HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Childhood ... details comin' up L8R

RE MY UNCOMFORTABLE CHILDHOOD (it's not THAT much of a story anyhow; I'm no Dave Pelzer II) ... I sat down with pen & notebook last night to tell all ... and all the sands of time suddenly piled up on me, like a huge chore. I will tell it all, when I'm in the mood ... it will not be a chore ...

... I shall ensure the mood hits me within the next 7 days, I promise -::!!

... sorrE !! ...

Quote of the Day: I hate the warm weather blues, like there's a party somewhere & I'm not there ... -- Sassy Brown on Raymi's "one hour sad-attack"


***

For American weather info (re the state of Georgia) and some whizzy science maps :: click here.

STOP PRESS: I just tried to tell my childhood story. But the posting came out like a load of rubbish
(very banal rubbish, I might add)-::- so I took the unusual step of deleting it ...

... later in the week I will do it. I promise you ...

PS Debs thought you might like this top blogs recommendation as "one of the few truly great Vancouver-specific blogs" : http://www.miss604.com/

18 comments:

Anonymous said...

I'm a strong proponent of antidepressants. They can get you up and moving when you're too depressed to do anything. Hang in there.

Neo said...

Ciao!
Non capisco bene l'inglese ma ti ringrazio per la visita e i complimenti!
Non ho ancora visto Istanbul tra i "best blogs"... Provvedi!

Tu sei già nella lista dei blog che visito, spero ci capiremo in qualche modo (google traslation...)

Dimenticavo..
Wellcome to Istanbul!

A presto

Gledwood said...

Ggirl: thanks for that. I really do want to get them. I rang the "surgery" today they were closed until the evening ... Just want the appointment over and done with and the pills in my hand so I can just start taking them and get all this preliminary rubbish over and done with. I'm fed up with doctors and everything about them.
...
well I won't go ON!!

Gledwood said...

Istanbul: Saluti! Appena per voi metterò Costantinopoli nella mia sezione di Blogs migliore! Avete l'illustrazione e grafici meravigliosi in modo da siete uno dei blogs migliori comunque! Tutto il la cosa migliore a voi. Da... Gledwood

Trish D said...

Thanks for the comment on my blog, and the reminder of how blessed I truly am. I've made some bad choices in the past, but I can say that the Lord has worked them all out to His glory. And yes, I do know that addiction is a hard row to hoe; not that I've experienced it personally, but I do have two friends in NA. Prayers.

Anonymous said...

Yeah but at least you keep in mind that addiction is NOT a walk in the park. I've met people who seem to believe it's just as simple as sitting out a common cold for three days and then life will be perfectly normal ..!

Don't know really what to say to them ...

Neo said...

Grazie, sono onorata delle tue parole.
Io cerco di capire meglio il tuo blog, molto interessante!
A presto! ...magari a Londra...

Thanks still, are honored of your words. I try to understand yours better blog, a lot interesting! Soon.. even to London..

Deb said...

Did you ever notice my favorite books in my profile? Although calling them "favorites" is a bit off - more "books I couldn't put down". His story is amazing and I cried throughout all of his books. Such strength...I admire him so much.

I can hardly wait to hear your story Gled. I just find the personal stuff so intriguing.

Gledwood said...

Grazie Istanbul. Your English is far better than my Italian!!

Neo said...

Google traslater.. eheheh...

Gledwood said...

I don't know that I DID notice you mention Dave Pelzer, Debs. It is a RIVETTING read though isn't it? Seems you were commenting as I was replying to Istanbul which is why it seems I ignored you I just didn't see your comment coming in...
I WILL tell my story but I don't want to build it into a great huge thing because it's NOT. It's no more remarkable than a million other stories out there ...
... but still, it's mine, so I will tell it!

rowan said...

You know, most peoples blogs I know them after reading it for a while. Not you. I still feel like I hardly know you.. your thoughts. Your life. Part of it is you live in london it's a little different there. But...

abcd said...

Hi there, thank you for visiting my blog.
Am really look forward to your childhood story.

Dan said...

Can't wait to hear about your childhood!

Warm weather can suck. I wish the transition was more gradual.

Anonymous said...

Teh bird is doing great. Your blog is cool too. When I read it, I say the words in my head with a cool British accent. I almost moved to Australia once. They have a cool accent there too.

Gledwood said...

問候桃紅色薑! 謝謝說你好在我的站點。它是最宜人收到你的來信。我很快反應您的問候。

Gledwood said...

Dan, (& everyone else who asked) I will write up my childhood any day now. I was scrawling notes last night to get the whole thing in order. Just don't expect anything too dramatic or heartwrenching. It's just an average suburban childhood with a bit of misery thrown in ...

Gledwood said...

Paterfamilias: I'm glad the bird is doing ok!

(They found a pet parrot hopping up and down and squarking on their doorstep!!)

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood