HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Wednesday, April 04, 2007


HI I'M BACK!!! Have been wallowing in my usual pit of depression entertaining stupid ideas to get out. Watching The Apprentice today I couldn't help but fantasize about going on that show to shake it up! Of course I could not tell the producers I do not actually want to win. And I have no business training. Or real experience of any merit. But, piled in with those odious nonteamplaying characters obsessing in the most unsportsmanlike way about winning I could be the wildcard, the maverick. I most certainly could shake things up, no doubt about that! Another gameshow I'd love to go on is Countdown. It is a wordgame where contestants select nine (random) letters at least three and at most five of which must be vowels. Singularly annoying clockticking music plays for 30 secs, in which time you must come up with the longest word you can. (It doesn't matter how rare or obvious it is, or which particular letters are "employed" in spelling this word out. Your score is basically how many letters long you manage to make this word. It must be listed in the Oxford dictionary so proper names are out. And, as it's a dictionary-based game, one must of course be careful about hyphenated words (not allowed), words beginning with un- (they're only allowed if specifically listed). And you'd be surprised, but the rather staid editors of the (single volume) Oxford dicko simply refuse or omit to include some rather obvious expressions... sorry but I cannot bring to mind an example. You'd think I'd be quite good at this. But, like practically ALL word games, it's not a true game of language so much as spelling, which never has been my strong point. I get loads of 4 letter words (yes, fogey that I am, I've started playing along with pen and paper. Sad I know.) A few fives. The odd six. Whereas the onscreen contestants get endless sevens, while Suzie Dent from dictionary corner (ie the "judge") comes up with loads of eights. Des O'Connor, the main presenter, who is an oldguard star of the British TV firmament, been around for years does surprise me. Suzy comes up with words like ... oh man I can't think of an example: but Des shocks me -- his vocabulary is execrable!!! He lives in childlike lexical wonder. Everything is new to him. I'm best at the numbers game. Choose any six numbers which can be big ones (25, 50, 75 or 100) or little ones (1-9) drawn at random, but you can specify however many of each type. Numbers genius Carol Voderman presses a button; a random target between 100-999 flashes up, eg make 813 from 75, 6, 7, 2,3 and 9. I can get this part spot on almost as good as the contestants. Shame it only makes up about a fifth of the game!!! I know I'd never win with my 4s and 5 letter words but I'd love to go on and win the Countdown goodie bag. Also, I don't own a proper dictionary since my last one got stolen (long story)...

Click here for Wikipedia's no doubt far more succinct description of how the game works.

Is there any news to tell? Our front door has a working lock and has not been broken down for over two weeks, which is quite a record.

Somebody got stabbed, I think, on the street round the corner from my house last night. I was there. I saw nothing, didn't realize anything was happening until Police cordened off the road with me inside the cordens ... What disgusted me was the way crowds of kids went on shouting, whooping and joking around like it was some sort of party as this very sick and injured individual lay in the middle of the cordened-off road, cars and buses piling up for half a mile or more in each direction ... What is this country coming to? Our youth are getting so seriously badly behaved they disgrace this country to the world. I have heard French people, Americans ... & so on complaining they are glad to get back to their own countries because at least they feel safer in the presence of the younger generation there. Nobody would scold or tell off a young person for acting out of order. Not unless they were willing to take their personal safety in their own hands ... After school time, Police turn up at the bus stop (idiot mayor of London Ken Livingstone gave under 16s free transport which causes utter chaos at school chucking-out times, the kids are revolting to be near, honestly ...) Police turn up in a special CCTV van and stand at the stop openly filming with camcorders like they do in riots. But this is schoolkids they're targetting ... What is this country coming to ..?..

Well I've gotta go now; I've got cod & parsley bubbling "in the bag" ... Thanks for the responses to my cry for help "what do I do?" ... They are much appreciated. See how I'm babbling away??



B.T.Bear Esq. said...

Hope you didn't burn your paws. Those cook-in-the-bag things can be treacherous to get out.

As for the Apprentice, I'd vote for anyone who didn't crawl to Alan Sugar. In fact,if anyone leapt over the desk with a Remington shouting "Aha! Take that, you yellow-tie-loving son-of-a-llama!" while shaving off that silly beard, they'd surely be internationally acclaimed the winner.

Deb said...

That word game sounds right up my alley. I love Scrabble and "Wheel of Fortune".

I don't watch The Apprentice because I can't stand any of them...most of all Donald (need a new do) Trump.

Gled - that's scary when the youth have that mentality. Hopefully they mature, but some probably don't. We have some problems here but lately things have been relatively quiet (I'm knocking on wood).

Cod & parsley sounds good..I just bought some cod with garlic and herbs. My Dad's a fisherman, so he'd be mad at me for purchasing processed fish from the store (it's a matter of convenience).

Well I'm awfully tired, been a long day today. Talk to you soon my friend.

XO Deb

Nicole said...

Cod and parsley sounds good! I haven't had one of those cook-in-the-bag things for years and they're actually quite nice.

Edyta said...

Oh yeah, i agree with everyone. Cook-in-the-bag things are tricky.
Good to see you in a better mood.

ggirl said...

"He lives in childlike lexical wonder." That's priceless!

gledwood said...

Debs: ..."garlic and herbs. My Dad's a fisherman, so he'd be mad at me for purchasing processed fish from the store (it's a matter of convenience)."

Fishermen catch processed fish too! Someone has to catch it...

(Or is he the kind of fisherman who works withOUT two-mile long reinforced dolphin-snaring seine nets...?)

Deb said...

No Gled...in "processed" I mean with the additives that you don't have when you make it with fresh fish/ingredients from home. Stuff like (and I'm reading off the stuff I buy): corn syrup solids, msg, hyroxypropyl, methylcellulose, maltodextrin, gum arabic, propylene glycol, colour, tartrazine, articifical flavour, etc.

He does both kinds of fish (although he's retired now). And, although I opt for the easier, store bought fish that I mentioned, he's got a point. I can get free fish straight out of the water and cook it with fresh ingredients or buy this frozen crap. So I go with the frozen crap for convenience sake.

Deb said...

(*he does both kinds of FISHING, not fish. Typo)

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Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood