HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, April 20, 2007

Sleepless Morning

Why, when it comes round to five a.m. can I never sleep?

1. Because it is getting light outside and

2. Because my favourite quiz show Countdown comes on. Enter a world of slightly twee niceness peopled by contestants who, unlike certain people I could mention, don't get their doors kicked off the latch by key-losing crackheads ...

3. Followed by an hour of The Hoobs. More escapism. This time peopled by puppets puppetteered by the same people who did the Muppets, Sesame Street and Fraggle Rock. I call it sci-fi as they've descended from Hoobland to find out all they can about the Peeps (which is us) for Hubba-Hubba's "great Hoobopaedia". Roma (the orangey-brown one) looks like someone I used to go clubbing with (complete with coloured twizletuft) and Hubba-Hubba's singing is hilarious. I can do a good impersonation of their voices now...

4. Followed by pop videos, during which I usually fall asleep ...

5. And wake up for Everybody Loves Raymond. It used to be "everybody except me" but the series has grown on me. I used to think Raymond was the ginormous police constable brother with the sinister voice. Now I can follow an entire episode without switching channels and I even like Ray's mother ...

6. Followed by two episodes back to back of Just Shoot Me, a brilliantly scripted US comedy set in a Cosmopolitan-style glossy magazine. My favourite character here is Nina. (Slightly) reminiscent of Kim Cattral's part in Sex and the City ...

7. And by this time the world is on go.

So here I am. Good morning everyone!!


***

PS Click here & you can see a not-very-flattering pic of my favourite presenter on ITV's scandalous (how can they be allowed to use the airwaves for this waste of time moneygrabbing scheme) nighttime quizlines, Alex Kramer ...

Click here for Maqira's blog

21 comments:

Queenie said...

Yep! 'Everyone loves Raymond', can't stand 'Shoot me' (wish they would). Now they show that they cut ELRaymond to one episode.

Empress Bee (of the High Sea) said...

i love everybody loves raymond, but the character raymond i can't stand! make any sense? i think peter boyle, the father, makes the show!!!

smiles, bee

The Freelance Cynic said...

My boyfriend is a big fan of Everyone loves raymond too, and I find myself strangely intriqued by it too. My Blog address is www.freelancecynic.com by the way

Nicole said...

Jesus Gled I think the drugs have REALLY got to your brain now that you've confessed to liking Everybody Loves Raymond. I don't know if we can be friends anymore! You did redeem yourself a bit by liking Just Shoot Me.

~*SilverNeurotic*~ said...

I used to hate Everybody Loves Raymond as well, but my grandmother loved it and when I'd go over to visit her in the evening she would have that show on and we'd sit and watch it. I don't normally watch it now, but if I happen to catch it I'll sit and watch it and try to imagine my grandmother watching it with me.

Just Shoot Me is one show I just can't get into. It's not a terrible show but I would never seek it out on my own.

Toccata said...

Everybody Loves Raymond must be one of those shows that you have to watch some before it grows on you. It would seem I have not watched enough!

Have you tried decorating shows? They always put me to sleep.

Richard Taylor said...

Hi there. This is Richard Taylor (from New Zealand) from "Eyelight" which you commented on - I posted a comment to your comment. I want to hear comments even if they are not favourable (the comments become a part of the ongoing project -I don't judge them per se) - at the moment I have got to or gone past the Iraq War - I started with a poem about some Jewish rabbis (they were looking at some very ancient religious scrolls) I saw a picture of in our local paper some years ago ... I start each series with a poem and then I procede throgh various "rooms". But if you or anyone else wants to look at it - please read all the Blogs as it is not all darkness and gloom. I'll have to come back here with my URL.

BTW Ihave no religious bias and politicaly ido have an agenda but I am not in any political party - Eyleight is a 'multi dimensional' project.

On the TV Shows - I watched a few of the Everybody Loves Rayomond shows and I found them pretty good. Somehow didn't get time to watch anymore. The trouble with TV is there are so many adverts.

If you want good humour I found "Little Britain" to be very good and also "Borat" or "Ali G" - lol

Richard Taylor said...

That should be "Eyelight"


Here is the link to my Blog


http://richardinfinitex.blogspot.com/

whitenoise said...

Gled, haven't been here in a while... any NA in your recent past? ;-)

Gledwood said...

Whitenoise: NA I have not been to for about a year. I went through a binge in the autumn of 2006 and even got myself a sponsor. Cut down massively the amount of white I was smoking (2/3 of the way through the binge) ... but somehow, no matter how much this guy hassled me to do this, not do that, the feeling was gone and would surely have come back but I didn't realize that like nezrly everyone in NA (or everyone who's an addict) he was a bit screwy. He phoned me once while someone was trying to chop my door down and wanted to carry on talking even as the lock was flying off. That was what finally convinced me he was not necessarily on the same wavelengh as me ... or indeed Earth Ground Zero ... know what I mean??

Gledwood said...

And everybody else ... Queen Elizabeth I ... I do not recall ever meeting you online ... surely I must have done, else what are you doing speaking upon my blog? Mystery, mystery ...

EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND: except you lot it seems. Well I DID admit I used to hate it. I only grew to tolerate it through sheer screenboringlystaring necessity. As I said, I EVEN grew to tolerate Raymond's mother and if you can tolerate her you can watch paint drying without assistance.

Does my addiction to strong narcotics make any difference here ..??..??

Deb said...

gled...I don't sleep very much at all. And, unfortunately for me, once I'm awake I usually can't get back to sleep. Like last night...I think it was 2 am when I finally started drifting off and I was awake by 7. Five hours is my average.

I watch very little TV these days, unless it's fact based. The 20/20 program on global warming was very interesting last night...I'm going to try and find some to post.

So sad, one bit was on a bird that mimics sounds. It once made beautiful bird/animal sounds - it now makes the noise of car alarms and even the chain saws that are cutting down it's home. It was depressing but eye opening.

Have a decent day my friend. (I stopped saying a "great" day...do we really have many of those?)

Deb said...

Oh and sad that Peter Boyle died.

junky said...

somewhere in heaven or wherever, somebody is asking Peter Boyle to sing "putting On the Ritz"- ala "Young Frankenstein".

Gledwood said...

Deb: Peter Boyle, "Raymond"'s Dad ..? Died at the end of last year ...

zennist said...

I used to avoid "Raymond" like the plague. After I was required to spend long hours in front of the television (because I couldn't do anything else), it actually grew on me, too. It was basically that or the Iraq war news coverage, which just makes me want to get in a car, go to Washington and start shooting W. and all of his administration. (If the FBI is reading this, it's just another exagerration, okay? Please don't come and arrest me.)

You're right. Nina is absolutely the best thing about "Shoot Me."

Gledwood said...

I found you by chance, hopping blogs via that "next..." button. You're most welcome to drop by mine if you like; it's called gledwood2.blogspot and it's very "different" ... more a kind of online secret diary where I put my confessions. See you there maybe? All the very best to you and keep up the great blog.
Yours truly
Gledwood
("Gledwood Vol 2")

Gledwood said...

The friend whom greeting my Japan you speak! I the present fair thing which is laughed, us went to the place where it reaches together concerning the Japanese gentleman where I meet to the Morocco from south Spain by the boat, was. The local people disturb him of the market, with my nomination to which when he shouted with Portuguese Japanese those and are high. I do not speak Portuguese! That after it shot those in us! I do blog they are most welcomes which have the excavation where and that is called gledwood2.blogspot, falls, is possible to pass through the secret diary of my Internet. Have the investigation which is possible to be my intimate disclosure. It probably will meet there perhaps? - From Gledwood everything it is best to your

Gledwood said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood