HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

LIVE FROM LONDON

Gledwoods deutscher Blog

Bitte hier klicken ...

DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, April 17, 2009

MC Carrot Nose

I AM BEING SUED BY THE COUNCIL TAX! A notice to appear (not a summons as they proclaim in blazing red writing that I need not attend (probably don't want me too ~ speeds up proceedings). I can't believe this is happening as I've only been there 4 months, have STILL yet to receive an Accommodation Charges Payment Card or any payment slips and yet they're taking me to court over a silly council tax bill I should get near-95% rebate on. The money they're demanding is about £395 ~ but if the figures are right from the last place, I should owe about £40 tops.

I went straight down the Council where the lady told me I am STILL NOT ON THE COMPUTER. No payment card will be forthcoming. The computer has me still resident at my last address. This despite my having written to head of section detailing my move and written again to Income Recovery politely demanding said payments card. "So how did I get this council tax bill at my new place if the computer thinks I'm still resident at the old one?" and the Countermeister said "because your landlord informed us you were living there" (at the new address). DUUURH!! I kept quiet but shall thoroughly enjoy detailing this farcicality in my official letter of complaint.

Anyway, the nice lady did get my court date cancelled (by a "note" on the system). Handed me a Housing and Council Tax Benefit application form (which I thought I hadn't needed to fill in: nobody told me so before. In fact when I asked the Head of Section whether or what else I needed do (because my name wasn't on the system at my new address ~ therefore officially I didn't exist, yet of course I do (though I sometimes wish otherwise) because the landlord and council were refusing to communicate with each other; the landlord refused to give me proof of tenancy. I can't remember their excuse but I just wanted to flee from their offices and so took it and did.

I am STILL officially nonexistent. "But I've been signing a register" (for emergency accommodation dwellers) and am on the landlord's and your computer system!" I countered.

Except apparently I'm not. I am used to living in a surreal paisley-patterned world peopled with hamsters talking in turnip accents, and so did not dare disagree. I have run out of (decent) food by the way and have obscene cravings for more diced beef piri piri dumplingated casserole ...

Nice Lady spent ages tapping in "notes" to the system. And now I have a Housing and Council Tax Benefit Application form I ought, apparently, to have filled in MONTHS AGO (I'm not happy about that). And I need proof of residency from the landlord (that'll be fun, trying to get that) and proof of benefits from the DSS or Jobcentre Plus as they're (perhaps) now called. Oh no, the DWP (Department of Work and Pensions ~ what am I saying...?) As I sheepishly admitted to Nice Lady this might take some weeks to sort out as I do believe I omitted to inform the Benefits Agency (their 3rd name) of my move. "I wasn't feeling very well," I claimed.

Well I wasn't. O I hate all this. And how come loads of others who aren't even in the same dreadful pickle as me get SOCIAL WORKERS to help them out? Why do I not qualify? I want a bloody social worker to do all my forms for me. What do I not pay my Council Tax for~??!?

***

And now on to matters smoother: I am determined to become an MC Hammer (oo: no, I mean Pee Pee Daddy/whatever his current monicka)-style hiphop Impressario. I will specialize in ripoff perfumes and unimaginative streetwear. I shall put my hamsters as Lil Kim/Queen Latifah/Missy Elliot-style rappers. I've already got names and stage personas sorted. Spherical shall be MC Carrot Nose; Bashful's new name is MC Little Trotter Donkey ~ isn't that cool?? In fact I think that's a name so wonderful I might use it myself when my 70th birthday approaches and Grandad and the Smurfs record release time comes due. I shall instead be MC LITTLE TROTTER DONKEY and rap in a posh voice about the horrors of ready to wear clothing, flying commercial (ugh!) and having to mix with the rifraff of the world and other people like me. I don't know. I need my theme, man. Gotta stream da theme; know what I mean..?... I did some work on a hamster gangsta rap earlier it goes something like this:

Don't gimme no jip cause I'm nibblin' seed
I ain't shottin' crack now 'cause I'm shottin' weed
Oregano man. You put it in your curry.
Trot to the toilet and hurry-hurry-hurry...


OK it needs some work, but imagine how entertaining MC Carrot Nose and MC Little Trotter Donkey shall look in their first video. I want it done in the style of Lady Ga-Ga's Poker Face ....

And now PIRI-PIRI: I must go! I've a manic casserole-craving...

BTW talking of maniacality ~ thanks for the comments re yesterday. Though I DID notice my experience of withdrawal seemed to be different, I'd always told myself "well everyone feels horrible in detox" and so didn't worry about it. Also severe insomnia and some degree of agitation and depression, anxiety etc are ordinary features of opiate withdrawal ~ and so I assumed mine were normal. It's only when I compare the intensity of physical to mental withdrawal experience that I realize my symptoms were 95% "psychiatric". + agitation, depression, etc are a matter of degree. Mine were very extreme.

From what I found out on the subject there's no question I'm on a "bipolar spectrum" (so are loads of people). I would have said I was cyclothymic in temperament (that is: subclinical bipolar) or mild bipolar. To cut a blabbersome story short, this IS important because it impinges on any psych meds I might take. I cannot tolerate a lot of antidepressants because they make me agitated and/or "high". Last time on mirtazapine I was hyper enough not to bother going to bed for the best part of a week. Then I came crashing down into depression worse than ever before! I was having random hallucinations (faces in the grain of the wooden fire door; dead body in the bathroom mirror) ~ I was convinced these were down to alcoholic DTs and didn't recognize I was "depressed" till afterwards. I believed I was "hitting rock bottom as I was spiritually bankrupt". That mirtazapine (Remerol/Zispin) disagreed with me so intensely that by the end (5 weeks to 2 months into taking it) I was so physically ill I just had to stop taking it. Then amazingly I felt better. It was my old Drugs Worker who pointed all this out. "Stop taking the pills!"

Anyway cheerio I must dash. PS: any ideas for the first Carrot Nose and Little Trotter Donkey music video?

TALKING OF "WRAPPERS" ~ HERE'S that Eminem one you might have heard of, y'know the one featuring Amy Winehouse, Sarah Palin et al...

10 comments:

sally in norfolk said...

Forms..Forms..Forms... dont you just hate them .. and people that work in the council offices too :-(

Akelamalu said...

The department of Work and Pensions don't know their arse from their elbow! Don't get me started!

Syd said...

Those little ones are too cute. The name Carrot Nose makes me smile. I don't know enough rap songs to even make a comment. But I'm sure that others can come up with something entertaining for their first video. I'll watch for sure.

Baino said...

wow that's a lot to take in today Gleds. I spend my life filling in forms for clients for a self perpetuating public service. I swear they do it to retain their jobs! Fo shizzle nizzle!

opop said...

情色電影, aio交友愛情館, 言情小說, 愛情小說, 色情A片, 情色論壇, 色情影片, 視訊聊天室, 免費視訊聊天, 免費視訊, 視訊美女, 視訊交友, ut聊天室, 視訊聊天, 免費視訊聊天室, a片下載, av片, A漫, av dvd, av成人網, 聊天室, 成人論壇, 本土自拍, 自拍, A片, 愛情公寓, 情色, 舊情人, 情色貼圖, 情色文學, 情色交友, 色情聊天室, 色情小說, 一葉情貼圖片區, 情色小說, 色情, 色情遊戲, 情色視訊, 情色電影, aio交友愛情館, 色情a片, 一夜情, 辣妹視訊, 視訊聊天室, 免費視訊聊天, 免費視訊, 視訊, 視訊美女, 美女視訊, 視訊交友, 視訊聊天, 免費視訊聊天室, 情人視訊網, 影音視訊聊天室, 視訊交友90739, 成人影片, 成人交友,

免費A片, 本土自拍, AV女優, 美女視訊, 情色交友, 免費AV, 色情網站, 辣妹視訊, 美女交友, 色情影片, 成人影片, 成人網站, A片,H漫, 18成人, 成人圖片, 成人漫畫, 情色網, 日本A片, 免費A片下載, 性愛, 成人交友, 嘟嘟成人網, 成人電影, 成人, 成人貼圖, 成人小說, 成人文章, 成人圖片區, 免費成人影片, 成人遊戲, 微風成人, 愛情公寓, 情色, 情色貼圖, 情色文學, 做愛, 色情聊天室, 色情小說, 一葉情貼圖片區, 情色小說, 色情, 寄情築園小遊戲, 色情遊戲, 情色視訊,

fgeegf said...

做愛的漫畫圖片, 情色電影分享區, 做愛ㄉ影片, 丁字褲美女寫真, 色美眉, 自拍俱樂部首頁, 日本偷自拍圖片, 色情做愛影片, 情色貼圖區, 八國聯軍情色網, 免費線上a片, 淫蕩女孩自拍, 美國a片, 都都成人站, 色情自拍, 本土自拍照片, 熊貓貼圖區, 色情影片, 5278影片網, 脫星寫真圖片, 粉喵聊天室, 金瓶梅18, sex888影片分享區, 1007視訊, 雙贏論壇, 爆爆爽a片免費看, 天堂私服論壇, 情色電影下載, 成人短片, 麗的線上情色小遊戲, 情色動畫免費下載, 日本女優, 小說論壇, 777成人區, showlive影音聊天網, 聊天室尋夢園, 義大利女星寫真集, 韓國a片, 熟女人妻援交, 0204成人, 性感內衣模特兒, 影片, 情色卡通, 85cc免費影城85cc, 本土自拍照片, 成人漫畫區, 18禁, 情人節阿性,

aaaa片, 免費聊天, 咆哮小老鼠影片分享區, 金瓶梅影片, av女優王國, 78論壇, 女同聊天室, 熟女貼圖, 1069壞朋友論壇gay, 淫蕩少女總部, 日本情色派, 平水相逢, 黑澀會美眉無名, 網路小說免費看, 999東洋成人, 免費視訊聊天, 情色電影分享區, 9k躺伯虎聊天室, 傑克論壇, 日本女星杉本彩寫真, 自拍電影免費下載, a片論壇, 情色短片試看, 素人自拍寫真, 免費成人影音, 彩虹自拍, 小魔女貼影片, 自拍裸體寫真, 禿頭俱樂部, 環球av影音城, 學生色情聊天室, 視訊美女, 辣妹情色圖, 性感卡通美女圖片, 影音, 情色照片 做愛, hilive tv , 忘年之交聊天室, 制服美女, 性感辣妹, ut 女同聊天室, 淫蕩自拍, 處女貼圖貼片區, 聊天ukiss tw, 亞亞成人館, 777成人, 秋瓷炫裸體寫真, 淫蕩天使貼圖, 十八禁成人影音, 禁地論壇, 洪爺淫蕩自拍, 秘書自拍圖片,

kelly Al-Saleh said...

Councils are useless esp with Council Tax. They sent me a bailiff letter claiming I'd missed a payment. It was because I made it online which apparently is handled by a different company. I wonder how many suicides they're responsible for?

Well done for staying off the b. I'm back on my subs script (no £). The bit I struggle with the most is probably psychological. I just feel down and so lethargic. It's also hard to break the routine of getting b... waiting for that special knock on the door etc. Sometimes, especially at weekends - and this makes me sound so pathetic - I think I see dealers cos I'm lonely.

100mg! I was put on 30ml when I first came off (via my GP). But then I never used needles and had only been addicted for 2 months. I feel like such a wuss complaining about my struggles with this.

There's much much more design stuff I want to send you btw but problem is I don't spend much time online cos my home computer is in the office (my stepdad didn't have a mac or the software I needed to work for him). So it's really working hours, lunch break, after work and in this case weekends (I come in to apply for design jobs and you're right, the market is bad. Design is seen as a luxury during recessions. Everyone cuts down their print or branding budgets).

Anyway, that's why I wanted to talk to you via email. Then I could send you attachments to look at as well. I also wanted to send you my contact details (as I'm London-based). Don't worry, I'm not a freak and not trying to get into your trousers or your pockets. I wanted to give you the option of meeting face-to-face to borrow books etc (also got a great DVD about the font Helvetica). I really want to encourage you in your career endeavours. As well as being an addict, I also suffer from clinical depression (taking 40mg Prozac at mo and on waiting list for therapy).

It's just in my nature to help. I'm non-judgemental and don't believe in telling people what they should do. Far better to encourage them to talk through until they reach the conclusion themselves.

Better go now and get this application in. It's for a Senior design for Penguin books. Dream on. I very much doubt I'll get it. Probably didn't go to the right university or am the offspring of the wrong parent (lots of nepotism in this business!).

take care, i do worry about how much you're suffering with this (esp the depression). i hope you can get to the point you feel you're on the right track soon. it feels as though you've been bandied about like a ping pong ball not reaching any sense of closure.

xxKelly

kelly Al-Saleh said...

oh! forgot to say... totally diff subject... bought some Tescos Finest BEEF sausages. Went to cook them for lunch today, really looking forward to them. When I turned the packet over it said 'in natural pork casing'!!!

I can't tell you how livid I was. Aren't there enough varieties of pork sausage??? I was brought up as a muslim but I'm not really practising apart from not eating pork or blood. I was really looking forward to them. The thing was the ordinary beef sausage (not Finest) don't have pork products (I've checked) so presumed this would be the same. They also put the bit about the pork casing at the back of the packaging (alongside the title). Not the front.

grrrr! Had to have Welsh Rarebit instead (with bit of paprika). Was yummy but not what I planned.

Janice said...

Hi Gled,

Can't you claim that your an artist? From what I understand in the UK you don't have to pay taxes if your an artist.

Good luck on the drug treatment, it sounds like your improving.

Janice~

Lesley said...

Gled, if you ever need help with anything like this again, make an appointment with the Citizens Advice Bureau. I used to do voluntary work for them and know from experience how good they are. They will help you take control of things and help you with forms, make 'phone calls on your behalf, etc. They can advise on all sorts of issues from health ones to financial ones, and just having someone for support takes a great burden off your shoulders. Personally, I think they're better than social workers. ;)

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood