HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Saturday, April 14, 2007

Grand National Result

After one false start and several nearly false starts (they run "wild", there's no stalls. So imagine the logistics of lining up 40 temperamental racehorses without a single one overstepping the mark) they finally went OFF!

... and ...

SILVER BIRCH WON!

(I lost.)

My one, Hedgehunter, came in 9th. Which is still pretty good considering only about 10 out of the 40 actually came in to the end. (That's right! Approx. 30 out of 40 horses chucked their riders.)

My other horse, who shall remain nameless was romping in SECOND, until the swine threw the jockey somewhere around the twelfth fence.

PS & Continuing the theme of useful/interesting blogs I found one called cure-cancer.blogspot which might be of interest to some people ...

And another one:

spotofcheese.blogspot

16 comments:

sweet william said...

HI, Gledwood. I am glad you discovered my blog - I have never had a comment before.

Yes - Ukraine had trouble with Russia's Gazprom.

But not to cause any confusion, I am not writing from Ukraine, I write from Michigan, USA. My wife and I have visited Ukraine twice to see our sponsored girls, Lena & Natasha.

It appears you enjoy horsie races. Where do you write from ? I am guessing G. Britain from the pound symbols - but where more specifically ?

thanks again for commenting,

sweet william

RUTH said...

Hi Gleds; I put an each way bet on Philson ..Mick always loved having a flutter so did it in his memory (Phil being our grandsons name)....I said if it wins I'll donate the money to the Cancer campaign.......YIPPEEE it came in 4th at 100 to 1
Rx

Gledwood said...

William:

There seems to be such a fragile political situation out in Ukraine, not to mention the rest of the former USSR. Being on the cusp of two very different regions I can imagine the pull in opposing directions gets quite painful. As for Russia, I remember when the Iron Curtain came down many commentators in the West (like Time magazine) seemed to assume Russia was going to become part of Europe (not necessarily the EU but Europe anyhow). I'm no expert on Russian history but I've read Tolstoy, Dostoyevski, etc. If Russia wasn't "European" then I don't see why it would suddenly want to be now ...

Thanks for the comment you left at mine. I didn't realize I was the first to comment here. What an honour!

Gledwood said...

Ruth:

What a result!

rowan said...

Well, dodo bird.. this is the first you have mentioned about it. (not being from the s-t-a-tes/)

rowan said...

PS. how come you have best blogs ONE and best blogs TWO? are the TWO's NOT AS GOOD as the ONE'S????

rowan said...

just curious dodobird.

rowan said...

racing horses now dodobird? u wanna become a rider or someting

rowan said...

CHEESE BLOGS? somebody is hard-up! jk

Edyta said...

Heya, Gleds!
LOL at u beng 'kurt' (cobain) :D that cracked me up.

oooh & i think u r sooo lucky having eaten tones of indian food throughout ur life! i've never tried it! i need to work on that, huh? :) it SURE SOUNDS TASTY!!

oh & yes, my name is Edyta. As Edith in english :) But Edyta is in polish cuz i am polish. Aint that a mystery? :D LOL!
Thanx for stopping by & i'm gonna check that blog abt cancer. It's such an awful disease :(
Good Luck!

Gledwood said...

IVY: no way can I be a horse rider at least not a professional jockey. Surely you have seen them on tv. All are about 4 ft tall. I am much taller than 4 ft. So please desist from such .... uhh... my vocabulary fails me.

rowan said...

Well how would I know that GLED? You dont have a picture.

rowan said...

Oh, of course, you expected me to gleam from your writing how sexy you are and.. I get it.

Gledwood said...

to "gleam" from my writing...?

That means to shine, sparkle or glow, dear...

Gledwood said...

O Edyta, I see what you mean ..! I honestly thought your name was a pun. ... "Editor"...!!

Gledwood said...

-& whaddya mean, Eds, you can "only draw women" ... just make their faces clumpier, their noses bigger, make them look generally uglier ... then: ta-dAA! You have pictures of men!!

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood