HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, May 11, 2007

Old Man

THE DRUGS CLINIC WAS PACKED OUT when I came for my latest appointment. All manner of people from various stages of my past. (I don't so much view them as present friends because circumstances and geography have kept us separated. But "old friends" some of them are. And "old acquaintances" others ...)

On leaving the clinic we passed a greyhaired man on the street. He was accompanied by two guys who I initially suspected might be drug dealers. Someone I'd met in the clinic stopped and said some words to this old man. I walked on a bit. After all I didn't know him.

A minute later, when the old man and the dealers had walked on and the moment had thoroughly passed, I asked: "Who was that?"

Turns out it was someone I used to know very well. Shared a squat with. Begged opposite. Bought crack with. He was a drinker (a heavy drinker) an enthusiastic smoker of cocaine. He was agressive. (Told me he had a "personality disorder" - which certainly made sense.) And he couldn't fight for toffee. Which made him essentially harmless, though often difficult to deal with. And the fights he did get in were hilarious ...

The last time I saw him, about two years ago, he was sitting on the step where he often waited for his dealers. So I came bounding up enthusiastically. But he just looked dejected. And older. Even back then. Told me he was "waiting to go into rehab" and had long given up the crack. A while previously he had begun waking with the shakes. True, full-blown alcohol addiction had taken hold.

Last I heard of him, he was in a mental hospital. Having given up drinking and gone through shocking DTs (this is when winos see "pink elephants" etc...), his mind span out to some unseemly corner of the universe and stayed there. He is presently a longterm resident. Nobody can say if or when he might be released.

That was the man I caught sight of a couple of days ago. I'm good with faces and no way, unless I'd been told, would I have recognized this guy as the same man from the same lifetime. He has changed so incredibly much. He looks broken. Utterly unrecognizable. And those accompanying him were mental health nurses ...

I don't regret walking on. As I said, the moment had passed. I know his full name and I know where he's staying. So one day, during visiting hours, I'll hopefully pick the right moment to come see him.

Don't know what else to say, except the disastrous consequences of life upon people can be terrifying to behold ...

***

Where do the 12 steps (of AA/NA) come from? Click here for info ...

-- Thanxx Wayward Crystal Clean

***

Finally at last I found a Hoobs clip. On someone else's TV (you'll see what I mean when you see it ...)

13 comments:

Nicole said...

Here's something to make you feel better:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r0E-0ntoNWo

Gledwood said...

Thanxx Nicole. I transferred that clip as first post in my NEW (even newer!!) NOVELTY vidclips blog

http://gledwoodvideo.blogspot.com

not to be confused with the main (mostly musical) "video blog" this one will be full of giant hornets and Chinese children floating down the river in balls ...

Nicole said...

Ooooooh the even newer blog sounds great! I'll have lots of things to send you for that one! The red colour does hurt my eyes a bit though.

If you ever need colour reference for future use or simply just so I don't get eye cancer take a look here:

http://www.hypergurl.com/colormatch.php
http://beta.dailycolorscheme.com/

Gledwood said...

It's gone green now!!.......

Gledwood said...

memo to self

http://glamjo.blogspot.com

Nicole said...

I can totally dig the green. The red just really hurt my eyes. I think it's because I'm not a fan of red to begin with and also I think it makes me aggressive to look at it. Now I can watch fun videos and be calm at the same time! THANKS!!

TeaCup said...

hey there.
you commented in my blog a little while back. And I just wanted to say thank you.
I'm not hung up on him anymore.

- sarah

Gledwood said...

Nicole: good

Gledwood said...

Sarah: good too (even better) ...

RUTH said...

Hi Gleds; in answer to your question on my blog.....go into customise where you can add and arrange page elements. Click on the edit in the big box that says Blog Posts and take it from there. Will catch up with the novelty vidclips later; Leanne staying the night so need to do some cooking!

Gledwood said...

Best of luck with the cooking...! No what am I saying!! Best of Luck is what I NEED!!! You're an excellent cook.. I can tell this psycically without needing ever to meet you..! Seriously.

Gledwood said...

Thanxx for the advice I'll have a look now ...

Never ever did click that big box. Was too scared too.

Won't get electrocuted will I..???

Anonymous said...

It's almost as if the old man is a mirror, a warning as to what you can look like in years if you fail to conquer these drug demons.
These drugs like crack, crystal meth and heroin destroy lives as I'm sure you know all too well.
They take control of a person and suck every bit of life and humaness from a person.
I wish you strength gledwood.
tc

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood