HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


Gledwoods deutscher Blog

Bitte hier klicken ...


I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Starting in the early hours ...

HI! IT'S AFTER 3:30 in the morning. Beth Ditto, Yoko Ono and Scissor Sisters' Anna Matronic are sharing the Channel 4 sofa. Matran and Laundretta (hey - they could start a pop duo with those names) have been watching The Good the Bad and the Ugly. Its whistles and humming choruses boom through this house's cardboard construction.

When I was a kid, my brother and I watched that film with Clint Eastwood, Lee Van Cleef and the other one about fifty times on Brian's old VCR. So old was it that the "remote control" was indeed "remote" but controlled the video via a fully trip-up-over-able wire!! How old-skool is that!!?

Hey - wow! I just had a dream I was "embedding" Swedish Youtube screens. How strange. I don't recall ever dreaming about blogging before ...

I don't know all of a sudden - why?? - but the lack of colour here or, most specifically, my want of photographs are bringing my blog down. I do believe.

In the early days of "web-logging", daily journals in styles similar to my own were the norm. Nowadays, however, I find myself very much in the minority of bloggers - because I'm blogging without photographs. Now my pages feel kind of stark and compromising ...

Or have I just cluttered up my sidebars so much that my actual blog seems disappointingly bland?

Well it ought not to be bland, when you read it. Surely ...? Hopefully...?


One of these days I am planning to launch a brand new blog and this one shall be fully photo'd up.

But now I had better go. Because I've just been in the clinic and that makes me more depressed: being interrogated on how down I feel. I don't know... I've appointments every week because I'm such a headcase in their eyes. But the situation is this: I can either be getting weekly appointments but at least there's more chance I might get rehoused or at least some supposed benefit comes out of it. Or I can just get overlooked and then when I come out of the low - as I always eventually do - shall end up feeling angry at having been ignored when there was obviously something wrong and it's these people's job to do something about it.

I've still not got round to seeing my own doctor (at another place) and getting antidepressants. I was too depressed to move myself down there. Wah-waaahh! "Sad" indeed, but unfortunately true ...

OK I'm off now. It's mid-afternoon and the weather's perked from yesterday's miseries. Edyta said it was even hotter in Lithuania than it has been here! The sun is shining, fresh minty trees are swaying. Dappling sparklings and shadows all over ... OK I'll go before it gets too poetic. You'll all want anaesthetic to cleanse yourselves of it. OK I'm gone ...


pop !!



Edyta said...

whoooooohoooo! poetic! me likes!

btw, i was singing 'London Bridge' during eng lessons in primary school!

wish me luck, i have my english exam tomorrow!!!

gledwood said...

i thought ALL your exams were finished you said SCHOOL'S OUT 4EVA!!!

Well best of luck

why am i saying this?

u don't NEED IT you are an INTELLECTUAL LITHUANIAN don't u c ?!?

Acajutla Bendita Ciudad said...

muy buena pagina amigo de habla inglesa lo felicito me encantas los topicos que usted meciona felicidades.

gledwood said...

which means, according to Babelfish:

very good pagina English friend of speech I congratulate it you enchant the topicos to me that you meciona congratulations.

gledwood said...


Acajutla Bendita Ciudad has some FANTASTIC photos posted

RUTH said...

It would be great to see some photos on your blog. I've been trying macro photography...got a bit hooked on it...nothing great but if you fancy a look I started a blog of them


Dan said...

I've blogged about dreaming, but I have never dreamt about blogging.

And now here you are blogging about dreaming about blogging. I'm getting a headache just thinking about it! :)

Amazing Gracie said...

I don't think your blog is boring...I love the color - it's cool and appealing to me. I don't care for most warm colors. After all, aren't we depressed folk supposed to be blue?
I know what you mean about being too depressed to go get antidepressants. Don't want to leave the house for anything or anyone! Just leave me alone...Too bad that attitude stinks but it's just where we are at times...

Sandy said...

You don't need pics, I find your writing very interesting...

Gledwood said...

i'm going to try and save this conversation from gabbly

Gledwood: c






Paterfamilias: hello

Gledwood: Can't sleep

is someone out there?

Gledwood: Hello who is that?

say hi or forever hold your peas ...

ok sorry I gotta go ...

Gledwood: hi

anyone wanna talk


if not i'm going to


ok laters

Welcome to Gabbly!
Learn how to make money from hosting a chat by registering your name here!

gabber639 has joined.

gabber639 is now Gledwood

Gledwood: edyta

Edyta: heeeeey


Gledwood: Edyta I'm back!!hey hows it going


Edyta: it's not too good

Gledwood: why?

Edyta: my friend's been attacked by a knife

Gledwood: OMG


Edyta: got he lung cut a bit :|

gonna visit him tomorrow

Gledwood: has he got a drain on it


you know what I mean

Edyta: hmm, didnt actually get u

Gledwood: they have to drain the fluid off

Edyta: yeaaaaaaaah

thats right

Gledwood: so they open a hole about 2cms wide to the L or R of your bellyunder the ribs ... ok

Edyta: oh, btw my exam isnt tomorrow

Gledwood: he will be ok though

i know

Edyta: its on wednesday

he will!

u r soooo sweet for ur concern

Gledwood: what can i say

Edyta: how's it been going on there?

rain came here!

Gledwood: i mean.... right well not a lot it got cold

Edyta: btw, i was on the placebo concert yesterday

Gledwood: now it's warmer the English weather's v variable.... Placebo I know the name but I cannot place their music

have they got a famous song?

Edyta: yeah

bitter end




u can google for 'em on youtube

Gledwood: i will have to call up youtubes of them.... bet I know the tunes when I hear them...

Edyta: their british

Gledwood: just wot i was saying


Ever heard of a band called BUSH

they are really famous

in America


Gledwood: but not here

they're British

are they big chez vous?

Edyta: hmmmm not so

ya know

Gledwood: haha! btw is it one last xam now

then all over??

Edyta: there r ppl called emo

u know them?

Gledwood: no! I've been quite out of touch with music

don't have a cd player

have radio

Edyta: a mix of goth & punk & i dunno what

they like cutting themselves

Gledwood: oh! I'm getting too old for that!!!

Edyta: haha!

so am i


Gledwood: do you know what

i think back to when i was 16

Edyta: there were a lot of these "emos" on the concert

Gledwood: in the 1980s

Edyta: yeah?

Gledwood: ok... and the 1960s

were as far away then

as the 80s are now

only i don't think fashions have changed as much (musically/visually)

in the same number of years

bc you hear young girls

talking about Madonna

Edyta: thats right

Gledwood: whereas Marianne Faithfull


other 60s singers seemed from another PLANET almost to me then

also we wore drainpipe jeans

really tight

Edyta: woah :)

Gledwood: the 60s baggy clothes

Edyta: yup yup

Gledwood: seemed well bizarre yeah i remember

climbing a f******


well a big hill

in tight jeans

never again!!

also if they got wet

Edyta: hahahhahahah :D

Gledwood: u could HARDLY GET THEM OFF!!

you could always spot French people and Germans

in the 80s

bc they wore

Edyta: haahhahahahahha :D

Gledwood: bright colours

and baggier jeans

not flares


Gledwood: but they well stoood out!!!

Edyta: aaah

Gledwood: hahaha!!

Edyta: my dad looked like a hippie

guess he was one

Gledwood: Long hair?

Edyta: when i saw his pics

i was like OMG!

ya know

he reminded me of...


Gledwood: ha-haaar!!

Edyta: fromk scooby doo

Gledwood: o yeah he's a real stoner

Edyta: from*

Gledwood: from what? what's * ... ?

Edyta: i loooove that cartoon btw


when i make a mistake

Gledwood: o


Edyta: i correct myself

like this


Gledwood: it took me ages to realize what :D meant

Edyta: deyta




Gledwood: i use ...

gabber958 has joined.

Gledwood: ;->...

that is me winking

and dribbling

Edyta: i noticed

gabber958 has left.

Edyta: anywho

Gledwood: wow there's 4 people on at once that's loads more than usual

Edyta: heeey, how come only we r talking?

i use


Gledwood: i know

Edyta: smiling

Gledwood: because may be

they not

gabber442 has joined.

Edyta: :| as sad

or :(

Gledwood: sorry

Edyta: also sad

Gledwood: I forget to use them most of the time

Edyta: then :D grinning

Gledwood: I'm too used to oldfashioned Words!!

is :D

someone with a big grin surely

and :O

Edyta: yep

Gledwood: is shocked

Edyta: yeah :)

Gledwood: hang on i'm thinking

for others


i think u said them all!

Edyta: hmmmz


Gledwood: oH!!!

what about this one...

Edyta: is like another smiley

Gledwood: let me get it

Edyta: oh wait

i forgot my fave one





Gledwood: %-> that is me drunk

Edyta: LOL :D

Gledwood: i never saw the P one before!!

Edyta: imagine a tongue


something like that

Gledwood: yeah

hang on isn't there one like


*-> = someone with a black eye

gabber442 has left.

Edyta: ahaaa


oh wait



Gledwood: WOW!!

&:-) an old lady's hairdo

or something

Edyta: :DDD




someone's drooling


Gledwood: o no!!

there's one that means a humungous beard

canot think of it

maybe ;->>>>>

or something

Edyta: may haps :D

Gledwood: £:-) that's a designer hat ok i'll stop now

Edyta: hahahahah :D

Gledwood: what plans have you got

for the summer?

Edyta: Gleds, u always have so many things to say

i just wanna sit & listen listen listen


hmmm, nothing coherent yet!

Gledwood: travelling? working? ...

Edyta: i'd love to travel


Gledwood: o when i was about your age

i did a thing called

Jeunesse et Reconstruction

it's a french charity

you camp for 3 weeks

Edyta: aha & its abt?

Gledwood: and work every day

5 days a week but only mid morning till mid afternoon

either excavating ruins or repairing buildings or clearing the countryside

type of thing

you only pay your ticket there

& i met zillions of people

from all over europe

(I so am glad at times like that

that I am European not American, know what I mean?)

Edyta: hmmm

tell me why?

Gledwood: well America is one culture

Edyta: ahaaaa

Gledwood: the DIFFERENCES

are more of CLASS

and money things

Edyta: yeah got it


Gledwood: whereas in Europe everyone has their own ... ok

Edyta: tell me gleds, to what countires have u travelled?

Gledwood: ok when I was about 11 Malta

then Holland about 13


did that work camp thing

also Spain

and Morocco i went to morocco by train and boat via spain from Wales!

flew to India in 2000


Gledwood: that's it but I'm so glad i went esp morocco & india

Edyta: time to use this emotion: :O

Gledwood: morocco is v like india

you should definitely go


bc i tell you

Edyta: guess what

Gledwood: a stereo or something

Edyta: Dan said the same thing!

Gledwood: ... sorry?


Edyta: he said india was magical


Gledwood: basically things you can hold in your hand are nice but if you can get totally away you never forget it

the stars are amazing

the atmosphere is kind of magic as well

having said that

Edyta: yeah...

Gledwood: i think back

and was well not TOTALLY unaware


Edyta: awww! i wish i could travel :)

Gledwood: you can!

Edyta: yeah, but its not for my pocket :)

Gledwood: you already have English better than a lot of English people

no what I'm saying is

you can go to London/Paris did you do French I can't remember?

you could go to somewhere like that

and work

and travel on THAT money

Edyta: :)

sounds fascinating

however i dont know french

Gledwood: you wil meat so many people in places like London paris

what is the other language

apart fromRussian

Edyta: i know only 4 languages


Gledwood: Lithuanian

Edyta: & lithuanian

Gledwood: Oh Polish

Edyta: thats right

Gledwood: How come Polish?


you've polish blood?

Edyta: i am polish myself

Gledwood: oh! i bet it's a long story

how you came to be in lithuania

Edyta: t'is

Gledwood: then!

Edyta: well

Gledwood: haha



Edyta: r u sure u wanna hear this?


Gledwood: ok

Edyta: the history

of lithuania


dum dum dum dum


soa, back in the 1920's

vilnius, the capital of LT

Gledwood: yep

Edyta: didnt belong to lt at all

cuz the polish came

Gledwood: ok

Edyta: & kinda occupied it

Gledwood: ok

Edyta: soa, it belonged to poland

then during the world war 2

Gledwood: i think i know what ur gonna say

did the borders all move

to the west

Edyta: it was also occupied by the natzis & polsih &

everyone else, who wasnt lazy


but then

as the natzis lost

the borders were set

during the postdam conference

in 1945 i think

Gledwood: yep they cut right into Germany


used to be German


Gledwood: didn't there used to be 2 bits of Germany

with Poland in the middle?

Edyta: so lithuania took vilnius again

Gledwood: Is Vilnius a v old place?

Edyta: & poland had a larger teritory in the end

so u see

there was this mixture of culture

in vln


Gledwood: u must not remember the USSR

Edyta: the polish

Gledwood: surely you're too young?

Edyta: russians

Gledwood: weren't you about 2 when the wall came down


Edyta: USSR!

i was born in the ussr!

Gledwood: yeah there#s loads of russians

Edyta: i was born in a country

Gledwood: there weren't they

Edyta: that does not exist!

Gledwood: and they don't speak Lithuanian


oh i see

somehow the former ussr government

let you keep the latin alphabet

i remember reading that bc that's well unusual

Cyrillic became the badge of Communism.

Edyta: well u see

artists couldnt paint

singers couldnt sing

writers couldnt write

cuz they were just banned

cuz of the censorship

Gledwood: i remember seeing this clip of moscow/somewhere in the 1960s

this guy was dancing in the street

Edyta: OH!

Gledwood: the commentator said something really telling

bc midway through the dance

Edyta: now dont get fooled!!!!


see what i mean?

Edyta: let me tell ya

Gledwood: what do you mean don't get fooled

Edyta: when a troup from london

or paris

was comming to the ussr

they had this programme called

cleaning time

during this time

they would gather all homeless ppl

or bandits

Gledwood: shove them away?

Edyta: & drive them



& then the foregners

Gledwood: oh! i see...

Edyta: see this pompastic

idyllic place

Gledwood: yep

Edyta: so, it was all an illusion, this ussr



Gledwood: i didnt know they had homeless

and bandits

i thought

that after the wall came down

the black marketeers

from ussr times

took over

& became mafia

but i didn't realize there was already any underclass

didn't everyone get a job?

i heard about people

working in factories

basically employed

to lock the doors at 5pm

Edyta: well

they died bc of overwork...

Gledwood: sitting all day doing nothing bc their job was basically made up


Edyta: yeah...

Gledwood: i heard there were jobs

basically with nothing much to do

Edyta: noooo

Gledwood: just so 100% employment cold be claimed

Edyta: mostly there was physical work

carrying stones

& heavy things

& working a non humane work

& no difference who r u

Gledwood: like slavery


Edyta: a professor or a thief

u have to do it

Gledwood: it sounds almost as bad

Edyta: or be shot


Gledwood: as the Cultural Revolution

gabber132 has left.

Gledwood: in China

Edyta: exactly!


its worse

gabber26 has joined.

Edyta: China was just a follower

of the ussr regime

Gledwood: really? but Mao sounded like a NUTTER!

Edyta: it was awful!

he was


Edyta: but mao admired stalin

& kinda copied him

Gledwood: he was on a level with hitler

Edyta: however stalin

Gledwood: stalin

i mean

Edyta: was just laughing at him

Gledwood: yeah? at mao


Edyta: thats right!

Gledwood: the way I see it

since communism came down

nearly everywhere

the world is unified

Edyta: yeah

Gledwood: and trading one country with another

Edyta: but on the other hand

it broke ppl's lives

there r different ppl

some r more conservative

they couldnt deal this new laws

cuz they got used to communism

Gledwood: it's not fair

i understand that

Edyta: a lot of them even finished their own lives

by suicide

Gledwood: i'm one of those peole

Edyta: so, its an awful thing, in general

Gledwood: i could have either been a model citizen


i would have gone contrary

and said

this system of ours (communism) is









Edyta: sounds disgusting, doesnt it?

it changed the mentality of so many ppl!

Gledwood: really it's like orwell

Edyta: for example

lets play pretend

i am ur naighbour

Gledwood: yeah

Edyta: right?

Gledwood: ok

Edyta: neighbour*

& i see that u bought a new car

Gledwood: yep

Edyta: so i automatically think

that u have more than me

u live a btter life

gabber26 has left.

Edyta: u should be get ridden of

what do i do?

i call the KGB

Gledwood: oh you grass me up to

Edyta: tell on u

Gledwood: yes

i see

Edyta: a black car comes

they get u

torture u

make u admit to crimes u ahve never done

Gledwood: yes

Edyta: & voila

u r :

Gledwood: of course

Edyta: a) in prison

b) shot

c) a slave worker

so this is how it all was working

Gledwood: or didn't they used to say people were insane?

Edyta: i've read books abt it

how they made soap out of human fat left overs

ropes from human hair

Gledwood: and pump them full of antipsychotics just bc they disagreed with the system?

oh that

is dusgusting

i heard that as well

Edyta: its awful


Gledwood: hitler

Edyta: worjkers were eating

Gledwood: or natzis making human leather

Edyta: bodies

Gledwood: gross

Edyta: of their own dead friends

Gledwood: it's easy to say this now

Edyta: yeah...

Gledwood: but i don't think

Edyta: these were not ppl anymore

Gledwood: i could ever eat another person

Edyta: these were animals

Gledwood: i see what you mean

Edyta: & when freedome came

Gledwood: did you ever read George Orwell

Edyta: & these animals were free

Gledwood: Animal Farm 1984

Edyta: they just commited suicide

Gledwood: i don't blame them

Edyta: or killed other ppl

Gledwood: do you know

we still don't hear that much

Edyta: cuz their mentality was forever changed

Gledwood: about this stuff over here


Gledwood: that#s why i'm glad

i did german

bc it gave me access to 2 worlds

but the wall came down between

starting the A level course

and finishing it!

Edyta: oh yeah


Gledwood: it was weird

Edyta: scary world we live in

Gledwood: i was fascinated by east

berlin etc


u mean now?


Edyta: in general

Gledwood: i see what you're saying HUMAN NARUEW


Edyta: look at history

Gledwood: sorry

Edyta: all ppl do is hate

Gledwood: history is full of repetitions

Edyta: & by hate we kill





Gledwood: i know

i have to go

as well

Edyta: i've gotta run

Gledwood: i don't want to keep ypu


i hope your friend

well i know

Edyta: we should repeat our conversatiob

Gledwood: will be ok

and best

Edyta: thanx, Gleds

Gledwood: of luck with XAM

Edyta: !

Gledwood: take care!

Edyta: tahnk you

Gledwood: see you later!

Edyta: u too, surely!

Gledwood: ok


Edyta: cya cya :)


Edyta has left.

Gledwood: ok



NasserChung said...

hi there , i found you , welcome to my blog and let me have a chance to see yours , thanks so much , and here is my flickr photos , take a look if you have time , cheers~

NasserChung said...

here it is:


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Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood