HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Saturday, April 14, 2007

Grand National Day

REMEMBER I SAID I SLEPT NINE HOURS during daylight yesterday? Well I went to bed and slept nine hours more. If only they set up marathons for sleep --(imagine it! Lying there with a head full of brainwave probes to preclude cheating-!!)-- I would surely win. Of course, in real life, forced into doing something that comes so naturally yet before an audience, my body would simply refuse to perform. (When I was in Amsterdam that's how I ended up in that employment tribunal having got fired from the live sex show ... (long story))

(And if you believe that ... (!))

I apologize. My brains are scrambled. When I logged on I had been waiting for two hours. Hanging on a piece of string that my evil heroin dealer toyed with me like a cat with a half-dead rodent. You'd think I was asking for tick, the offhand manner he answered my repeated demands of "where are you?" When you do need credit, this one, if he says yes at all, will make you wait for up to eight or nine hours. And it's not just me who gets this, btw; I know a few of his other customers. No matter who you are, how much money you're spending, or what you do, the treatment is always the same. Why do they treat us addicts so badly? Because they know they can. This particular one sells for £15 what most would charge £20 for. So he knows someone like me, who has only £15, is going to wait, unable (in the immediate term) to go anywhere else... not for £15. So he wins again. I sat there bellyacheing and trying to reread bits of Prince of the City.

How different things are in 2007 London compared to 1971 New York City!! The New York Narcotics cops ran through a system of informants who scored heroin, basically "grassed" on their dealers and were duly paid in heroin by the cops. Knowing full-well the dealers knew who they were, they found themselves in a predicament of having burned out their street connexions; they became unable to score off any street dealers... while their habits raged on. And so they relied exclusively on cops to supply their daily fixes of "junk". In reciprocation they continued to do the police favours as the opportunities to do so arose. Here, what they are more likely to do is go undercover, camera'd up, wired for sound they make the buys themselves. Then no-one can dispute who did or said what once the case comes to court. Heroin was given to a suspect during a police interview some years ago. I don't remember what happened, whether or not he overdosed, but the case hit the media and was all over the newspapers and TV news for days. In early 1970s New York the whole system seemed inherently corrupt. As long as the criminals either left the country or got locked up it didn't matter how many laws were broken along the way. Aside from the bailmoney they lost through jumping the country, these criminals were "fined" many thousands of dollars in money the police simply took -- stole from them. Because they were police, and because the entire system was ricketty and corrupt, there was no-one to complain to ...

& btw:--

IN APPROXIMATELY TWO HOURS AND TWENTY MINUTES from my keying these letters the 2007 Grand National will run, so good luck everybody!!

PS (American) Junky asked me what the Grand National actually is...

The Grand National is the biggest horse race we have. The great thing about British & Irish racing is that, due to our clement climate, for the winter 6 months of the year the horses can jump hedges (the ground is soft enough if you fall off).

The Grand National has about 40 horses running over 4 and a half miles. Loads of horses fall. Great horses can get nowhere. It's really hard to predict the winner...

Which is why everyone watches and about half the nation bets on it!!

So good luck to the Queen and everyone else having a "flutter" ...

What am I saying? As long as you've backed one of the 2 horses I did!!!

6 comments:

junky said...

The grand what? enlighten the colonies please.

Gledwood said...

The Grand National is the biggest horse race we have. The great thing about British & Irish racing is that, due to our clement climate, for the winter 6 months of the year the horses can jump hedges (the ground is soft enough if you fall off).

The Grand National has about 40 horses running over 4 and a half miles. Loads of horses fall. Great horses can get nowhere. It's really hard to predict the winner...

Which is why everyone watches and about half the nation bets on it!!

xianfu said...

relax dude... haha... Im not chinese malay.. hw did u come up with that? Im chinese.. just chinese.. haha!

saying shit? nah.. nothing big.. just.. not to offend anyone.. so I just write in sh*t.. .. My blog is for kids too.. haha :) doubt any kids will read that.. lalalalaalalalla

mandarin dear... lol.. cantonese n hokkien? ... I can speak..but dun speak at home..mainly English :) haha



ohh.. u take heRoin? u shLD STOP.. it makes ur mInd Goes nuTs! esp if ur in d middle of d jungle n d addiction starts.. haah :)

it's awful.. haha

Gledwood said...

I'm sure I read you saying something about LIVING in Malaysia? Or Kualalumpur? Or am I totally getting my wires crossed >>??

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood