HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Video Diary

TRY AS I HAVE TO REMOVE IT, MU-MU LAND is still going round and round my poor dizzy head ...

They say "the old ones are the best" ... here's my record of the day:

Marianne Faithfull: Broken English

Surely she was "on the gear" when she made that track in 1979??

Continuing with the heroin theme, I also dragged up The Stranglers' Golden Brown. Probably the first one anyone thinks of when "songs about drugs" are mentioned.

And at the cheesier end of that scale we have The Shamen: "E's are good! E's are good! It's Ebeneezer Goode!!"

As far as my diary, my life goes, what's to say. I've been diverting myself with these videos for the last couple of days. Everything I do I do intensely. I've always been like that. I distract myself. E.g. I got digging and unearthed stuff by Barbra Streisand I've never seen before. But when I wasn't online and wasn't socializing I've been reading my Bible and keeping the world at arm's length (still). I don't know what else to do at the moment ...

***

Ivy sent me this picture of a big spider ...

***

It's been raining for the last couple of days. Which means no dry tobacco. (With a pack of 10 cigs costing £2.10 cheapest and a typical pack of 20 at £4.50 or more ($9 US!!) can you blame me for rolling my own "streetmix"? ... So when I did finally have a nice fag at about 8pm - whoohhh! Nicotine Head Rush city!!!

***

Debs: I got the restaurant review commission. Just give me a few days to get the right info together, then I'll post up ...

***

I'm reading Bill Bryson's Notes From a Small Island. An American's inside view of "Great" Britain.

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French cookery in French: http://recettes-de-cuisine-isaetdavid.blogspot.com/

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Spanish Vegitarian Recipes: http://receitasvegetarianasboas.blogspot.com/

10 comments:

CTK said...

Hey Gled,

I'm bummed there's been a glitch with your joining the Illiniboard. C'est la vie.

Take care.

Wayward Son said...

Hiya. Thanks for stopping by. I found this in regards to how the 12 steps came about. http://www.recoveryemporium.com/Articles/Origin%20of%20The%2012%20Steps.htm

I've heard other things as well such as this from Rational Recovery:

"AA founder, Bill Wilson, was fully in the grip of his own addiction when he experienced beatific visions and transcribed the venerated 12-step program. I said, “transcribed,” because the program was delivered to him during a trance, in the form of automatic handwriting, which he believed originated in a netherworld."

The first one seems a little more based in fact as it is written by Bill Wilson, The founder of AA. The latter is interesting but also seems to serve a purpose of its own. Both smack of membership drives and that troubles me somewhat. However, as I said before, if it works, it works. There is nothing else but that to make a comparison to. I think it is entirely possible to use a little bit of rational recovery, some or all of the twelve steps, other recovery regimens and, especially, medical science to support whatever in recovery one wants to be in. It's a bit like cooking, no? A little bit of this and some of that and voilà, you have yourself a scrumptious dish of recovery.

I've been writing about inhabiting this space, emotionally speaking, of nothing good/nothing bad as the flat lines. Now Mu Mu land sounds appealing. I'm not sure if it's appropriate though. Regardless, the song is floating around in my head as well. Mostly it's Tammy's voice I keep hearing (or singing as the case may be). I love that she sang (and they thought of her to sing this) "Stand By The Jam". There's a beautiful tribute to her at http://www.tammywynette.com/

I must say I am enjoying your video blog. It doesn't really lend itself to the sort of dialog that Gledwood Vol 2 does but one can certainly get lost in it in an entertaining way. Have you ever checked out last•fm? (http://www.last.fm/) Some people share their fav music through this site. I have never been able to make it work for me but then, I haven't really tried all that hard.

See you next time you make the rounds. I'm always keeping up with you between visits.

WS

Paterfamilias said...

I second what ctk said. I'm still holding out hope that you work it out.

IVY said...

glad you liked it! I'll send you more stuff Gled....

IVY said...

just give me your address!

pink ginger 珂琳 said...

No dry tobacco, time for chewing gum?
I enjoy reading your very interesting blog.
have a nice weekend.

Gledwood said...

Hi Ginger!

Wayward - many thanxx for that 12-step tip it is most fascinating!!

CTK & Pater - I know

Ivy you've got my address:

hammynutter@lycos.com ...

Clubbs said...

I loved "Justified and Ancient!" What a great song.

Thanks for your visit to my blog. You've got some cool stuff going on over here!

Bob

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood