HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Saturday, April 21, 2007

Open House

IT'S OPEN HOUSE at mine yet again. Matran has kicked the front door open because once again he went out without his key. And my room door is totally defunct. Meaning that I'm sleeping at night with literally nothing between me and the street. Anyone could come in and murder me in my bed.

(If only!!)

14 comments:

~d said...

Hey yo, gleds! Passing thru! You popped into my place (earlier?) I am having the blogroll prob. My prob is: when I first set it up maybe 3 weeks ago, It updated and gave me this nifty "YAY" or NEW or whatever when someone had posted something new. It is no longer doing that. (ummm...sheet and street, huh?)

~d said...

Peering thru your blogroll(s) we have dan the man in common, and although I like raymi, I have not been to her in a while, HOWEVER, I link to her (mom).

~d

Top cat said...

gledwood, thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment.
Hope you are having a better day today.
tc

ASGadminMatt said...

I just built an addiction oriented bloging site www.addictionsupportgroup.com. I literally launched it last week. My goal is to build a page where people can share their daily experiences related to their addiction and recovery. I wanted to send out an invite after reading around you blog. If you or anyone you know would be interested in sharing their daily experiences please feel free to send me an email. admin@addictionsupportgroup.com

Deb said...

that's a bit unnerving gled. be safe, o.k. you should rig up something that will make a lot of noise if someone comes in while you're sleeping (you know, a booby trap)

slaghammer said...

Hang a quarantine sign outside your door, or whatever is left of your door. Tuberculosis is an effective one but “Infectious Scleromortis” might draw less scrutiny from the authorities. There’s no such thing as infectious scleromortis but it sounds sufficiently heinous to keep the odd passerby from dropping in for a visit.

pria said...

Between you and street, u have invisible things protecting you..

Gledwood said...

THANXX EVERYONE:

What I'm most probably going to do is buy an almighty bolt for my door and sleep with it bolted shut ...

My landlord should fix it; then again my landlord should do a lot of things he doesn't do and shouldn't do a lot of things that he does ... know what I mean ..?

Gledwood said...

This is my comment for asgaminmatt at http://www.addictionsupportgroup.com; I'm not sure the one I left there 100% registered ...

Thanks for the message you left on mine... This is a great work you're doing here...

My blog was originally mean to be a crossroads of addiction resources/etc but it was hosted on a different site and I've STILL not updated the old links I so painstakingly gathered ...

I'm adding you to my linxx straight away and I gave you a big bold shout in today's posting. I've only just logged in/got an ID here & am about to dive right in your site. It looks brilliant though... I will get back to you soon. Take it EZ

Gledwood
(http://gledwood2.blogspot.com)

Gledwood said...

-d Are you talking about the company "Blogroll".com or whatever ... or are you talking about comments coming into your blogger a/c??

There's a setting that you should be offered when setting up your blogger a/c (though I'm sure not everyone understandst the implications of saying yey or nay to it...) where you get the opportunity that whenever someone drops a comment into your blog (even if it's appended to a comment from some months or years ago ...) that YOU WILL AUTOMATICALLY GET EMAILED the entire comment... this way even if someone deletes what they've put you sneakily can read their embarrassing "not even for your eyes only" temperamental outspewings ...

Gledwood said...

Slaghammer that is a lovely idea by the way ...

Gledwood said...

Debs I was thinking of using one of those mini aerosol-sized rape alarms as my doorboobytrapsetupdevicethingie...

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood