HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


Gledwoods deutscher Blog

Bitte hier klicken ...


I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Domesticated Condiments

THE CHILI CON CARNE WAS OK, except for the windy diarrhoea I gave myself by undercooking (slightly) the red kidney beans. This despite following all instructions to the letter and obeying minimum boil time limits...

So I was thurping and trumpeting away all night, then I woke up in a shower of pure lights of unbeing (so to speak) and decided to clean my house all anew. It is now shining like the operating theatre on ET's intergalactic spacecraft.

Oh and as for condiments: I'd run out by this morning. No black pepper even. So irritatedly I whizzed round the supermarket, having to ask the old grannies who worked there (at least the ones who looked like they spoke English) where's black pepper? where's vinegar? mayo? Atora (dumpling suet)? etc etc and a shower of other items that make plain food more bearable. Then shelled out about £3.80 on nothing.

I had to go to a drugs clinic appointment. I don't know why, but I hate these more and more every time. Next visit is to the Chief Head Shrinker and I'm trembling in trepidation. Maple Syrup my worker reassured me it's ten minutes of blabber and he's not interested whether or not I'm barking mad.

As I "intimated" previously I'm terrified of being labelled bipolar, having had something like a nervous breakdown every single time I've made even a halfhearted effort at detoxing. One of these lovely, fun times seemingly met the DSM IV criteria (as used by American Headshrinkers) for a mixed mania-depression episode. No wonder I felt so lovely throughout that experience.

Trotter Donkey says hi to everybody. She bit me and ran off yesterday then MC Carrot Nose glared at me from under the porch of the chewed-out Cadbury's Chocolate Fingers emporium in which they sleep... Their water bottle ran out a couple of days ago and I couldn't find tape to restick it. Which meant having to hold up said bottle as robos emerged like furry hippos to gluckle away at said bottle two-at-once, which always looks entertaining. When "Baby" Itchy was alive they used to drink three at once in a Furry Trinity, which looked ever so sweet... Only this time they totally ignored said watery condiment until I bothered to call them and then two gremlinous racoon faces appeared. They stared and stared up at me as I continued to talk rubbish. Which I found dead flattering. Then Bashful bit me and scurried off ...


Lone Grey Squirrel said...

How bad are these bites that the Robos give you from time to time? Do they ever draw blood?

Sarcastic Bastard said...

I think you are hysterical. I will be reading more.

Love to the hammies.

Akelamalu said...

Beans are notorious for make one windy!

Happy St. George's Day. :)

WAT said...

The diarrhea from the Chili con Carne had me laughing! Sorry. Yeah, just trying to get off my psychotropic med is an ordeal for me! UGH! I think I understand.

Jeannie said...

I hate when the ordinary every day stuff is all gone.
Beans are the musical fruit after all.

Baino said...

Far too much information re da beanz! Don't worry about the Chief Headshrinker, he's nuttier than you are . .trust me!

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Poor Gleds. And I agree with the comment above!

Lou said...

Note to Gledwood: do not eat beans found on the street. Luckily the hammies survived the windy assault!

lettuce said...

undercooked kidney beans can be fatal, beware!!

sorry i've not been around for a while...

gremlinous is an excellent word

Gledwood said...

LGS: only the late great Itchy ever drew blood, by biting the fold by my thumb on the palm when she was getting hormonal. No with Bashful I just feel razor-teeth closing round a digit then pull hand away rapidly. Sometimes sending poor Bashful hurtling across the fishtank...

SB: you're welcome; where did you come from? How did you find me??

AKELAMALU: I know but had assumed that was ancient wives' tales... surely they meant undercooked beans as baked don't seem to and baked are so soft they're done nearly to death...

WAT: what psychotropic meds are you on? Do please reveal all!!

JEANNIE: Aye, beans are most certainly musickal... yeah this week I've ENSURED I'm loaded up on condiments and ready-in-0.5-hour roast potatoes (with pepper and mayo: yummmmmm...)

BAINO: yeah I don't trust headshrinkers as far as I could dessicate on and fit in an urn with leathery-dead shock-haired rictus grinning on a stick...

WELSHCAKES: aye aye!!

LOU: aye point taken. Though I'm sure it wasn't the street found bit that caused the flatulence-assault...

LETTUCE: I know! I wasn't TOO worried about those phartz though as no aches or pains. Aren't they sposed to contain ARSENICK??!?!!!!!!!



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood