HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, April 20, 2009

Hamsta Rap!!

THIS MORNING I DECIDED TO HAVE A POKE THROUGH my personal hip hop stars' home with a view to filming a piece for MTV's Cribs show, so sneaking up to their tank, I stealthily removed the wire excercise wheel from atop their bedroom and then picked up the long and narrow Cadbury's Chocolate Fingers box in which they sleep. And behold! Because they'd chewed out the floor, straight off came the entire roof!! And there stood MC Carrot Nose and MC Trotter Donkey looking surprised! MC Carrot Nose simply glared at me balefully as if to say "what do YOU want? Coming in here? Raising our roof off. Prattling away in that stupid squeaky voice that sounds nothing at all like a Mongolian miniaturized hamster's... Then MC Little Trotter Donkey bit me and ran off and the spell was broken. That whizzy Nokia camera phone I found has broken anyhow so I don't know how I'd get them on MTV Cribs..? I was thinking next time round they'd go well between MC Hammer's bankruptcy house and Missy Eliot's vulgarity-fest (replete with bedroom-parked red Ferrari, converted to double bed...

What a gorgeous day today is! Blue skies... golden sunshine... An excellent backing for my new run at life. Finally I have resolved to tackle my background and my mess in an adult, grown-up-some kinda way. Wish me lots of luck for I'll need it. But while we're waiting for that, here's some musical entertainment:~~~

ANYONE HEARD OF the UK's hottest new talent show find, the "frumpy" meister-chanteuse Susan Boyle? "Discovered" on Britain's Got Talent, 40 million ++ hits later ... WHY OH WHY OH WHY do these eejuts who place youtube recordings specify "embedding disabled by request"? Here's one we CAN see:

LIZA MINNELLI. "LOSING MY MIND" I like her voice (better than her Mum's), and apart from her celebratory performance opposite Dudley Moore in Arthur II: On the Rocks this is the only piece of Ms Minnelli's work I actually know...

Here's the official promo video for this Pet Shop Boys-produced track:

PS: Illustration ~ my Hamsta Wrapper ~ MC Carrot-Nose...


Akelamalu said...

I for one wish you all the luck in the world for your new start Gleds. I'll be keeping my fingers crossed for you m'dear. x

Jeannie said...

I think it's wonderful for Susan Boyle! Miss Frump will likely get a total makeover and good on her! I just hope she doesn't get abused by some conscienceless agent or manager or whatever.

Naomi C. said...

I saw that Missy-E ep donkeys years ago. That bed was pure "i got so much money what the f$%ck do i spend it on?". She had quite a fleet of cars so pffft, lets convert one into a bed. didn't the boot coem up to reveal a sound system? cant remember. I watch Cribs well, used to. Now I just dispair when I do as I compare the rediculous wealth and luxury surroundings to my sweet nothing!

The weather is sure good here! I feel so much better in the sunshine, feel positive, feel motivated... but unfortunately EVERYBODY comes flocking out in this sun so i'm seeing everybody i don't want to! Susan Boyle... tear to my eye, it bought, I said a tear to my eye. Reading in the paper this morning a columnist wrote she is only well-loved because she is so plain and dowdy- if she had been gorgeous, no one would like her half as much.

Gledwood said...

Akelamalu: thank you!

Jeannie/Naomi: so do I. Though I saw her makeover pixx on the cover of today's Star (that I also seemed to have glimpsed yesterday on Youtube) ~ she looked amazing

Big George was on BBC London radio last night saying she wasn't all that, I disagree: her voice is pretty amazing, reminiscent of Caren Carpenter's. I hope they don't spoil her; Leona Lewis was sweet and insecure at the start; now she seems sweet and confident so I assume it has as much to do with personality as managerial shaping

& PS Naomi I'm glad someone else remembers that dreadful sportscar bed. If I had millions I'd buy a whopping stately home and spend afternoons rollerskating the corridors...

Michelle said...

Missy Elliot thinks she looks like Halle Berry, and that's scary.

You know I read this blog a lot, but as a "yank" I can't understand a lot of the terminology. Makes it more interesting to me though...


lettuce said...

best luck and wishes gled

new run at life sounds so good

Gledwood said...

Michelle: what can't you understand?? I try to use "international" English, but obviously I'm fallin' down (like London Bridge...)

Lettuce: cheers: I'm tryin'...

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Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood