HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, April 13, 2007

Grand Expectations

OK I'VE PUT MY TWO BETS on tomorrow's Grand National. (14/1 and 16/1 at £1 each respectively.) I could do with the free money!!

In a minute I am going back to bed as I'm feeling done in already. Everything I have to do has been done (as opposed to everything I ought to do, which is a hell of a lot more ...) I've gone to the chemist, collected my methadone. I have a "hit" awaiting me at home that I shall desist from taking; it will only knock me out ... and I can feel already: I'm about to fall unconscious anyway ...

So many things I really ought to do ... including making that damn doctor's appointment to get those mirtazapine anitdepressants. But I'm not feeling well enough to go to the doctors (wah-waah!). I know I could phone them but it costs a fortune these days and I don't want to get into a telephone argument over the (suspected) fact that I might have been struck off for living in an area full of transients, using a surgery frequented by transients (it's so hard to get on a doctor's list these days. I had to apply to a place called Holbrook House that allocated one automatically to preclude the doctor complaining ...) and I'm sure I got a letter several months ago advising me that if I wanted to stay on their list I ought to return the enclosed form (no prepaid envelope of course so it never got done) ...

Did I have something else to say? Well it will have to wait. As I'm off now! See y'all L8R...

G
leds
..
.

PS Two particularly good blogs I've found:
1. Addiction Treatment Advice http://addiction-treatment-advice.blogspot.com (speaks for itself).
2. The Musical Indian Kitchen http://musicalskitchen.blogspot.com (Fantastic recipes from Gujarat).

18 comments:

Sir Jorge said...

Doctor's scare me, too many horror films.

They would have to get me dying or bloodied up before I get into another office....except for my yearly physical.

Edyta said...

I have a manical fear of doctors or this specific smell of a hospital. Scares the shit outta me. *hides under the cover*

Loved the Indian recipies site... hmmm i've never tried indian meals. Have u?

On another note. Thank you soooo much for ur comments on my blog. They both were awesome.
I know that I am not a frequent blogger these days, cuz i am in my final schooling year & i have exams. So i'm a busy beaver :D

I wish i could comment on ur posts regularly, i think i will when i get out of this hectic schedule.

Plz, i didnt mean to offend you by a short reply to ur comment :)
& i think everyone can draw, in their own way. I'm gonna let u in on a little secret: Girls r THE ONLY THING i actually CAN draw :D so u see, i'm not an artist myself :D my dad hates my drawings, he thinks i suck :D well i cant disagree with him. i have to do soooo much elaborate work to make my drawing better, huh? :)

Again, thank you for your kindness. There a great quality in you: u can talk abt EVERYTHING. thats awesome!

Edyta said...

OMG!
That comment accidentally became massive :D
sorry, i didnt mean to bore you :D LOL

tkkerouac said...

Nice to see you again Gledwood, listing those blogs will be helpful for others, God Speed.

Nicole said...

Thanks for that recipes link Gled! I love Indian food and don't cook it often enough.

pocacosa said...

Doctors make me nervous, but they are 'the lesser evil'... Get well.

Anonymous said...

I just read your profile and will read more of your blog later but I know someone who can help you get free of your drug use. Jesus. You commented on our blog today, if you have time read more of it and also our other blog which you can link to from China Hope. We share our faith openly and I will be praying for you.

Anonymous said...

GLAD TO SEE YOUR GUNNA CLEAN UP !! YOU HAVE GREAT TALENTS AND ITS TIME TO MOVE INTO OTHER AREAS OF LIFE , REALLY GLAD FOR YOU GLED , JAMIE

IVY said...

why does the phone cost money? confused.

IVY said...

why does the phone cost money? confused.

IVY said...

u do live in the states dont you?

IVY said...

i dont understand women who can date doctors.. Their lives are so.. based on physical observations. Neither can I imagine wanting to be a doctor... Oh I wouldnt MIND being one myself. you get to talk to a lot of different people, help people, and.. get paid well. it's not a bad job at all.. It's just what kind of person is ATTRACTED to it?

IVY said...

PS. Jamie, how are you? Havent seen you around in a while. Stop by Jamie.

Gledwood said...

Edyta no you didn't bore me (uh? why would you?) and there's me getting paranoid on yours thinking I was being "kurt" (as in cobain??) ...

Gledwood said...

Ivy: in the States? Never heard that one b4 ... no I'm in London UK!! The other London is Ontario/somewhere ...

A public phone box charges 40p minimum as of this year. Ie 80 cents! I have to watch my pennies till next week that's all ...

I was not feeling well earlier, spent all day asleep. (I tell the world in general.)

I'm glad everyone likes the Indian recipes. I love Indian food. It is the second national cuisine over here (seriously). Our National Football song of a few years ago featured the chant: "Vindaloo -- Vindaloo -- Vindaloo, Vindaloo, Vindaloo ..." and ("balti") chicken tikka masala has many times been named our National Dish ... (100% true!!) ...

IVY said...

oh.. That explains a lot. For some reason i just assumed you were american.. With typical american egocentrism.

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood