HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

How I Spent Wednesday...

SAW MY DRUG COUNSELLOR TODAY. Walking there through gormless inner-city streets I worked self up into a lather about how remiss my previous workers, doctors, psychiatrists had been in failing to give any appropriate treatment about a year ago when I was well and truly on the verge of cracking up. As I explained, I was paranoid enough not to trust people, sane enough to know that if I shot my mouth off in front of a doctor I might well be diagnosed mad. And so my life shot down the toilet (I seemed to spend several months sitting on the floor surrounded by heaps of cockroach-crawling rubbish, simply staring into space). Now I am trying to unravel the consequences of this by putting my debts in order etc, but it is not easy. Any task I do that I am not used to doing I must break down into component parts; otherwise it seems insurmountable. I was advised. Or more to the point, TOLD, to get an appointment with my GP (family doctor) to go back on the one antidepressant that seemed to work without making me OTT irritable/hyper: mirtazepine/Zispin/Remeron. It gives wonderful dreams. A rather pleasing side effect. (Do click my mirtazapine links if you're interested in finding out more ...)

Well I'm off to go and stare into space ... (!!)

10 comments:

MichyPan said...

heyo, how did u get to find my blog? thanks for tagging & linking. tkc!

Gledwood said...

I found it pressing "next blog" at the top bar... just something I do from time to time!!

I have met loads of new friends that way.

Adelaide said...

Dear frend Gled,

I've just been reading your last post. I've to read it again and have the dictionary on my lap. I understand, if I am correct, that you have problems wht concerns you health. I want to tell you 3 things: 1st, do the impossible to be cured and I assure you'll be able. I know cases. 2nd. thanks for your blog as throught it I have visited good blogs, and 3rd, thanks for having introduced Ruth to me.We both love nature, colour, flowers and all that is beautiful. Keep on blogging because you are special.

your friend
maqira / Portugal

Gledwood said...

Maqira: I'm glad you got back in touch. You heard what happened with Ruth? She needs her friends right now.

"do the impossible to be cured"

... that sounds like v good advice! Thanks.

Black said...

dear glewood.. im very surprise to look your coment in my blog is so nice to see that people from diferente places like are intersting in see what is happenings in this corner of the world... the politic situacion in Guatemala sucks and this virtual places is the only way to tell the society that your are dispoint or not agree some pointos of the politicians, like you see my english are very bad but a i would like very much your blog its intersting that you share with the virtual comunity your experiencies its nice to see that and is a very good blog whit good design, im very glad ifo you and i can have a contact in this way maybe if you like to send my your msn and we can talk sometimes and be friends to share some information.. i going to see your blog frecuently and recomend to my friends to visit that too.

Gledwood said...

Thanks MN! Your English is nowhere near as bad as my Spanish!!! I think the whole world is going to the dogs (going downhill), this country too. The younger generation is so rude. Many of them only want to grow up to be criminals. I would never have believed this would turn out to be so when I was still at school ...

Klatuu o embuçado said...

Thanks for Your comment, after I'll come to read with more time Your acid words... ;)

Cheers!

(M)ary said...

ohhhh....i was on Remeron for awhile and i LOVED it!! i like your blog. i bookmarked it and will be back to read more later (-:

slaghammer said...

It’s interesting that the information at the Mirtazapine link instructs you to take the med either standing up or sitting down. I guess taking it while lying in the fetal position is not advisable. As far as side effects go, “wonderful dreams” beat the hell out of fecal vomiting any day. Don’t laugh, fecal vomiting is real! I would include a link to it but I can’t seem to get links to stick in my comments. Anyway, I dream in color when I talk to Bob.

Nicole said...

I'm not even depressed and would like the beautiful dreams!

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood