HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, April 23, 2007

Burnt Boil-in-Bag ...


No wonder I keep a special pan for boil-in-the-bag-disasters: bottom's full of scale from previous experiences with plastic, diminishing water-levels and fierce heat. Plastic burnt-on accumulates. I ate the sad remnants of polymer-flavour sauce, hoping I wouldn't get liver cancer from carbonization. ... Don't think so ... Most of the sauce had long since joined the diminishing layer of ozone ... Just a respectible tranche of cod and parsley jellified ... I slapped a new one in and dashed the pan back on full number 6 heat ...

... & whatever happened then not I not only don't know ...

To find out the difference between Butterflies and Moths ...


Gledwood said...

come ON Peeps -- where ARE youze all 2nite??!? come ON ---- COMMENT please PLEASE...

Gledwood said...

nostoppingplace: comment on "smashed"

do you still feel sexy when you think about this? you would rather "be provoked than flattered" ...

Gledwood said...

... & if u r reading th'above & knowing, then ANSA ME DIRECT ...





IVY said...

Yes, I noticed you weren posting but I thought you were probably still coming online. The back of my mind wondered if you were off getting smack and crack somewhere. I wish we could get high together. Youve probably noticed from my blog that for the FIRST time in my life I've been going out to drink a lot. The thing I hate about it is the fuzzy patches in my mind that it gives me. If only I didnt think alcohol was a last resort. The fuzzy feeling it gives me, the buzz, isn't as profound as heroin, and I long in the depth of my being for oxy days. I cant remember what the high felt like anymore. They were that good. Then I get sad remembering my dating methadone boy and how he was like a sedation pill. But then he wouldnt say he loved me anymore so I stopped talking to him. Because when he used to say he loved me it wasnt about him loving me par se. it was about hearing it. So when he stopped being able to say it, for whatever reason.. I left him in the ditch. Told him to get the fuck out of my life. He was upset. And sad. But he did. I dont understand love and never have. I, unlike the rest, didnt claim to.

Gledwood said...

Are you glad he felt something when you couldn't?

You sound like you were depersonalized. Unreal. Sometimes people hurt themselves in that state.

Sometimes, it seems, you maybe wish to hurt others. To see whether their pain can be real.

Am I being real to you now ..?

Gledwood said...


A serious point. Please answer it if you can ... I wasn't just fucking about playing dreamygames, I was making a valid point I wanted to ask you about. Don't you think I hit on something...? Maybe..? Tell me ...?

RUTH said...

You really need a microwave Gleds....though keep Hammy away from it! Until you'd commented on my post I'd never thought about the butterfly/moth question! Thanks for finding out.

Gledwood said...

Yes, RUTH, I know!!

IVY said...

I wish to hurt others?? I need to think about that one.

Anonymous said...

Hy, I am very happy that you find my blog. I don't have it for a long time and you are actualy the first person to post a coment, I hope to hear from you soon.

P.S. And yes I am very pissed of about the EU. Excuse the language.

Wayward Son said...

I finally made the post. I thought I wrote you a comment—one of those long ones about it but I can't find it anywhere.

In Jamaica (West Indies, not Queens, New York) and New Orleans they call if blackened Boil-in-bag and if people don't like the taste they just laugh and call you a light weight. Go figure. Personally I like spicey dishes. Here in the states we have a chemical concoction for any flavor you might have a fancy for. (Fast Food Nation)

I checked out the addictionsupportgroup.com. Did you notice they spelled heroin as heroine? I wrote the admin guy to let him know they might want to check that out. I don't think there are any illnesses, at least physiological (my new favorite word)ones, in ragards to female heros! ones. I has the potential to be something. What I'm not sure. My thoughts are heavily influenced at the moment by Rational Recovery which says in a less than sanguine way that getting a bunch of self admitted addicts is building the bridge in the widest part of the river as far as recovery is concerned.

I'm on a bad metaphor kick ever since I saw Sean Penn on the Stephen Colbert Show.


(I sent you this earlier, I thought. But I don't see it. Who got it I wonder?)

Wish I had something clever to say about your mom situation but moms are way out of my league. They just are so don't ask.


Nicole said...

Gled - you shouldn't eat plastic! And that's probably the least of your worries. I'm afraid that one day you'll set the house on fire. Ruth is right. Look on the internet if someone might be giving away a microwave they no longer need.

Edyta said...

Now dont tell me that u had to chew that plastic along with the fish. LOL! Kidding!

OMG, i am having exams nowadays, that way, i'm in the "slow group" to comment. SHIT! I MISS ur notes.

Annelisa said...

Yuk, that sounds awful!

Gledwood said...

Was I roaring drunk last night?

I don't think I was. Yet every comment I left everywhere I seemed to be shouting.

So Ruth yupp, I do need a microwave. The last one ended up being used as a door barricader when we had "low security" again ... I'm definitely on the lookout for a new one ...

Gledwood said...

Thanks everyone else for your comments. I did not eat burnt plastic (ukkkk!!) but DID open the fish and ate that. The bottom tasted of burnt plastic but I was hungry (it had been cooking for over an hour) ... I ate it anyway ...

That's what poverty does, man!!

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Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood