HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, May 25, 2007

Sweaty Rattattouille

WHAT A STICKY, SWEATY AFTERNOON it has been! And still we've no hot water at home. They kindly turned the radiators on for us. But the water remains dysfunctional. So I turned in despair to babywipes this morning. (Used to use them when I was homeless.) Can't complain. At least I'm cleaner now than I was when I woke up ...

I HAVE A WONDERFUL RATTATTOUILLE bubbling in the slow cooker. The slow cooker that I found discarded at the end of my road about two years ago and, 'cept for a plate to go over the top, was in totally working condition. The rattattouille is my standard pasta topping: one medium-large red onion (chopped), four cloves of garlic (sliced), about seven small field mushrooms (sliced and cubed variously), a huge courgette (zucchini) (diced and cut into french fry shapes variously) and one red pepper (the monster chili-shaped kind that's tastier) (chopped). All briefly fried then thrown in slow cooker atop a can of chopped tomatoes. That's all that was in there until I recognized I was in seasoning crisis. Went out and purchased "extra hot" chili powder -- and it is!! Added a pea-sized amount of this which was enough to chilify the entire potload as much as I wanted it. (This is meant to be Italianesque; not Indian or Mexican ...) All was left to hubble for about two hours last night and not touched. My additions today have been one flat teaspoon rocket pesto (the rocket makes it really strong!) And I collected from Mother Hubbard's herb garden this morning a few sprigs of fresh rosemary and sage. Added one of each, roughly chopped (the sage) and barely chopped at all (the rosemary - to be more easily picky-outable.) It's all come along charmingly. Is having another hubble as we speak. There's actually enough for two or three portions. So I'll let you know how it gets along ...

IT'S QUITE RARE FOR ME to do proper cookery as I've been in such a pit of despair (over the previous months and so on)- you get lazy, you get used to eating rubbish. Actually chopping up ingredients and cooking for yourself becomes an insurmountably not-doable deed. So like all else, it just goes out the window...

(Went flying out the window into Mother H's herb garden. From whence I'm trying to drag it in ...)

You'll notice my version is minus the aubergine (eggplant) of the traditional recipe. Aubergine means nothing to me. Add another courgette if you want the missing sloppiness. This is merely my humble opinion but eggplants are for the egg-brained-!!

***

Ratatouille: click for a "Provencale" recipe I discovered ...

***

Ruth gave me this link. It's for an American guy's "back yard blog" - this week he's photographing the baby robbins who were born in a nest nearby ...


***

FREE HEATER. I found a free plug-in halogen room heater this evening. Just when the weather's really calling for it - I know - but that's why they get chucked out. And that's why I'm keeping it. Because I have a long memory. And winter here gets cold ...

***

STOP PRESS 22:51 hrs :- rattattouille was hooblygroobly
deliciamundo! Seriously. Those 24 hours mulling-time made all the difference. Not to mention my pesto (which is a bazil-in-olive-oil sauce only mine was brimming with rocket bc I bought a funny odd version). And Mother Hubbard's living garden sprigs. And; I forgot to mention: 18 drops of Maggi Liquid Seasoning (nonchili version). Plus, as I said, a pea-sized clump of extra-hot chili powder...

And I think that was it as far as extras goes... strange... because... to warp a silly saying round it, it is the extras what maketh the man ...

11 comments:

RUTH said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
RUTH said...

Hope it tasted as good as it sounds. If you have a mo go and look at

he has been posting some fabulous photos of baby robins being fed.
Rx

RUTH said...

Don't know why that link didn't come out right....click on the underlined bit anyway.

gledwood said...

Excellent Ruth - I posted the link up in today's post.

Anonymous said...

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Nicole said...

Ergh - comment spam has come your way Gled. I used to have bots do that on my blog a while back but thankfully it has stopped now.

I must teach you how to cook eggplant properly one day, it will not mean nothing to you anymore. It's not an easy vegetable and requires a bit of preparation but you can make some delicious things with it!

Anonymous said...

zimbio.com - let your blog reach a wider audience

Wayward Son said...

Those pesky anonymous posts are a testament to your prolific presence in the blogoshpere—which is so joyful despite the stated misery at times. How do you do that!?! (As I have been feeling very misunderstood as of late. All better now, though.)

I like the analogy of cooking to life. It is all a matter of ingredients and measure, no?

I agree with Ruth. Egg plant is a difficult dish to master but once done, a taste that is easy to acquire. But to each his own, not to be too pushy about the matter.

BTW, I posted a better vid that was sent my way about the Bay to Breakers race her in SF.

WS

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood