HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Out of the Blue: Stew

IT'S A BLUE and white day, when it's sunny and cloudy and a little bit breezycome rain or come shine. Both came.... At long last the bank holiday mood outside is over. Bank holiday meant grey day this time. We have far too many of them spaced at poorly thought-out intervals. (Actually: what am I saying. No-one thought them out. Like most British things, it just came to be that way and no-one complained too much so nobody changed it.) We basically had three bank holiday Mondays in not much more than the space of a month. Easter and then the first and last Mondays in May... O! and how very interesting. I was just about to delete this but thought: no. Capture it for posteriority the drivel you descend to. Seriously.

Not much doing today. I feel ... adrift. And utterly unfocused.

I am, however, intent upon commencing the cooking of a fabulous beef stew with dumplings just as soon as I post this here. As I suspected, Sainsbury's charged me nearly £3.50 for half a kilo for the meat last time. So today I went to a halal butcher and got a kilo of what they assured me was stewing beef cubed (specially for me, not ready cubed). The cut was "neck". I told the man with impressive beard that I want to stew it for three hours. The younger assistant had appeared to switch to "no speak English mode" when I'd previously said this to him.

But boss-man insisted this was the right stuff for me and I'm off to purchase potatoes, chopped tomatoes, courgettes (zucchini), mushrooms, onions, garlic, and maybe a couple of carrots. Red peppers are staying out (can't see the point of stewing those.) I've several spriggs of rosemary courtesy of Mother Hubbs' herb garden. And chili powder, Maggi liquid seasoning "for casseroles and stews", and the remains of rocket pesto that are getting chucked in. Was going to get self-raising flour and vegetarian suet but the supermarket I ventured into had no value flour (sorry but I'm not paying six times as much for the same thing with more "wholesome"-seeming packaging. And their suet was literally just beef dripping. Which would have cost nearly £2 in all just for dumplings. So I caved in and spent 43p on industrial dumpling mixture.

Wish me luck. Usually my stews are well pukka. I'll let you know how this one gets on ...

***

It took me an HOUR merely to peel, chop, fry and do everything else prior to bunging all in slo-cooker. Man! An HOUR! Also I just worked out I spent over £5 on all them ingredients so they'd BETTER turn out OK!!

Well even on eventually replacing dinnerplate on cooker (no "official" lid - never had that) I caved into temptation to taste the beef. Bear in mind my potatoes were raw as first snow in Arctic. But the beef was done! Done enough to be perfectly edible. (Bearing in mind this is pie-steak. It will never get ultra-tender but when well done you can cut most of it with the side of a spoon.)

Bought some herbs in the supermarket: ground ginger (added half teaspoon of); celery salt (added flat teaspoon of); paprika (added two generous teaspoons of); "herbes de provence" (thyme, marjoram, rosemary, oregano, savory (what is that??), basil, tarragon (& btw what is tarragon LIKE. I don't recall ever tasting it. & don't ask me to pick it outta this mix ... anyhow I put in a pinch of this one...) plus thyme (another pinch).

If you wonder my unexplained excitement at this "modicum" of domesticity, just bear in mind (1) you didn't see the conditions I prepared this food in!! and (2) last weekend aside, I've not cooked anything like a beef stew for over three years ... so there you have it.

My normal "recipe" is called Carbonized Vulgarity Burgers. You fry ultra-value utter cheapest beefburgers to death - ie until blackened all over but not TOO crispy. Serve in hob-toasted pitta bread with plenty of black-peppered ketchup and a large shot of heroin. (Folks: I cannot vouch this would be edible without it.)

OK I'm off again!

Tomorrow!!

***

Sorry one last PS:

Come and see this: Ruth's From a Bee's Eye View Macro Photos Blog.

I wish she'd been in my bathroom at 4 o'clock this morning for we had a fine (but tiny) specimen of a moth. Imagine (fairly) milky coffee with a further pattern sprayed atop in spray cream. He had wings like that. And a yellow head. And as I said he was tiny but so pretty. If I'd have had a working camera I'd definitely have photo'd him (& our peeling paintwork) ..!

23 comments:

Paterfamilias said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
gledwood said...

OK cool
I wasn't around at the random times you were .... vice-versa
maybe staying in touch by email is easier!

Gledwood said...

OK I've sent the email. O u've gone! Hope u got it then...

Annelisa said...

MMmm, made my mouth water, anyhow!

I laughed when you visited my blog just now, and said it looked somehow familiar, or my face did... that's about the third or fourth visit!!! I think you said before you came from Dan's 'Blah Blah Blog', so it came as a nice surprise you got to me via the random button this time... you took the scenic route I see :-D

Anyway, it's good to see you again! And I hope we'll visit with each other more often :-)

Gledwood said...

See!!! I knew I knew you from somewhere - just couldn't place u... sorry for the repetitions!!

"Angeldust" said...

So, did you only eat the meat?
I am very curious about the taste - I am a two/three spice girl...

Thanks for leaving word at my blog (you should see the other ones!) lol - but seriously :)

I love "blog-hopping" but have found myself with limited time these past few months - greatly slowed down by our non-stop rains.

You are also welcome

"Angeldust" said...

PS
Annelisa is one of my favorite/darling blogger friends...

Tea & Margaritas in My Garden said...

Thanks for visiting my blog and I`m not finding your blog bland at all, although pictures would be nice, I agree...said the picture nut. Very frank and honest place here.
All the very best to you.

tea
xo

Sandy said...

Well just made my way over here and your blog looks really interesting. Enjoyed the post I just read...I will definitely be back to browse. Thank you so much for the link and visit...I will be doing the same.

It's always nice to see a new face.

sandy

Joyce said...

hello hello!
haha thanks for tagging on my blog.. and i dun even noe i had my own point of view. diddydum..i find your style of blogging really unique.. first time i came across such a way of blogging(: yay!

bye!(:

RUTH said...

Thanks for the plug Gleds. Neck of beef is ideal for stews...can't understand why the potatoes weren't cooked..if the meat was tender you must have cooked it for long enough....maybe you need to cut them into smaller chunks next time.
Rx

Nicole said...

Carbonized Vulgarity Burger! This made me laugh! I love this recipe and the way you write about the method. I would love to put together a "Junkie Cook Book" with you some day! Once I'm a bit more organised and have more time we'll have to think about it. If you have the time to write up the recipes that you've actually cooked and to photograph them, I'd put it into a layout ready for printing a book or booklet, or we can have a PDF version that can be downloaded. Or maybe you should do a cooking blog once you can get photos downloaded for upload to a blog.

The Gospel & Ping Pong said...

Thanks for stopping by the blog... I'll visit yours for a while later.

--Rob

Merle said...

Hi Gledwood ~~ Thanks for stopping by my blog from Ruth's Garden blog. I am glad you liked the post, I had worked out you meant catch the rabbit.
I like the title of your post - A blue and white day. I do hope your stew turned out well. Sydney is correct spelling. There are quite a few Aussies who blog - if you look on my blogroll the middle section is for
Aussies. I may see you again. Take care, Cheers, Merle.

Gledwood said...

Hi everyone! Thanks for your greetings!!

Angeldust: no I didn't JUST eat the meat but cooking it is quite a novelty for me so that's why I kind of focused on it...

Ruth: at the time I tasted the meat but the potatoes were still raw, I'd basically fried up the beef, everything was in a pot. Potatoes at the top had gone in last. The stew was heating up but hadn't even boiled yet. The prolonged, slow heat must have cooked the steak well enough to be quite palatable (but nowhere near as well done as it came out in the end!!) but potatoes were still raw as anything ...
A couple of hours later EVERYTHING was done perfectly!
I'd email y'all a bowl if only I could ...

NICOLE: that is a great idea. I've often thought of doing a cookery blog. But I agree with you you really do need a camera as unillustrated cooking ... well it just doesn't "cut" the "mustard", does it..?

MERLE: I'll have a look through some of your Aussie blogs. Thanks for the tip!

zennist said...

You sound like an excellent cook. Perhaps there's a profession for you. In America, though, it's pricey to go to a cooking school. It's the same in Europe, I'm sure.

Pictures are fine, but I'm a word person. So I think your blog is just fine. Have an excellent day, Gled!

IVY said...

heroin in the burger??

Gledwood said...

ZENNIST: I was actually thinking about that. I wouldn't want to be one of those posh restaurant chefs where you have the sous etc. But an oldfashioned "cook" - yeah: that I could be.

IVY: of course not!!

Gledwood said...

memo to self: tag quiz from skittles place

1. Where is your cell phone? Desk
2. Relationship? Married
3. Your hair? Messy
4. Work? Huh?
5. Your sister? Older
6. Your favorite thing? Jacuzzi
7. Your dream last night? Forgettable
8. Your favorite drink? Pepsi
9. Your dream car? Hummer
10. The room you’re in? Extra
11. Your shoes? Closet
12. Your fear? Heights
13. What do you want to be in 10 years? Alive
14. Who did you hang out with this weekend? Mike
15. What you’re not good at? Willpower
16. Muffin? Nope
17. One of your wish list items? House
18. Where you grew up? Florida
19. The last thing you did? Potty
20. What are you wearing? Nightgown
21. What aren’t you wearing? Robe
22. Your pet? Sasha
23. Your computer? On
24. Your life? Comfortable
25. Your mood? Good
26. Missing? Grandchildren
27. What are you thinking about right now? Coffee
28. Your car? Skittlesmobile
29. Your kitchen? Small
30. Your summer? Inside
31. Your favorite color? Red
32. When is the last time you laughed? Earlier
33. Last time you cried? Yesterday
34. School? Whew!
35. Love? Family

Gledwood said...

which is at:

http://skittles0366.blogspot.com/search?q=

Gledwood said...

and note this url:

http://bondsbigleathercouch.blogspot.com/

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood