HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, April 23, 2007

Hubble Bubble Toil and Trouble

I'VE GOT BOIL IN THE BAG COD-IN-PARSLEY-SAUCE HUBBLING AWAY so this will have to be (relatively) quick. Big thanks to everyone for your wisdom re my mother. It's a complicated situation. To cut an incredibly long story short (because the story of my Mum is the story of my life: or they are, at least, in their very essences intertwined ... ...) About two years ago at Xmas time, having been out of touch for several years, she and her husband (my stepdad) turned up at my mailing address, which is Mother Hubbard's house and found me there, looking downtrodden and bedraggled. She was horrified, though at the time I didn't see this. I sat there in my coat and hat (defence mechanisms: don't ask for further explanation on that front; I can't give it) -- when my back was turned she asked Mother Hubbard "What is wrong with my son?" Mother H told her directly: "He is on methadone." And a lot of questions re why my life was never ever together were probably instantly answered. I told my Mum I was "doing well" on methadone which is a bit of a lie but probably what she wanted to hear. Her husband, however, just sees me as a hapless junkie (which I am). As I mentioned below, about the second time I saw her after this episode, I of course cleaned myself up as best I could but omitted to shave. I thought our meeting went rather well. But afterwards, on smoking a cigarette in a mainline railway station on the way home (I was getting the bus out of there) I was apprehended by police and "ejected from the station," according to the pink receipt they gave me, for "loitering". This made me think twice about my demeanour and appearance, especially when I'm in the company of my mother. She doesn't want to believe I'm an ongoing junkie. So now I make the biggest possible effort to physically smarten myself up whenever I see her and it seems to work. Just for the day, I feel like a different man. Why can't I keep this up? What is the meaning of the Universe? My appearance impinges on their marriage and what she has to listen to him saying about me. Of course she worries about me and so cannot keep her mouth shut to him regarding me anyway (and I wouldn't expect her to, though I'd prefer it). I make the biggest effort I can. I greatly appreciate all your advice and it's taken on board. But it came too late for this time. I get to see her again in about a month ...

Re my door: yes it's absolutely true; I am sleeping with not a lock between me and the street at night. This has been done a thousand nights before (though my door did at least have the semblance of locking back then; now it just hangs open and will not even shut on the dead latch ...) I have decided (rape alarms aside (I know how to attach one to a door) to simply buy for the short-term an almighty bolt or two and just bolt myself in at night. Everyone who knows this house knows Matran. They would not dare cause trouble. I feel like one of those fishies in the nature programme that pings immunely in and out of the poisonous monster's tentacles unharmed ... that has been the story of much of my life. Poisonous people though they probably don't "like" me, can tolerate me well enough that I become exempt from the ructions, rows and palavers of their lives (I simply will not get involved) so with Matran it's a bit like that. Yes, a bolt it's going to be.

And as for my landlord: shouldn't he fix it. Well the front door's been kicked in so very many times he never fixes it within a month of it being kicked in and very often it's kicked back off it's bearings within a week. So he feels no rush to do that. And there's a lot of things he's meant to do that he does not do. And a lot of things he ought not do that he does ...


***

Take a note of this Addiction Support Website www.addictionsupportgroup.com. It is still in set-up. Once ready, it will be well worth the time if you think you have the need ....

12 comments:

Gledwood said...

come on man where the hell are you all ->>??!?>>>....... ....... ....... ....... ........ ....... .......

gledwood said...

... who would say what when about who how ...??...???...????...?????...??????...???????

Gledwood said...

Oh no! How come by the time I get here there's 271 comments already_-??

If I was your Mum I would be really pleased to be in a video.

If I live that long I want to be like the 80 year old Austian guy who rocketed up the German charts with a series of techno-anthems wearing lederhosen, cavorting with blonde plaited milkmaids in the alps whilst giant gnome puppets body-popped out of their buckets. Yep, that will be me when I am 80 years old as well. It will help pay the bills at the retirement home ...

Gledwood said...

(Dan replied):--

Gledwood, why wait until you're 80? That sounds awesome NOW!

Amazing Gracie said...

You came by my site Saturday - I've been out of commission for a while. Just wanted to say "Hi," and thanks for the visit. I wish you well in your search for sobriety. April 13th marked the 2nd anniversary of my son-in-law's death due to opiate addiction. Please don't do the same!!!

Amazing Gracie said...

Since you figured out I'm in California and left two messages, I thought it only fair for me to leave two, also! Seriously, I do wish you well...

~d said...

Hey yo...
I have a waay addictive personality.
Count me in!

**you have come to me twice abt blogrolling, etc.
I have further questions, email me if you care to.
d.blogspot@gmail.com

zennist said...

Absolutely the landlord should fix it. If you get killed while living under those conditions, you could sue him. ;-)

Lone Grey Squirrel said...

Thanks for sharing more about you and your mom. I think its great that you care to smarten up for her and I am sure she appreciates it but don't let mere physical appearance deprive you both of quality time together. Hang in there Gleds.

thejunkyswife said...

Good luck to you, with the addiction, the mom, the door...the whole thing.

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood