are talking about...you meet them in every town..

BTW thanks for dropping by..and yes! I'm with you I think Big Brother is the biggest load of junk food for the mindless...
Robyne

Gledwood said...

Oh, right! All it was, was I gave a recipe for cooking sausages, the only Gledwoodization being that after browning the outsides, you chop them into sections and sear them closed so you have a contrast between the juicy sausages and the crispy exteriors... You need a high heat to do it properly (I'd say)...

RUTH said...

Manda (despite still being unwell) dropped round so I lost my computer for an hour again so she could read your latest posts! Like me she feels your talent is wasted....you write SO WELL, have a brilliant vocabulary, speak languages.........so talented!!!!

Gledwood said...

Yes I wish I could get paid to write. I really wish that.!!. I'm poking about trying to find out precisely how (apart from the obvious, write a book) I mean get paid a bit quicker than that...

As for the languages I have to go live abroad seriously to improve them to a full-on level bc I rang an employment agency that specialized in them a few years ago asking 1. which language (German every time) and 2. how good? They said A level isn't good enough you need to be fully fluent. I've got the A level but I'd need to go live there even just for 6 months... yes I know what you mean about wasted. I get told that a lot.

Gledwood said...

PS HI MANDA!! YOU KNOW ALL ABOUT ME NOW!!!!!

Elsie said...

Thanks for letting me know you are ok. I plead guilty too, after 4 months of blogging, there is always more to do to try to make the blog better (hmm, wonder if it really works?)Your's look great now.

I linked to your blog on my recipe blog, seems it is getting more visitors at the moment and hey, food is always good!

Stay well

Lcxxx

Elsie said...

Oh yes, will catch up will all your new posts over the weekend.

Danny said...

Sorry, but I don't realize what you mean. Can't you explain it to me?
Thank you. Danny

P.S.: everybody has an addiction or two.

Anonymous said...

Gledwood said...
Oh! I see what you mean about it being rude now!!
Gledwood
(gledwood2.blogspot)

18:58

Okay, what I mean is, I see what the warning is about now... when I went into yours I couldn't read the text but the pixx looked pretty "regular" to me - THEN I saw what those cartoon guys were doing... so I see why the warning now!!

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood