HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Saturday, May 26, 2007

History Speaks

THIS MORNING I WOKE UP with this rhyme going through my head.

Oranges and Lemons

Oranges and lemons
Say the bells of St Clements
You owe me five farthings
Say the bells of St Martins
When will you pay me?
Say the bells of Old Bailey
When I grow rich
Say the bells of Shoreditch
When will that be?
Say the bells of Stepney
I do not know
Says the great bell at Bow
Here comes a candle to light you to bed
Here comes a chopper to chop off your head

Chip-chop chip-chop chip-chop-chop!

Brings me right back to my childhood. The place-names form a musical tour of old London. The tune to which it is sung does recall churchbells very vividly. I remember this being "performed" at kiddies' parties, the children pairing off, holding hands in a row. Then one child walks through as the arms are brought down as the choppers.

Do children still sing these songs, I wonder? And are they sung anywhere abroad? I've never heard of American kids singing Oranges and Lemons.

The origins of these rhymes are often sinister and grotesque: Oranges and Lemons is no exception. It dates back to the reign of Henry VIII, the "happy headchopper" ... need I say more?

The other one that was very popular with future stoners (how many times have I heard drug-abusers recall how they "used to spin round and round till they fell over" in childhood:

Ring-a-ring of roses
A pocket full of posies.
A-tissue! A-tissue!
We all fall down.

This one is chanted, not sung. The children hold hands in a circle and skip round faster and faster until they dizzily fall on the floor in a heap. Always a popular move with the under-sevens.

This one dates back to the times when bubonic plague was terrorizing the heart of England. The "ring of roses," supposedly refers to the rosy spots that were often the first symptom of the deadly illness. Nice smells and posies were said to afford protection from the "bad air" that brought with it plague. Sneezing was often taken as a first sign of infection. "We all fall down." - yes - dead.

And last but not least:

Mary Mary quite contrary
How does your garden grow?
With silver bells
And cockle shells
And pretty maids all in a row.

The Contrary Mary was Bloody Mary, "silver bells and cockle shells" refer to instruments of torture (click the link to find out); the "maids all in a row" were "maidens" - an early form of the guillotine!

16 comments:

Paterfamilias said...

Never heard of "Oranges and Lemons". We definitely used to sing "Ring Around the Rosie". But we'd say "...ashes, ashes, we all fall down". We used to say "Mary Mary, quite contrary....." just like you had it. And, of course, we'd sing "London Bridge is falling down".

Wayward Son said...

Kids are only told nursery rhymes to prepare them for the horror of meeting clowns. It's a wonder any of us didn't drop dead from fright.

WS

Toccata said...

Speaking only for myself I only knew the last two nursery rhymes. Nursery rhymes, clowns and fairytales. How did parents ever let us have access to such horrors! :)

Edyta said...

GLEDS!
Now kids are soooo much different! Ewww! They now only think abt sweel gadgets & computers & mobile phones. Heck, they have better phones than i do :D omg!
I was in a bus once & two 7 year old were talking:
- hey, i got a new cell phone!
- no shit?
- yeah, gimme ur skype & i will show ya a picture
- okay, its destroyer666

OMG! kids swearing that much! even i don't swear this much :D & i DO have to wash my mouth with SOAP from time to time, ya know?

How have u been doing, Gleds?

Lone Grey Squirrel said...

Thanks for sharing. I have not heard of Oranges and Lemons. Another one which I know of is Humpty Dumpty which was really a seige machine for breaching castle walls. Defenders would of course try to make Humpty Dumpty fall off the wall. I think this dates to the English Civil War.

junky said...

everytime I hear oranges and lemons, it makes me think of "1984". It was a very pivotal plot developer.

RUTH said...

Did you know there was a version with more bells in
"Oranges and Lemons" say the Bells of St. Clements
"Bullseyes and Targets" say the Bells of St. Margaret's
"Brickbats and Tiles" say the Bells of St. Giles
"Halfpence and Farthings" say the Bells of St. Martin's
"Pancakes and Fritters" say the Bells of St. Peter's
"Two Sticks and an Apple" say the Bells of Whitechapel
"Maids in white aprons" say the Bells at St. Katherine's
"Pokers and Tongs" say the Bells of St. John's
"Kettles and Pans" say the Bells of St. Anne's
"Old Father Baldpate" say the slow Bells of Aldgate
"You owe me Ten Shillings" say the Bells of St. Helen's
"When will you Pay me?" say the Bells of Old Bailey
"When I grow Rich" say the Bells of Shoreditch
"Pray when will that be?" say the Bells of Stepney
"I do not know" say the Great Bell of Bow
Rx

Blue said...

Yes, I grew up with that rhyme.!
And, my local one was:-
"Ride a cock horse to Banbury Cross, and see a white lady on a white horse. She shall have rings on her fingers & bells on her toes, and music where ever she goes!!!

Blue

IVY said...

didn't know those nursery rhymes had such horrible histories.
Help me- I keep sleeping! I'm not sad and NOOO the methadone does NOT make me sad but i am sleeping way too much! I fell asleep at 5 and woke up the next moring at 10 and then took a nap at 12 when I was reading a book but then.. I used to be some one considered "OVER-motivated." This is really driving me nuts, I've never done THIS.
I wish I had some ritalin.
I'll start by taking some coffee and perhaps some sudafed..

Gledwood said...

Thanks for all the info everyone.
Edyta you asked how i was actually i feel deathly depressed that is why i avoided posting about myself.
Ivy have you been reading too much??

Gledwood said...

I've been sleeping all the time as well. I don't think it has anything to do with the time of year or the weather. I just feel horrible anyway and would rather be asleep.
Ho-hum ...

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you are amazing said...

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The link at the bottom of it should havd read...

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sorry about that.

T.O. said...

In Canada, we sang:
Ring-around the rosie,
A pocket full of posies.
Hush-a! Hush-a!
We all fall down.

I think the "hush-a" was to emulate sneezing originally since it was apparently a Black Plague nursery rhyme (happy thoughts, eh!) but we didn't chant it that way as kids.

No Oranges and Lemons in Canada, to my knowledge. But "Ride a cock horse" we had to set to music in one of my music classes in university, using the Kodaly/Orff methods - ah, the memories.

Thanks for a great blog! I've added you to my sidebar and will spend more time reading later on.

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood