HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, April 24, 2009

Dumplings!

I AM CAUGHT BETWEEN DUMPLINGS AND UNREALITY. Well that and chili con carne with pharts ... In answer to your questions: Bashful Trotter Donkey bites me with expressions of gleeful intent. My fault for giving them a taste for roast chicken bones as babies. Now my fingers make excellent robo-chew-bones for the trotters ...

Re psychiatrists and the "they don't care whether you're raving mad" quotation from Maple Syrup, my never-listen Drug Worker, that appointment's separate from the "let's point and probe and dig around to isolate your legion insanities" appointment the Operative threatens daily to have made...

This is about all I have to say for tonight. Presently I'm perfecting chili con carne dumplings and must reveal these need a good two inches clear of bubbling water in order to form properly, breadily ~ and not as mere glutinous balls of glob. OK then!! Back tomorrow, Folks!!

7 comments:

Syd said...

I made the piri piri last night. It was a hit. A bit too spicy for my wife, so I may tone that down a bit next time.

I want to make the dumplings, but I'm not sure what we call vegetable suet over here. Did you post the dumpling recipe?

Wow, my comments are focused on your cooking!

Jeannie said...

I'll bet incorporating some corn meal in the dumpling batter for chili dumplings would be awesome.

Jeannie said...

vegetable suet = shortening aka Crisco

Akelamalu said...

I've got the urge to make dumplings now!

Aunt Reeny's After Thoughts said...

Mmmmmmm dumplings. Mr. Marmite makes good stuffed dumplings. You're makin me hungry.

Naomi C. said...

"So I was thurping and trumpeting away all night"
ha. i read that from the previous post while looked at the accompanying picture. i imagined it coming out of the mouth of the happy-housewife to the right and oh how i did chuckle. just like when i read the prediction of where the kidney beans came from... haha, your wit, i love it.

anyway, as for being able to trump away all night, isn't that the best thing about living alone. you just dont have to worry about anyone else. i know, in all the years my parents were married (over 20) my dad never once farted infront of my mum. how crazy is that, she done it all the time and he would tut and tell her how rude she was. that was my manic depressive (not that that has anything to do with it!) uber vain uber good looking father, who once gave me a £5 note not to tell my mum i had heard him fart while on a riverside jog together. haha. anyway, my mum always cooked my dad stew & dumplings however i have never had dumplings. not they just remind me of my dad, last august my friend robbie died, he was in his early 40s and was scottish who moved down to corby as a teen. he had been a heroin addict since his teens and he used to eat the readymeal "beef stew & dumplins" all the time. i never saw him eat anything else. a blood clot to the brain killed him in the end (annuresym?).

i live alone but with my nan at the moment as i cant live at my flat (highrise block of flats, full of other junkies and theifs and not-so-good-folk) so i am getting a good education in traditionally british food. however, i always avoid the dumplings. they look so stodgy and since ive always had a snowball i cant manage them. anyway, chilli. i always make this; tinned kidney beans in spicey sauce x2, onions, 3 peppers, jalepenos, chilli powder, tomatoes, hand ground beef, sweetcorn sometimes and just leave it in the slow cooker for a few hours. did you say u were getting a pressure cooker?

Gledwood said...

Syd: Congratulations: that's my master recipe. I learned to cook vegetarian first as I hated handling meat, hence the spicy base. I use always mild curry powders (as you can always add chili separately if needs be) and always neutralize or westernize with 1-2 tsps paprika to each tsp curry powder. I also add dried mixed herbs (or fresh when I've been to Mother Hubbs' garden)... Veg suet's called Atora here and apparently Crisco in America...
I gave up adding potatoes to my stews and use dumplings as the sole providor of carbs... I luurve dumplings now ;->...

Jeannie: corn meal? I'll have to try that... You don't mean cornflour do you? Someone told me that makes good dumplings..? But usually it's used as stew-thickener... surely?

Akelamalu: oh they're yummy. I've adapted the chili con carne recipe to piri piri spices with mixed pulses not just boring kidney beans and lots of peas with my "baroque" (ill-formed) dumplings!!!

Eileen/Reeny: I once tried brown dumplings they were horrible. But Sainsbury's value self raising flour at 35p per 1.5kgs is the best!!

Naomi: There's nothing like a good trumpeteer to jolly up a long rainy night!

You must be really thin with all those snowballs..! I once caused havoc at a family dinner by going innocently for a pee ~ something fell on the floor it was a hit of gear with "a bit of coke in it". So I whacked it up in the restaurant toilets and nearly went flying out the window I was so high: then I returned to my family sweating heavily and manic and everyone pretended not to notice...

I know that coke anorexia well. When I used to live with Mad Bird off the street I could never do more than pick at my food when a yummy snowball had been consumed first...

I think I will try that recipe...

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood