HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Good Sleep/Bank Hols/Reminiscence ...

YES: I SLEPT ALL NIGHT last night..! And the night before. My days are for wakefulness now. Which is ironic, seeing as we're rapidly approaching the May Bank Holiday -- meaning national blankness is enforced. (Or days in the country. Or at the seaside. Etc. If you're posh and have the means to do things like days out. I suppose.)

Bank Holidays have bad associations with me. Never having had a "contract job" despite dearly desiring one and applying left, right and centre, I was always a casual worker. This meant being laid off without pay at Christmas time and Easter. And being forced to take each Bank Holiday off with no pay. So the next week my paypacket was always 20% short. All for a day off I never wanted to take.

Bank Holidays? Pah!

***
My childhood's written up and 25% saved -- STOP PRESS: 40% saved --in draft form. It feels like an old college essay, one of those that I'd apply for extensions atop extensions until it simply had to go in as term were ending and the department shutting down ... It's all scrawled up and dusted, awaiting merely my 80wpm 80% inaccurate touch-typing. (Or 12 wpm and 95% accurate.) 95% is the best, I think, I shall ever do ...

Just don't expect too much from me. No drama. Just lots of crisis. And no fancy phrases. Just me droning on with longer-winded monotony than ever before in history!

***

How come on American television, characters carry their grocery shopping in huge brown paper sacks without handles? Aren't they extremely awkward to heave home, especially if you're (very unAmericanly, I admit) sans car? Don't your supermarkets provide ordinary carrier bags? You know, the plastic bags you can carry one-handedly?

Just curious ...

***

Desperate Housewives is on -- and probably months behind the episodes you're getting in the mother country. Lynette's bad back ridden husband is skulking in bed refusing to allow the new chef's family pasta dishes onto the menu, even though they've been trebling the restaurant's takings every night they grace the specials board ...

Pride. What's pride worth when it's losing you money?

Men across the world might like to answer that question for themselves.

***

Channel 4, incidentally, are doing video on demand over Virgin Cable and the internet. The service is called 4od. So if you want Ugly Betty, Desperate Housewives, Hollyoaks or the Hoobs at 3am, 4od should service you. ITV have set up a similar service that'll get you Coronation Street. Take note, ye Weatherfield-addicted Canadians -- you might be able to get episodes ahead of time this way!!

***

Go here for entertaining army recruitment films.

Great photos (from somewhere foreign ...)

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7 comments:

S said...

Hi Gledwood! You seem like you are doing well, and working on your book? Awesome! Had to laugh about the paperbag thing. I think that's mostly for the telly, at least where I shop they give out paper with handles, although thinking on it more, I think they give out more plastic than anything else. Ridiculous amounts of plastic bags really. Sometimes they will put just about 2 items in each bag and you end up with 300 bags by the time all is said and done. Which is a good reminder for me to use the cloth re-usable bags I have. (wow this comment from me is getting crazy long-winded and pointless isn't it? sorry!)

Anonymous said...

Same here! I remember clearing up one time... by the time I had finished I had literally a small closet full of plastic bags...

And yet even though I approached the shops armed with plastic from then on the dizzy assistants STILL gave me even MORE new bags

Edyta said...

weeeeee!
nice to know you slept well. i had a shitty night yesterday, as i have my exams, sleeping is tough!
yup, we did it with a digital camera :D & the simpliest MS Movie Maker Eva! It was kinda fun, ya know?

Hope to be a frequent guest on yer blog soon :) Have 4 more exams to go! Wish me luck :D

Gledwood said...

Exams??! Yeeeurrkkggh!!!!

I am terrible at exams!

Bet you aren't though.

All the very best with 'em.

You know you can do it!!

Empress Bee (of the high sea) said...

wow great photos was an understatement! thanks for the link!

smiles, bee

Gledwood said...

I'm glad you liked it. It's just a shame whoever is posting them up doesn't let us put comments. I hate not being able to have my say ... well really pass welldeserved compliments ...

Anonymous said...

Yes, we do get to have plastic bags, too. It's a choice, usually.

Not have cars? Are you kidding? I live in Texas. Good luck getting anywhere without a car. Long distances between things. I'm not defending it as a way of life. Just saying.

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood