HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

The Thrill Is Gone

YESTERDAY, MARILYN wanted to smoke crack. She was Valium'd or otherwise benzo'd, and so insulated against the more jagged effects of cocaine. So we went to my place and she rang my dealer. The crack was nicer than the usual rubbish that's been around lately. Also, the deals were over twice as big for the same money as Wicked's. Only reason I've called Wicked for it is 1. he always has it, 2. he is quick 3., it's not my drug so when I want a bit I do only want a bit. Money spent on crack is money down the drain however much you get for your money. Same could be said for heroin (commonsensically) but heroin makes me feel better all day. Crack makes me feel good for ten minutes. Then I either feel bad or the same as before. When I've binged on crack it has sucked all the joy I had left in life out, and left me feeling bled dry. I do like a pipe now and then. I love mixing a bit in my "gear" to hit up a "snowball". But beyond that, crack just does not do it for me.

To cut a long story short, even before the dealer came with the second delivery, I was feeling sick and dehydrated. Too paranoid to leave the house (but I had to, to buy another lighter). I was drenched in sweat, as if someone had thrown a bucket of water over me.

As we smoked on I began to feel so sick that I palmed the drugs I was meant to be smoking and put them on the side. Marilyn smoked on. Couldn't understand how I could be less high at the end of the evening than the start. But that's just me. Cocaine (except for generous doses in small amounts) doesn't really agree with me.

Generous doses in small amounts? Let me explain. Ridiculously small lines snorted... how many times have I sat there, having had the same as everyone else, hearing them comment or compliment the quality of the drugs: and yet I don't feel it. Coke with me is like pulling a switch marked ON. It takes a decent dose to do this, but once ON I stay ON. I don't need to keep taking more. And that's where small amounts comes in: every time you take cocaine (by whatever method) it's like flushing the toilet. Dopamine is flushed into then out of your brain. Because you only have so much dopamine, repeating the dose over and over, after a point just will not get you any higher.

I woke up this morning, went back to bed. Woke up again in the afternoon feeling 70 years old. Spent an hour coughing what felt like dirty great cobwebs out of my lungs.

A documentary came on about children's literature. And I thought back to being spellbound by storybooks. And then I pondered and asked myself what there was in life left over, apart from drugs, that I can take very much interest in at all. Answer: not much.

The thrill is gone.

***

Dutch junkie retirement home: click here for details.

19 comments:

Friend said...

Gledwood. Have you heard of Laurel's death? It seems you knew her. Please contact me via email. I'd like to connect with you regarding her. Much appreciated - have strength day to day to meet that challenges that awaits us all.

IVY said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
IVY said...

nicely done entry.. want to hear more about the viseral of doing crack and the details about the people involved, though. You once said you want this to be less of a private list of your dealings (or however you said it).. I want more descriptions of people u meet.

Friend- Laurel Vangemert? There is no chance.. (Sorry a very close friend of mine named Laurel died a last week .)

IVY said...

I mean there is a chance, I was just biting my lip wondering.

Wayward Son said...

I call meth "California Crack". Not that there isn't a real crack problem here as well.

Thrills are highly overrated my friend. Once you've had one, you only want another.

gledwood said...

FRIEND: I don't know your email and when I click your name I get a blank profile with no leads to a blog. Please tell me how to get in touch with you.

Who is this Laurel? I know a Laurie in LA, who is Chinese, an ex-user who does a "Pimps and Prostitutes" Christian Mission ...

If she is someone else, did I perhaps know her by another name? I.e. a blogging nickname?

IVY surely if Friend says did I know a Laurel and you did and they both died last week they are one and the same.

gledwood said...

Wayward, you make an interesting point. Not every thrill IS worth chasing, bc there's a lot I don't chase and you don't chase; never did, never will. I suppose I have made this point to myself before: well I'm a heroin addict but I'm not addicted to this or that. Whether it is barbiturates or speed or Satanic rites or kiddie porn, no matter how low we think we've stumbled -- there always shall remain places we shall never go...

Dan said...

Gledwood, hang in there dude. I know that sounds trite, but maybe drugs are fogging your lenses and you're not able to see the beautiful stuff out there. Chopin, Picasso, Robert Frost, and on and on and on. Just open your eyes to the beauty, without having junk mess up your mind.

Maybe read about Taoism.

Kao said...

I have nothing to do with drugs.. but I don't mind being friend of an addict either.. so it's up to you that drug business, I think thatre are more valuable things than pointing anyone out because of his/her doings.

but seriously, do not invite me a line. xD

I think you wrote that very deep, it makes me wantread it all...

read you xD (means "nos leemos" in spanish...)

WhiteCrystal said...

Hi Gledwood how are you? Nancy Vietnamese here. Remember me? how ur life going on?

Wayward Son said...

I didn't mean it so much like that but I certainly see your point.

Pat-rick said...

great... thanks for you uninteresting dope-stories. please stop to promote those senceless things on my blog or maybe even others!

thanks!

Gledwood said...

Pat-rick: I wasn't "promoting" anything on your blog; I only said hello and gave my url. If you'd read any further than one day of mine you would see I write about everything I see and do. So I am a junkie? I don't hide the fact. Perhaps I am telling the world there is more to addiction than the man hiding in the alleyway preying on your cash ...

Gledwood said...

PS (to Pat-rick):---

Promoting...!? I only said hi and gave my url. Looking through your blog I see why you deleted my comment. I didn't realize you wrote for children. I write for grownups and anyone can say what they like on mine. Which is why your comment stands. All I am doing is keeping a blog about my life. I can't help what I am and I'm not going to lie about it. If you'd read any further than one day's post you would see that I write a hell of a lot more than stories of drugs you find boring. Good. I hope your boredom keeps you safe. I don't want anyone to try hard drugs. Maybe they will read my blog and see why they shouldn't.
If you want to read the blog of someone who came off and stayed off, go to:

http://crystalcleanpersuasion.blogspot.com

Gledwood said...

Hi Nancy (Latindancer?) You have changed your name!! What a lovely symbol you have! My life ... well it IS still going it hasn't stopped (yet!) I'm ok I'm surviving. I'm looking for a new beginning but haven't found it yet. Thanks very much for getting in touch again. Your new blog is amazing. Take it Easy !!

Gledwood said...

Hi DAN it's been a while, glad you are OK!

Gledwood said...

Kao you are very wise. Best never to have anything to do with drugs. Few good things ever seem to come of them. Lasting real relevant ongoing good things, I mean. In the world of drugs such things appear not to exist ...

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood