HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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Gledwoods deutscher Blog

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Door Vulgarity/L-Dopa Please/Sidebar Anxiety/etc

ONLY LAST NIGHT WAS VINCENT (Nicole's boyf) congratulating me on my new front door lock. Only last night did I return to find said lock unresponsive to my keys. At first it wouldn't budge at all. I banged it (hard). Next it turned round and round without engaging any "levers". So I had to stand facing the street, wait till passing noseyparkers had walked on and bash it in with my backside. Once, twice, once again and - presto!- in I walked. Because it had been secured by rawplugs and not new screws ... well it wasn't "secured" at all ... (The reason it wasn't working when I got to it, btw, was that it had already been forced!) By the time I came down this afternoon said lock was hanging askew to its proper place like a percentage sign. Or Jack Duckworth's* glasses. (What am I saying? My own "reading" glasses, that I'm blind as a bat without, can look like a percentage sign on bad days. One day I'm scared they will bread in half - oops, break - from all the "repositioning" ...)

*Who is Jack Duckworth? Anyone in Britain or Canada should know Jack Duckworth. Long-suffering husband of vulgar Vera, who eventually, for a brief while (though I don't recall how) got to be landlord of their local boozing house The Rover's Return. Coronation Street. A soap set in Weatherfield, a fictitious suburb of Manchester that I never intend to watch but still, somehow, always have at least the vaguest idea of what's going on there ...

L-Dopa: isn't that what they used to cure "sleeping sickness" in that film Awakenings? Think I need that. After sleeping all night, I briefly awoke. Imbibed milkshake and chocolate biscuits (munchies) - took medication, which I always do - then slept all day till past four o'clock. What on earth is wrong with me? Some asymptomatic illness? What's that? What's that faint voice I hear calling me? Dizziness?- are you saying? O! Laziness?!

Get away with yer!

I'm well pleased with my huge new kitchen clock, if I do say so myself. I've always wanted a Big Ben-style landmark here, something to proclaim true understated good taste to the world. And now I have it. Though Vincent last night pointed out I do actually have a clock (if you've good enough eyes to spot it) in the very bottom right corner of the screen in the black sub-bar ...

Toccata and Debs both remarked on being too cautious to add much to their bars having seen html disasters. I had one of those at my old blog company. All I wanted was to install a meter to at least count visitors (I had literally no idea how many people were dropping through - had a feeling maybe 40 or more a day were calling but not commenting. But I really didn't know. (Thankfully I was cautious enough to open a "dummy blog" before transferring anything to it.) Just drop the html in the editor! I was advised by many people! So I did! And said blog turned from a lovely blue swimmingpool-like space to a white page with a hit meter at the top. It was so disabled that I could not even log in to remove said html. Now that is a disaster!

I was so cautious about adding "page elements" other than links that it took me four months to put anything I actually wanted here, so yous have my sympathy. And don't take my advice. I took advice before my disaster. It was all well informed and well meant. But I still interpreted in my own language and the result was blog-carnage!

On that note I'll wish you all good day as I have to go get a pencil before the shop shuts. See yer!!

***

Forgot to give this link before - go here for aol music - Avril Lavigne etc ... thanks Deb

***

Nicole: sorry the Gabbly got stuck while I was talking to you, said "please refresh your browser" ... I tried to go out of my blog, eventually was able to, got back and Gabbly was an empty hole reading "page not displayed" ...

34 comments:

Ilse said...

Hello Gledwood,

I've read youre dutch comment on my blog and it was very good! Ofcourse i am reading youre blog also, but i find it a bit diffycult to understand, because it is real english. So even i learn something from youre blog.

I must spend some of my time reading youre posts from the past, i find it nice to read how open you are about youre life. Maby i can learn something from what you wright here.

Well, have a very nice evening:-)

Gledwood said...

Thanks Ilse. U blog is wel nederlands.

grumpygit said...

Hey Gleds! Went on holiday with Vera once. Well, not exactly, but she was on the same cruise ship as us for a fortnight. Funny bumping into her all the time everywhere. Poor thing never had a moment's peace, people queuing up for autographs while she's eating dinner and stuff. Mind you, I don't suppose she paid for her holiday, so...
Anyway, sorry I missed your webchat - unexpected "holiday" (not a cruise), see my latest post.

Catchya later

Grumps

RUTH said...

Hi Gleds Def sent the email; have sent it again....

Gledwood said...

ta - i'm checking now

CG said...

Your clock sounds great!

Nicole said...

Does this mean your front door is without lock all over again?

RUTH said...

Ok Gleds, got your email and have replied. If it doesn't get to you can only think that your email won't accept it cos of all the coding in it.
Rx

Gledwood said...

yeah - no lock Nicole. sorry I left a message at the bottom of todays post about gabbly don't know why it went down ...

Gledwood said...

The clock I was talking about it just under Babelfish on my right sidebar CG ... there's another one at the bottom that I don't like as much but was getting obsessional to put another one somewhere!!

Gledwood said...

I'm just checking it again Ruth!!

IVY said...

Id love to see what you'd post if you thought nobody could find you. You know things are actually a notch down from when I used to post using my OWN godamn- real last name? People would google me and read it, and I though this a good thing! The journal didn't include open references to methadone but, for example, an italic 3 paragraph piece about how terrible withdrawal was there. The other day my friend cut-right said to my annoyance, "the three most over-exposed people are, in my world, in this order, Britney Spears, George Bush, and Noelle... (me)." While I think of myself as isolated since I haven't been hanging out with my usual friends or taking their calls as much!!

I tend to like writing when people write about stuff that's harder, when even they cringe at the stuff at the page (at first.)

IVY said...

and i dont consider britney over exposed.. I like her. oh well..

IVY said...

If Roomate did read it.. what's the worst that could happen that hasn't already? Plus I dont think he is brave enough to look for it and read it because in truth he doesn't want to know how I really view him.

Toccata said...

Ok, reading your computer scare story is making me think I will be living in plain old common template land forever! But, your idea for trying something new on a dummy blog is a good one. I see all these cool things on other sites and I want them on mine too.

la peche said...

Hello Gled. Thank you for your comment for my pictures. And it was pitty that you couldn't understand japanese letters.. But I can explain some day if you want by email and so on. It's nice to find you. :)

gledwood said...

Ivy you are well brave!

Toccs: "plain old common template land" ... I'd love to know how to change a common fullwidth sidebar into one with halfwidth elements eg so I could have two clocks side by side or two little icons besides one another ... but nobody knnnnnnnnnnows how to do that of course, do they ... ??? ???????????????

if anyone DOES = please tell me here now i'd be SO grateful!!

gledwood said...

Ivy - HE wouldn't be brave enough to tell you :: more like :: surely ??

pink ginger 珂琳 said...

you sound like a handy and homely man, must be adorable.
changing lock, big clock in the kitchen... good stuff huh!
enjoy your weekend.

Gledwood said...

No Ginger - I used to have a clock like that in the kitchen but ... look down my right sidebar - I installed it in my blog! Telling London time so when I mention it people can tell how far ahead/behind I actually am!

Jeanette said...

Gday Gledwood
thanks for stopping by and commenting Ilike to blog hop to I havent seen the film you refer to but I do like will smith movies

Gledwood said...

6 Degrees of Separation?
It's more thoughtful than his normal stuff & was made before he got really famous. It's based on a stage play - well worth going to see ...

barman said...

OK, I popped in from work to take a peak but then work went insane so I will eb back later. Thanks for visiting me ...

Paterfamilias said...

I saw your note. I'll try again another time, maybe this weekend.

Gledwood said...

Barman - I talked about my hopping on today's post.

Paterfamilias - yeah see you at the weekend let's hope!!

la peche said...

Hi. Actually translate machine doesn't work well for japanese. Because the arrangement of words are totally different to construct phrases from english to japanese. And also we have lots of exceptions to build a phrase. But it's alright, I like that you would have liked to tell me something at least. :)

Gledwood said...

La Peche - I know what you mean. Instead of saying you're going to Tokyo you say
"as for me Tokyo-to go" ...
type of thing.
As I recall.
Am I right?
!!
?

Gledwood said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Gledwood said...

http://ordinarytomas.blogspot.com

Gledwood said...

http://www.stephenshapiro.com/

author "Goal free living"

Gledwood said...

http://andastheworldturns.blogspot.com

Gledwood said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood