HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Baby Vegetables; Marathon Sleep; Laundretta Punished

MARATHON SLEEP. I must have been all Gabbled out! For every time I sat at the computer yesterday I found myself lulling fitfully into sleep ... snapping back to life with a jolt! ... So eventually after 4pm when the day's most pressing things had been done, I went home and lay down ... and did not awaken till after 3am. Then I cooked a light midnight lunch of brown pasta twirls (frozen) "baby vegetables" - ie baby corn and sugar snap peas drowned out with masses of cheap baby carrots. Then I drank cyder and chocolate milkshake (not mixed together) and lay down and slept once more only waking briefly for the Hoobs and not stirring again until 9am and Frasier. What is wrong with me?

Why all that sleep? Why?? I do a bit of extra typing and yet I sleep like a Montana bear in winter.

Other news: Laundretta is being punished! (Or quite possibly not as the case may be ...) A gurgling sound from the top of the stairs yesterday attracted me up. There she was, splayed out, snozzling at midday. A letter lay beside her - something to do with an altercation on a bus. I've no idea what she did. Could have travelled without a valid ticket. Could have clawed the driver's eyes out with her eagle's talons. I don't know. And the transport authority may or may not take matters further and sentence her to detention where she belongs: behind bars in London zoo! I bet they won't do anything, though.

Laundretta's behaviour has hardly improved from this short sharp shock from the law! This very morning! There she was! Splayed out yet again! Grunting the weeping sighs of an adult tantrum. It was all an act that she slipped out of as soon as she needed to pop out to purchase a pack of fags - as readily as a supermodel slips out of one outfit and into another ... Then ten minutes later, bang goes the front door. Stomp stomp stomp up the stairs. Crunch. She sits on a packet of crisps. And snozzle snozzle snozzle sniff sniff - sob - gasp! - snuffle, wail and holler! She's at it again because her boyfriend who sticks close by her to spend her prostitute's earnings on crack doesn't love her ...- I mean!!

Finally. At last. We have a lock once again on our front door. And the landlord has threatened Matran - the culprit who's always kicked it off in the past - with police action. And I hope when they do intervene he gets deported back where he belongs!!!

***

I'm glad y'all liked my yesterday's poem!
I don't know what I was thinking when I wrote it. But obviously I found it again, dusted it off, and found it a pretty convincing pastiche of Victorian verse even if I say so myself ...!

(Wrote it so long ago, it almost feels like it was written by someone else ...)

***

I've altered now the very last line from

The bubble now has burst!

to

Of course - the bubble burst!

I felt the original wasn't quite "tight" enough // you know?

...

***

PS:-

泡影

I think this means "bubble" in Mandarin Chinese. (Thanks, Babelfish.) How cool is that?!?

***

BTW My newest video crazies are:

"Handling Another Hornet"

Blathering Bush

Mother's Day Card

Horny Cow!

Martial Arts Bloopers

and

Unplanned Cartwheel !!

***

BTW anyone interested in the famous Thai monestry drug detox(aparently known colloquially as the Opium Pipe Monestry) - I've got their url! They're actually called Tham Krabok. Their detox is no walk in the park, but it is world-renowned. Thanks to The Junky's Wife for the link.

She also gave this reference that is immensely useful: The Discovering Alcoholic - well worth a look.

***

What do you all think of my fab new clock? (From Clocklink.com.)Thanks go to Queenie from whom I purloined the idea! Very Ikea bourgeois Cape Cod or Hamptons holiday home kitchen wall, don't you think??

***

All these changes are down to my finally learning how properly to organize my sidebar. Only today did I finally figure how to move elements around. Don't laugh but that is the truth...

Another thing I've finally got round to: pasting back up my Addiction Resources Links. This blog was always meant to be a crossroads of drugs and alcohol resources, info and help - but because I had such trouble arranging my sidebar to my convenience that went out the window for the past four months. Well now it's happening. If anyone has any good links they think I ought to know about, please leave a message below. Many thanks!

14 comments:

RUTH said...

I've had that want to sleep all the time feeling too....I think it's all the rain, no sun and low light levels causing it.
YAWN.....
Rx

Gledwood said...

It HAS been raining an awful lot lately hasn't it?!

Thanks for the Google translation help I shall go to it and try and install later ...

Vincent said...

Hey Gleds, I read your comment on Nic's blog regarding the old lady. I just want to say that I think it's fantastic that you helped. The world is turning completely apathic these days and I hate it. The same happens here. people are so self involved these days. As if helping someone else is something to be ashamed of. Well done mate! :-)

Gledwood said...

It was great talking to you tonight. I got Ilse's url properly at last as well I will put it in my linxx::

http://ilseswonderewereld.blogspot.com/

Toccata said...

You were right that clock is pretty cool. I unfortunately can never seem to get these things to connect onto my own blog correctly. Sometime I will have to sit down and seriously work at improving my computer skills.

Can relate to the too much rain living on the West Coast.

Take care and that was one wicked poem you wrote there and I like the change you made to the last line.

Deb said...

I know how to do very little on my sidebar. I'm a little scared to experiment, as my friend wiped out everything once and that always stuck with me. So I've opted to stay very plain/safe.

I like the clock. Where, exactly are you located gled? I think I recall you saying London...is that right?

gledwood said...

Toccata/Debs: I had the same paranoia.
My old blog was on another company. I kept asking: how do I install a metre to at least count visitors (I had literally no idea how many people were dropping through - had a feeling maybe 40 or 50 people a day were calling but not commenting. Turned out I was right.) I kept on and on asking. People said just drop the html into the html editor. So I opened up a dummy blog on the same company. Dropped the html as I thought I was meant to. And it messed it up so bad that I had a white page with a counter at the top. Couldn't even get to log into it to sort it out. It was that damaged. So I know how you feel!!

Toccata said...

Oh yea, that last comment makes me feel like fooling around with my template now!

IVY said...

methadone makes it that bit easier to dose off at random times. I was probably taking too much on my off days this week because not only did I sleep in past class when I had gone to bed EARLY, I one time sat at a café and dropped a book every half an hour. Actually it was weirder than that.. I would do my homework and then 10 minutes later stare down at the answers thinking "I think I was gone for ten minutes with my eyes closed because this moment feels like a COMPLETELy different moment!!" And i would feel embarrassed wondering what/IF the starbucks people noticed. And this wasn't on the days when I took HIGH HIGH HIGH mind-blowing high amounts (like 70 5 mg pills at once and an extra dose). It is a weird drug. I know I am on the time release kind but..

IVY said...

dude, if I wasnt normally a person people though were on speed, than methadone WOULD make me into a zombie!

IVY said...

does that ever happen to you?

Ron Knee's Rants and Raves said...

Gledwood, I am worried about you. The Hoobs?

Bagpuss, yes. That is educational (especially some of the clever comments from Professor Yaffle) but the Hoobs are nothing more than some thick blokes with their hands stuck up a cloth puppet's jacksy.

At least Bagpuss is real and he moves about under his own steam.

And as for the mice from the mouse organ...

PS Have you noticed that Bagpuss never shits or pees in that shop window if he is locked in the shop overnight? He must have one hell of a bladder..

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood