HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, May 04, 2007

Jeanette

LET ME EXPLAIN: I very coincidentally received an email yesterday, just after I had posted my childhood "autobiography," containing a link to the soppy Spanish song Soy Rebelde. I know this very well as my Dad brought it back from honeymoon in Spain in the early 80s. We had two Jeanette tapes. One, a compilation of older stuff was called something like Tor Mejor de Jeanette, the second was the recently released (at the time) Corazon de Poeta (also the title of a single).

Jeanette was born in London in 1951 of a Spanish mother and Belgian father. Soy Rebelde (1970) was her first solo hit. Her biggest success was Porque te vas (note the cameraman's sparkly showbiz braces in this clip!) Which became an international hit after featuring in the Cannes award-winning film Cria Cuervos (cry of the crows).

If you ARE interested you can read Jeanette's biography here:
- Jeanette: Spain's best kept secret (biog)
- Jeanette's Wikipedia write-up

Here's 3 Porque te vas links. If you want more - you know where to look anyhow.

- Porque to vas from with Chinese subtitles ... (excerpted from Cria Cuervos) ...

- Can you kiss the music? Tu peux baisser la musique? French trailer for above

- & lastly same tune performed beneath the Eiffel Tower (sorry but I love this song. Did you know it got to #1 in Germany? OK so did David Hasselhoff but she's a bit more alluring than him, don't you agree..??)

I include all this because the sounds of Jeanette's soft singing were often drifting through our home in childhood days. (Jeanette was once dubbed "the eternal sixteen year old" and if you hear her, you'll hear why!!)

Sorry if anyone is traumatized by this. OK it's easy listening but I've heard FAR worse!!!

***

9 comments:

Saint said...

It's Friday. Have you received your Illiniboard password yet?

http://forums.illiniboard.com/boards/?deuce

C'mon, one little post over there. We need someone new to spice up our Friday.

And Hasselhoff >>>> Jeanette.

Wayward Son said...

Okay. I just spent the last forty five minutes listening to every version on of U tube of Porque te Vas. I especially like how she learned to move on stage at the Eiffel Tower.

The song is forever embedded in my psyche. I hope your happy now!

WS

*Molks* said...

those are really old songs...

my mum made me listen to them while i was a kid and now I'm traumatised...


hope you have fun listening to them
Best Wishes
Molks xxx

Gledwood said...

Saint I tried to join. Got back a very curt bordering on rude message telling me "your application is declined" - and that's that. No explanation. No word of "we regret to inform you that due to the high number of applications" ... how do they know I have nothing whatsover to do with Illinois? I didn't give this url and if they did somehow find out I lived in London what's to say I'm not an Illinoisian expat??

saint said...

something about you not using your real name when you requested a password

http://forums.illiniboard.com/boards/showpost.php?b=deuce;pid=253325;d=this

Gledwood said...

oh, ok. will try again then ...

Mark G. Michaelsen said...

Thank you for your comment. If it doesn't matter who gets elected PUSA, then I guess it doesn't mater a whit that the Scottish National Party won a majority in their Parliament and needs to form a government or it doesn't matter who wins in France. It does, of course.

During the course of all state, local and national elections, I believe I have knowngly voted for four Democrats since 1976. I've known Tommy Thompson, who was Governor here for 10 years, for more than 20. I support McCain.

My latest post is about my older son, who is in the US Navy.

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood