HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, April 13, 2009

Mood Swing Misery

I SPENT THE ENTIRETY OF LAST WEEK feeling good enough I actually thought, Depression is gone; it is a thing of the past ~ and how ridiculously over-confident I was getting. I won't dare say what I'd planned on posting this morning.

But no. No depression is far too good to be true. So after a series of wobble-wobbles, several half-baked resolutions (that now sound too naive to print) and a severely disrupted sleep cycle I wake up this morning in sickness and misery and WHAM! it's all come back. I must've slept 16 hours out of the last 24. I feel physically ill. I don't think this is at all interesting; personally I am bored to death by my own life, but this is what's happened so it's what I have to say.


Syd said...

I'm sorry. Please check out the blog by Louisey at http://louisey.wordpress.com/. She just mentioned someone who said that they were bored with their life.

Gledwood said...

I will look, but I'm not bored. I have 3000000 things to do but neither NRG nor the requisite enthusiasm :-<...

Gledwood said...

or maybe my face should look like

Jeannie said...

Is it the Easter holiday maybe? You don't say much about your family. Anyway, hope it is just a temporary down - we all have them or at least I do.

Gledwood said...

It's not Easter. It just feels like a nasty moodswing. I'm TOO vulnerable to them, that's why I have to see a shrink.

Puss-in-Boots said...

Mood swings...not nice, Gleds. Go and offload onto your shrink...that's what he/she's there for. Hope you feel better soon.

Naomi C. said...

I never actually remember I am a manic depressive (I guess thats the whole downer about mental illness, eh? The person never seems to think they have one) and I suddenly get really positive and happy and think "yes! this is it! i feel great, i don't want to take heroin, i'm going to do this, going to do that..." and BAM! i am cruelly back where I was previously, neigh-on catatonic and wanting to jump off the nearest highest bridge. It happens so often but never fails to be equally as devestating.

My Momma recently got back from America & Canada and while at Niagra Falls she purchased me this little bottle of "goose hot sauce" (its not goose, just a name) and it is so unbelievable spicey. I thought of you when I put it on my salad tonight as I read your piri piri bit (I love nandos and I buy the sauces from Sainsburys to add to my chicken at home). I wish you could try it, delicious. I am glutton for punishment and all I tend to eat is spicey stuff- phaals, vindaloos, a madras if I am on a date and don't want to sweat profoundly in my partners face (hang on, im lying, ive never had a date so replace that with friends). Geez, and I wonder why I have a stomach ulcer. Pffft. Hamsters, its my twin nieces birthday sunday, I had hamsters growing up (in those funky rotastax that were red and yellow remember em?) we are getting one each for the kids. can't wait to have a little hammy. Tales from the riverbank, remember? Loved the old black & white ones. christ, i rambled more than you wrote in your post!

Queenneenee said...

Hello Mr. Gleds~So whats the holdup? Go see a shrink! Dammit..Have you set that up yet? Don't mean to be all bossy(yes I do) but I just want you to be better, and you can be-you know this. Hell who hasn't been to a freakin shrink, its all the rage! You should give it a whirl my friend, it has done wonders for my family. Take care!

Gledwood said...

PussinBoots: I don't HAVE an official shrink yet, but should hopefully have one soon. Providing I don't slip through the holes of the so-called Safety Net yet AGAIN..!!

NaomiC: literally manic-depressive in the "bipolar disorder" type way? If so were you like that before heroin? Has heroin/methadone had any mood-straightening effect on you? On me it's tended to act as a blanket. I used to get regular mood swings up as well as down BEFORE heroin, they have practically gone away until very recently... I never got a bipolar diagnosis btw. For one thing I scrupulously avoided mentioning anything hyper, frantic, agitated or manic sounding to any of my doctors!!!

Rotostaxx! My childhood hammies lived in one (in series not together I can't imagine the infighting amongst reclusive Syrian hamsters which were the only kind on sale in the late 70s/early 80s... then my step brother dug out the cage nearly a decade later when we were in a huge old house running alive with mice. Humane traps caught the furry swines and a rotostack cage housed 'em. That's where I got the expression "swines" from as they looked like little piglets running that wheel all together...

Queeneenee: Well I've been assessed by the Operative (nurse) but things took a rocky turn when I quite innocently described detoxing cold turkey and fcking busted myself for getting MANIC during the detox. One thing you must realize is heroin addicts never detox in mixed company or the company of other addicts who could bring them drugs. So I've never actually SEEN another person go sick. But HAVE heard stories about "lying in bed for a week" ~ something I cannot relate to at ALL as I was so incredibly agitated, distractable and hyper it was unreal. Now this and certain other experiences are pointing to the dreaded bipolar again so I spose I have to fess up. Which makes me want to procrastinate going even MORE, know what I mean but thanks for the support it is highly trendy to be mad these days so hey ;->...

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Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood