HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

Blue Skies!


IT'S A GORGEOUS DAY TODAY AND I'VE BEEN CLEANING MY HOUSE! At long long last. And doing things and addressing things that have gone too long unadressed and undone because I was wallowing in an apathy of ordures, as the French charmingly call their shyte.

Yesterday I had the final consultation in my mental health "probe" (to use Sunday newspaper language). As I told the Operative, I finally wish to address my "issues" in a grown-up way that was not possible previously when I was too para to throw my problems on the table without feeling outmanoevred ~ even checkmated ~ before I even started...

I have two appointments, possibly with two doctors though one's the Shrink. I told the Operative of many of my tangled jangling past of unusual experience. Now the Operative's going to give the Shrink a summary before I go in. So for once I might get a proper assessment instead of a doctor barking up the wrong tree and me too eager to flee out the room to bother putting him right. I always felt whatever I said, whatever I did, circumstances would conspire against me and thwart my efforts at tidying my mess up or building any future. This was another fuel to my Great Apathy.

My Worker was all aglow with praise at my transformation but there's still such a lot of transforming left to do. Today I've to get on with cleaning my house. It's gone scuzzier than I realized, when I suddenly see it through "normal people's" eyes. Then I have to clean up my SELF. And then build a future. Not much to do then.


Q U E E N R E P R I M A N D S P R I M E M I N I S T E R
S i l v i o B e r l u s c o n i y e l l s a t B a r r a c k O b a m a
d u r i n g B u c k i n g h a m P a l a c e p h o t o s h o o t : ~
f a b u l o u s l y f a m o u s e n t e r t a i n i n g f o o t a g e
o f t h e v u l g a r I t a l i a n P M b e i n g p u t i n h i s p l a c e . . .

21 comments:

kelly Al-Saleh said...

aye, good luck with all of that!
swings n roundabouts, ups and downs

;->

xk

Queenneenee said...

you sound good today Gleds, this makes the Queen a happy girl

Gledwood said...

KELLY: aye!

QUEENEE: good. btw did you see your Namesake reprimanding Italian PM Berlusconi for shouting at Obama during a Buckingham Palace photo shoot..?

Liz said...

That is great news, gleds! Hang in there!

Gledwood said...

diolch yn fawr!
ps shw mae George? ody e'n bydd yn naughty heddu?

Syd said...

Sometimes if I get things in order around me, I start to feel more in order too. That may just be the controlling me feeling better. But I know that when I get busy with something I do get better. Hang in there.

Gledwood said...

i have intellectual writing to do, too...

Aunt Reeny's After Thoughts said...

Sounds like you are on a good path! I like these optomistic posts of yours. I agree with Syd's comment, sometimes having things around you in order can help launch your mood in the right direction. Keep trying, don't give up :) Getting some sunshine on your face always helps too!

Baino said...

Gleds they say that decluttering your environment helps declutter the mind! Sounds like you have a plan and great to see you having a little faith in your psych before you meet them. Great step in the right direction! Gotta love that Lizzie!

M- Filer said...

I am dying to know whaat you look like! Just to place a face to the scrawl if ya know what I mean. Reading about you cutting your long locks got me to thinking of it. If you won't or can't post a photo or etching, about a written description?

Nicole said...

Well done Gled... no matter what the outcome, your journey will always be amazing.

Rita said...

Best of luck with your spring cleaning :)

Akelamalu said...

Sounds like you're ready for a big spring clean all round! Good luck with it all m'dear, I'll be seding you positive thoughts. :)

WAT said...

I gotta go back to therapy myself, but I want a new one. The one I had before was fine and all, but she was always too smiley and I don't think I ever connected with her.

That G20 event made big headlines! BIG! GOD SAVE OBA...

I MEAN, GOD SAVE THE QUEEN!

Gledwood said...

Eileen/Reeny: aye! That's what I was thinkin' of trying to do. Get sunlight in my brains. You'd not believe how dark my hair has gone from light-deprivation. I wonder if it does anything likewise to the brainbox..??

Baino:
psychiatrists? I used to think they had a toxic bite and sucked your brains out through integral suckerfangs... yeah I'm still tidying today, most uncharacteristically...

MFiler: I really don't know how to post a foto and I'm dreadful at verbal D-scription...

Nicole: j'en espere!!

Gledwood said...

Rita: grazie!!

Akelamalu: merci beaucoup!!

Wat: I don't know how they can live with the shame (apart from the Arab Prince... vulgar elected officials hobnobbing with lifelong royalty with a far superior house to any of theirs...

therapy: best one I ever had was ultra intelligent, ultra neat and tidy (handwriting like a textbook) highly intelligent, detached and schoolmarmish. And I got under her skin like nothing else!! But I loved her and I think we worked better together than anything else I'm gonna find "psychotherapeutically"...

Gledwood said...

Rita: I meant to say kiitos!

M- Filer said...

well you need a digital camera. Then you transfer the image from camera to computer. Then you upload from computer to blog post. I know it's a lot to dealwith if you have never done it. And if you don't have a digital...well forgetaboutit.

But I KNOW you are a good writer. Hogwash about not being a good verbal descriptor. Hogwash!

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Glad you're feeling positive, Gleds. Love the video! Who the hell is Brown's barber?!

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood