HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Saturday, April 07, 2007

Irish Ebay

HAS EVERYONE SEEN THIS ad doing the rounds on Irish ebay?

FOR SALE: MEDIAEVAL TORTURE INSTRUMENTS ...

... while stocks last ...

!!

Waah-waaah!!!

...

I did have the entire back of an envelope scrawled with poetic postings but left it behind so don't know what I'm going to say.

Well I oughtta describe the state of my house. Laundretta's lying blotto on the entrance hall floor. Had to tell my dealer to wait outside & I'd come to his car. (Didn't add details about the drunken hooker lying there: he thinks my house is ridiculous enough. It was his runner who arrived at 7.30 am one time in the middle of my infamous month-long crack binge to find me barefooted wandering the street thinking I was stuck in a Magic Roundabout episode and people with baseball bats were out to rob me. This guy (the runner, not the dealer) took one look at the chocolate milkshake I was drinking one other morning, sniffing disparagingly: "that's got alcohol in, hasn't it??!?". Yes, I replied to his undisguised disgust. Just as I handed over £40 and he handed back three bags of Afghan brown heroin and Peruvian crack cocaine ... (The ridiculous hypocrisy of this situation did not hit me until much later ...)

My Chinese Mouse went for a massive dartabout this early morning. I was lying awake practically all night. Countdown came on. I got nothing better than a five letter word. I am terrible at spelling games but insist on playing them. I'd love to be a contestant one episode. They still have oldskool prizes: a coffee mug, Oxford dictionary and special Countdown biro pen (the kind you can get 500 pieces for £240+VAT if you trawl the character-merchandise type mousemat printing companies in business yellow pages ... The other game I'd go for is (Who Wants To Be A ...) Millionaire though I doubt I'd ever be "fastest finger first" to ever get through to round one. I do at least grasp the MO of the game. Chris Tarrant (or Dynasty's Blake Carrington if you're watching the American version (was that really him? And hasn't the US version been long ago axed? American telly progs never seem to last as many "seasons" as ours do ...) ... anyway what was I dribbling on about...? Oh yeah, the main job of the host after obviously asking the questions is to panic the contestants into using up lifelines when really they know the answer too early in the game so then once they're past the £35,000 mark (the one you "can't loose" because the losing prize money once you get here gets no lower ... if you know what I mean ...) I've seen this happen so often. Also idiot contestants who Ask the Audience something the audience aren't likely to know (eg who was Henry VIII's fourth wife) then go for 50:50 on something with two likely answers and we all know which two will remain on screen oh don't get me going any more. I'm not genuis enough to feel guaranteed to win really anything on Millionaire, I would hope to make it past £16,000 but even that wouldn't be guaranteed. The history questions are the ones that get me ("Where was the Battle of Bannuckburn??"/etc) Another game topping the ratings here (coming to the mighty US of A very soon according to the Sun newspaper) is Deal or No Deal. Let me explain concisely. It's a betting game. 22 would-be contestants hold 22 sealed boxes. These contain amounts of money varying from 1p, 10p, £1, £100, £1000 etc ... to £3000, £5000, £20,000, £35,000, £50,000, £75,000, £100,000 to £250,000. Nobody except the "independent ajudicator" knows what amount is there, least of all The Banker (an important fact to bear in mind: read on). The contestant, who is chosen at random from this 22 basically spends a TV 45 minutes (ie about a half-hour of actual airtime) opening boxes. Bear in mind he has absolutely no idea and not a clue what's in what box so he might say "Linda, box number ten please" and Linda the glamorous granny holding box ten says "good luck Peter" and with a mighty velcro rip and a flourish opens said box, hopefully to reveal 1p, the lower the number the better. (The number revealed isn't won; it's eliminated from the game. You only money from a box you can win is whatever's left in the box you're holding. Or you win money by accepting the Banker's "Deal".) Say the second box contains £100,000 and the third £20,000 the telephone in the middle of set now rings, all goes hushed as presenter Noel Edmunds (who I've always found a faintly obnoxious man) answers. We never hear the Banker's voice. Ever. Or see him. It's a gimmick of the show. Now the Banker makes an offer of say £14,000. The contestant must say "Deal" or "No Deal" to each offer the Banker makes, which will vary according to how many and what big numbers are left and second but just as importantly, how likely he believes you are to settle for how little. His job is to psyche you out. And the boxes continue being opened, big amounts of money now and then dropping out of play to huge oooooze and aaaarrgh!s of the crowd. When eventually you do accept the Banker's deal you have to play on "honestly" opening whatever boxes you've got left until finally your own box reveals what you'd have won if you played right on to the end (only people in their 50s who've paid off their mortgages and don't really "need" the money as much tend to do this. I've seen £250,000 come up in the last box twice in the past week, so it does happen. Odd as it may sound for "a game show with just one question" and considering how you're watching someone playing on pure chance (no hints or clues or anything of that ilk ever come into it: as I said nobody involved in the game, not the box holders, the host or the Banker have any idea what amount is where) this is bizarrely rivetting. If you want to play a dummy version of this game (or open an account and play for cash, click this Ladbrokes Deal or No Deal link here ...)

Well that's enough babble for today. It's going to take me an age to link up this poasting so I'd better get going now ... see yous all later!!

Gledsxx

PS Just nearly got run over by a middle-aged man driving Laundretta into McDonald's carpark... she doesn't waste any time. A mere 2 hours ago she was bleary-eyed all over the carpet of our hall ... now she's providing a service McDonalds do not in the furthest corner of their carpark!!!

14 comments:

Anonymous said...

deal/no deal is all a fix come on everybody knows that!!

Krap said...

Your blog is cool ;) Keep posting :D

Tolai_Mangi said...

Hey Gledwood, thanks for the comment you left on my humble blog...and yes, your blog is a little different from mine hehehe. Mines definitely not as funny. As for your question about speaking any Papua New Guinean languages. I do speak my mothers language as well as Pidgin-English which is the second national language after English. Its kind of like a mish mash of English and the local languages.
PNG also has over 800 different languages!! Im also quite in touch with my mums culture as well as my dads.Im the only person I know who went to a private Anglican boys school in Sydney and underwent a traditional initiation ceremony in my mums village!! Two completely different worlds. Anyway, I've taken up too much space.
take care mate,

Tolai_Mangi

Mousie said...

just wanted to tell you Ruth's husband Mick passed away, very peacefully in her arms...I think she will need all her friends...
I didn't visit much lately, sometimes life is a bit complicated but you're still in my thoughts
love from Mousie

Dan said...

Medieval torture devices? I can get you brand new modern-day ones at amazing prices!

Happy Easter and/or Passover and/or whatever, Gledwood.

Gledwood said...

Thanks Dan I would more likely do the Passover than the Easter to be honest ...

Gledwood said...

Krap:
Here's your latest post in English (courtesy Babelfish)


Babel Fish Translation Help

In English:
I do not know reason, I erased all posts that I made so far. I go to start of new. It is always good. Ok, then is thus: I am the Sandra, I have 15 years and living creature in the Fuchal. Taste to write and therefore I decided to make one blog. This was one of the reasons, to another one was this site to be private, to be different until "comfortable" writing. I adore to draw, to be with mine two dogs (Dominó and Simba), to write (), to read, to walk and these things all that all people likes to make. This blog does not go to be nothing of artistic nor nothing, a test of this is that I am full of haste, has to go and exactly thus I am to write. I do not go to make nothing of extraordinary and even though that it wanted, I doubt that it would obtain. This blog exactly goes to be only one species of daily, even so must already say that many things special in my life do not happen thus that makes me to write here (by the way, at the times, it arrives to be same dries). On the other hand, since I do not hide who I am and I have entity (already I made one blog, but it did not say who being, sincerely, I do not know if it is better) I go to try to feel me to the will enough to count to everything or almost everything what it is transferred with me. The reason of the name "Jmo" is... is initiates them of this small phrase Just My Own, and goes to be for this "imaginary person" to who is gone to always direct that to write what it was transferred with me. Ready E, this was one short introduction of my new blog, when it will have time story the last new features because now, if it has thing that I do not have is time. Jmo, is well. I come back later


So you live in MADEIRA?? Famous for Madeira cakes (here anyway), wines ... beautiful scenery. No beaches to speak of ... an amazing place ... come to London if you get bored, then take my advice. Go back to Madeira!!!

Gledwood said...

Tolai Mangi:

"As for your question about speaking any Papua New Guinean languages. I do speak my mothers language as well as Pidgin-English which is the second national language after English. Its kind of like a mish mash of English and the local languages."

I'm glad you do speak your "own" language (that's the meaning of "mother tongue", know what I mean?) Isn't the Pigeon English called Tok Pijin/Tok Pisin/something like that. I heard a story, can't remember if it is from New Guineau: local word for a PIANO. "Big black box, many white teeth, you hit him; he cry out". Genius!!

Ron Knee's Rants and Raves said...

You are such a lovely bloke.

End of story, innit.

laurenbove said...

Someone has a current and running stock of mideval torture devices. This is inherantly funny.

I love ebay.

Don't forget the used socks, panties and Holy Grilled Cheezuses, always good for a laugh or three.

Gledwood said...

Eu não posso compreender o que você está dizendo aqui. Você speculating que os computadores causarão a extremidade do mundo? Eu penso os povos que usam as máquinas farão com que o planeta expluda finalmente. Bem, este é um blog que fascinante você tem aqui. Eu desejo somente que eu poderia o compreender um pouco melhor. Eu faço um blog demasiado: é chamado gledwood2.blogspot. Você é a maioria de boa vinda a vir tem um olhar. É diferente a seu blog, mais um tipo do diário secreto em linha. Vindo assim tenha um bom rir de minha escrita! Veja-o lá. Todo o mais melhor a você -- de Gledwood

Gledwood said...

That last comment is meant to go to

http://omeuqueridoipodnano.blogspot.com

IF ONLY I COULD GET IN THE FLAMING COMMENTS BOX

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood