HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Spreading the Word

HAVING JUST SPENT AGES SPREADING my little messages about the blogosphere, I glanced at the clock & it was 20 to 11. - Desperate Housewives was two thirds of the way through. I'm supposed to really like that show but have become expert at missing it. In fact Ugly Betty is the only one I catch relentlessly every time. Re Desperate Housewives (btw, isn't the American word supposed to be "home maker"- Desperate HomeMakers???/? Hasn't Lynette turned into a "yummy mummy" this season? Lots of lovely plastic surgery I suppose but boy does she look good. She is my favourite "Desperate". More so than Gabrielle. Everyone seems to like the uptight Bree (who on earth would name their daughter after a French soft cheese?) and as for Terry Hatcher the more I look at her the more she seems to be turning into Michael Jackson ...

I'm nearly at the end of my reading book, Prince of the City. When the you-know-what hits the fan, guess who's prosecutor? An unknown federal version of the district attourney (well, I think that's what he was; I don't understand American constitution or law) ... a 29 year old guy going by the name of Rudy Giuliani ..! Wonder what became of him in later life??!?

Now I've gotta find another book to read. Barbara Pym stalled less than a third of the way through, unfortunately. The Lives of Danielle Steel I've picked over too much to bother ploughing from cover to cover. My only hope lies with Jeffrey Archer's A Matter of Honour. Lots of people hate him and deride his books. He makes out he's written 17 drafts of each one (precisely 17 each time, come on! Show us the MSs, Lord A!) Well I've got it at home so I'm giving it a try.

I told my drugs counsellor a lot of things today. I hit upon a phrase I used to live a lot of my life by. It is also the title of a book. But if you make it your motto, believe me, it does (within certain bounds) work. The saying? Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway. I'm a bit dubious of the author of this book as I heard he works for this intervention camp in Jamaica where (rich (of course!)) American parents at the end of their teathers send their pot-smoking kids to be "re-educated"... Just like they do to pot-smoking criminals in mainland China! This article portrayed an horrendous regime where the kids are basically denied every right and privilege until they limply accept they're in a barbed-wired compound in a foreign country, letters and phone calls home are forbidden for up to the first year to forestall attempted "manipulation" ... naughty kids are put in an empty room and kept lying face down for hours and hours ... even into days and days ... until they repent ... sounds horrible. So it's a nice-sounding phrase but I'd doubt the integrity of a man who'd take money from such a hideous-sounding superbootcamp. I have felt the fear and done it anyway numerous times, and it's true, you benefit from pushing through the anxiety barrier. However I was off sick with CFS chronic fatigue syndrome. One particular weekend I remember pushing myself too hard, far too hard. And I had a complete physical mental emotional and spiritual breakdown. Feeling fear and doing it anyway only works when anxiety is holding you back. Anything more substantial (like a genuine physical debility, or even severe depression ...) well I can vouch it did not work for me; not then ...

PS Am I the only person to get severely annoyed at "blogs" that are merely bog-standard websites by another name? What is the point of a blog that will not take comments? I'm sorry but a blog is inherently interactive. If it's not interactive it's just another website.

PPS Slaghammer: I just tried to leave a comment at yours and it said blah blah blah popup true ... and would not let me through. I just wanted to say those urns look expensive. And I hope you survived being punctured. Did you mean an epidural (where they freeze your back), I'm sure they use a different expression in America you ARE American, no? And btw WHERE did that NAME come from??

UK epidural=US "spinal block" (I'm pretty sure).

18 comments:

Gledwood said...

Well no-one else had anything to say here so I thought I'd start with my perceptive observation that... ooer I've forgotten it.

Jason said...

Hi from Canada.

Sinead O'Connor rocks.

(Sorry it's not relevant to the post but I am a newbie here)

Deb said...

I see I have some catching up here to do...I don't understand how I've missed so many posts. That's o.k., I can mull over them slowly and see what's happening in your world. I don't watch much TV (at all) and admit I've never seen Desperate Housewives...but it's all the rage here. Homemakers/housewives are used about equally in Canada.

Going to catch up now gled. Back later.

Richie said...

Hi!

You sent me comments regarding my blog. Thank you. To respond to your question: I was born, raised and reside in New York City (The Bronx, to be specific).

Well, considering that I'm posting comments for this particular post, I'll add that "homemaker" in the U.S. usually applies to someone who actually does something to maintain the upkeep of the household. I don't really watch "Desperate Housewives," but I understand that the only time those women touch grass is when they take the shirt off the gardener. Roseanne from the TV show "Roseanne" was more of a homemaker.

"Desperate Housewives" airs in the U.S. on Sundays (most likely for the so-called "football widows"). Any interesting reasons as to why it airs that day in the U.K.? ("Ugly Betty" incidentially, airs on Thursdays here in the U.S.) Thanks again for your comments and best of luck with your recovery. Thanks to your blog, it appears that people are rooting for your success.

RUTH said...

Hi Gleds have been having the occasional lurk although I've not commented. Thanks for your comments on my "No Heart Service" post; the cyberhugs reached me just fine. The burger fared slightly worse LOL. Missed Ugly Betty & Des H/wives last night...I admit I watch both usually.
{{{cyberhugs}}}
Rx

slaghammer said...

Regarding your problem leaving a comment at my blog, I have no freaking idea what the deal is. I’ve noticed a lot of people raising hell about their comments disappearing all over the place so maybe the whole shebang is headed for a meltdown. Let me know if you have any more trouble.
Thanks for the kind words about my little urns. They are a labor of love, and hate and sometimes disparaging rage. The potter’s wheel is a lying, thieving, jealous whore that promises satisfaction but mostly just takes my money leaves me with a sore ass. Sometimes I get the happy ending which is why I keep going back for more.
And yes, it was an epidural. The jury is still out but there is some improvement. Not enough improvement for me to risk doing the potter’s wheel, but maybe someday soon.
Am I an American you ask? Let me put it this way, my vote has the potential to stop future pseudo-redneck militant-anti-intellectual fucktards from stealing elections in a country located south of Canada and north of Mexico. I don’t want to be too specific about it. And last but not least, the name. Among other things, I am a welder. A slaghammer, not be confused with a “sledgehammer,” is a small hammer with a point on one end and a flat chisel on the other used for chipping slag, etc., from welded metal. They are not too common these days because most people weld with MIG welders which use inert gas instead of solid flux. It is the flux on a welding rod that leaves a thick brittle scale (slag) on welds that must be chipped off as a finishing maneuver. I’ve moved on to MIG welding but I still break out the old stick welder on occasion, or I did before that dirty whore, the potter’s wheel, jacked my back up.

IVY said...

the woman playing lynette is a good actress- she was VERY VERY good in TRANSAMERICA. But for some reason i have always thought she was physically really unatractive.. just way to MALE looking. (And no I did not think this because of transamerica; I thought this way before I knew she was in that movie.) Yes, I do like Gabby.. her personality seems so smooth. She's like female friends I have had who have liked me even thought I was hot! but who I've felt.. nervous around because they seemed so perfect. I know the type I guess. Bree? People actually like her? I'm surprised. I guess when you play an outrageous role like that.. plus redhead. I guess underneath all the compulsions there is a lot of motherly CARING to her role so.. plus she was dating the sex-addict guy and being sensitive and loyal about it. And she became an alcoholic. Guess she's grown a lot since the first series.. Teri Hatcher I think of as attractive, just not the kind of attractive I find attractive, but I always imagine OTHER people think she is attrative.
This show is the only show that makes me wish I had a tv.. I've watched all this because of the dvds.. Sigh. I wish I could watch more though! Do they ever show repeats of the show on tv?

Papageno said...

"French soft cheese"? Cheese is cheese, is there French hard cheese too? In France, is it just cheese. Well... American people an food... ;-)
Try cheese from Savoie as Raclette, Roblochon or Tome... and what about a tartiflette?
David, from Paris

Baby G & Dizzle said...

Yeah, Dude, it's 37 Pounds or 54 Euros. Not too shabby, eh?

Listen, we checked out your blog and it's really unique. Good for you for keeping it up. We dig the whole 'diary' thing.

And since you're British, we can tell you a few things in our opinion:

1. Sorry about the war. You'll be happy to know neither one of us voted for him.

2. Thanks for Ozzy, Radiohead, the Stones, The Office, and Extras. And Monty Python. And Trainspotting. You get the picture.

3. We didn't mean to give you guys Anna Nicole Smith. She escaped from her cage and look what happened. Our bad, Bro.

Nice to hear from you!

~BG&D

Nicole said...

I have some blog reading catching up to do. Just saying hello :)

Gledwood said...

Re Desperate Housewives: It airs at 10pm Wednesdays on Channel 4 which anyone can get now matter how outdated and "analogue" their TV. The next episode airs immediately afterwards on E4 which is limited to the digital airwaves/cables/satellite transponder things. Ugly Betty comes on at 9pm Fridays on Channel 4. BTW Channel 4 paid £1 MILLION Sterling per episode for Desperate Housewives. I take it they struck an agreement to show it practically however often they like as repeats for however many years over all their channels which is what they did with Friends...

Ivy: Bree? People actually like her? I'm surprised. I guess when you play an outrageous role like that.. plus redhead. I guess underneath all the compulsions there is a lot of motherly CARING to her role so.. plus she was dating the sex-addict guy and being sensitive and loyal about it. And she became an alcoholic."... It is more Marcia Cross than Bree in some respects. But people love that kind of uptightness. It means there is a passionate beating heart underneat. Well that's my interpretation.

ggirl said...

You think Terri Hatcher looks like Michael Jackson? That's hilarious!

Ron Knee's Rants and Raves said...

Hey, Gleds. You say you are having trouble posting comments on some peoples blogs? I am glad I am not the only one. Used to have a heck of a time trying to post comment on jailhouselawyer's blog and it would keep on throwing back the word verification dialogue with a different word. In a sudden flash of inspiration I got him to disable comment moderation and BingO! No more trouble.

I have also removed moderation from my own, funny? I was expecting a load of bot-spam but touch wood so far I have none.
I think the blogger comment mod. widget is up the swanneee....

Liked the description of lucid dreams, I get these quite a lot being part of my CFS/ME syndrome. Weird sorta stuff, flying, running up rock faces, waking up and walking around just to suddenly find yourself back in bed! When I get up and walk about, the house is always in a different configuration and often the walls are a different colour but in the experience It seems to be the normal thing.

Conversely, when i get quite ill (which I do a lot as I have no resistance to illnesses) I get the most dingy dark oppressive nightmares.

Ron Knee's Rants and Raves said...

And as you well know, a nightmare is just a female horse in her pyjamas......

Gledwood said...

It is something to do with the popup blocker. The message at the bottom left says blah-blah-blah...pop-up true those are the last 2 words of the message "pop-up true" and it always means it's not going to let me in the comments box.

When I set my blog up I was given the choice of comments in or not in a pop up window. I chose not. The advantages are:
1: Avoiding pop-up blockers
2: See 3rd line from the top to the left "show original post". That's a really handy facility if you've something to say but need exact details. Pop-up style comments boxes don't have this.

Ron Knee's Rants and Raves said...

Good point. I never thought of the comment box as a pop up before, but it is!

Might be a good idea for me to change as well.

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood