HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Heroin Doesn't Get Me High Anymore But I'm Still Cleaning My House

I HAD MY LAST shot of heroin and it was no good. Not that it was weak: it was sticky and dark and full of da chemical business but it's not doing the business for me so I'm dropping it. Fortuity has done me a favour in making this easier, I'll explain this later in the week. Heroin and I should have parted ways a long while ago. It does nothing for me except make me feel tired. The joy in it's all gone. I don't care for heroin any more.

I focused my attention today on cleaning my house. This time I cleared out my bedroom, where a pile of detritus had built up by the door. Old cups, papers, pens, biscuit wrappers and everything concealed under a fresh bedsheet. Things had gone seriously downhill like I can't explain. I wrote to the council, who've put me on the Council Tax computer asking now I'm surely on their system, could I please have payment card or counterfoils for the weekly accommodation charge I'm surely supposed to pay here. That's the bill I was told "not to worry about" because as far as the System was concerned I did not exist. My life is Twilight Zone enough without my nonexistence causing additional strife. I'm off to the photocopier, 10p envelope shop and post office with that one as soon as I'm done here. Then I'm supposed to be attending an antidrugs group I don't really want to go to but perhaps I'll feel better afterwards.

Ta-ta everybody: how was your day?

17 comments:

kelly Al-Saleh said...

Wow! Go with it while you still feel that way esp when if you've been feeling that way for some time.

Its usually dealers that make me want to come off/behave - or rather- the way they treat me - e.g. tell you to wait half an hour, when you say you want to go somewhere else say they're 5 mins away then turn up 6 hours later or lead you on a 'merry' dance all the way.

How long since you last used? I usually find the thought of quitting so easy whilst on then when off I go stir crazy and the other way.

ps. why don't you look up Graphic design or desk top publishing courses. I know lots of cool design sites if you're interested.

xk

Gledwood said...

I last used about 10 mins before I wrote that post. I'm so fed up with heroin, I've kept a tiny filter for use in the icy depths of morning so if I wake up feeling methadone-horrible it should thaw me out in 5 mins rather than waiting an hour for the juice to take hold (I drink the juice at the same time)

I know what you mean about wanting to be clean when you're dirty. it's weird but nondruggies often find that hard to understand though it's entirely logical...

I was interested in learning book design. I'd love to be able to design my own books as well as write them. And I'd love to design other people's...

Syd said...

It sounds as if this is a good time to quit then. Hope that you do get to design books, and do graphic arts. There's a real demand for that over here.
My day? So far going well. It's a bit gray at the moment outside but everything is lush green which is amazing. I have a meeting tonight which is good.

kelly Al-Saleh said...

ok, a good start is Derek Birdsall. He's British and a legend. A good American one would be Paul Rand. Go googling but here's some links to get you started. This is design history but these are the Masters of what they do so they're a good aspiration:

http://www.designmuseum.org/design/derek-birdsall

http://www.arts.ac.uk/events/30524.htm

http://blog.eyemagazine.com/?tag=derek-birdsall

Typography will always put any designer in good stead. You can't be a good designer and be ignorant about type; it is the lifeblood of design.
swap trainspotting for fontspotting. soon you'll be annoying/boring people by shouting out the names of fonts on posters on the underground.

Well, i hope that feeling stays beyond your last bit cos it's what you'll need. In my case, finances are forcing me to stick with the script.

xK

Gledwood said...

Syd: there IS a demand? I had thought for some reason it was an over-full field...

I wanted something creative that didn't feel brainbusting and paid relatively well. Also graphic designers wear nice casual clothes, which is always good...

Kelly: I've never heard of those people but will have a good look

I love typography. I don't know if you've been reading this long enough to have picked up loving references to foreign scripts like Burmese (lovely and round ~ I think it's the funkiest writing in the world) and Armenian (Cyrillic crossed with musical notes and runes)...

Yeah I bloody hope the feeling lasts. It was a novelty last Sunday to buy the Sunday Times. Usually I'm far too broke for that, after all it's all of TWO POUNDS...(!!)

Akelamalu said...

You're really having a spring clean aren't you? I hope you do stay of heroin.

Nicole said...

My day wasn't any more exciting. I had a day's worth of freelance work. Went to the post office and back to work and the supermarket, ate some dinner and that's about it.

Queenneenee said...

For a very long time at the end of my drinking career I despised it and knew I needed to stop or else. It was to the point it didn't DO anything for me. I hope this feeling lasts for you Gleds. I worked today and have my Home Group meeting tonight and I have the NEXT TWO DAYS OFF!!! yeee hawww

Baino said...

It's a start Gleds and keep the meetings up even if they are a chore. For goodness sakes buy a bin!

Whitenoise said...

Keep trying, Gled. Keep going to NA.

Puss-in-Boots said...

Hey Gleds! Wanna come and clean up my place???

Bimbimbie said...

How did the meeting go?

Sounds like your body has decided enough is enough. Just a warning housework can be dangerous to one's health and mind ;)

Merle said...

Hi Gleds ~~What great news that you are tired of heroin ~ I hope you can stay off it now and make something of your life. You are talented to be
able to put on all the videos etc that you do. I am sorry I haven't been around for a while, but haven't been well at all. Just now feeling better which is great. I was so very sorry that Little Itchy died. I bet you still miss her/him. Nice that Mother Hubbard
let you bury her in her garden. She
is a good friend. I do hopw the depression is gone for good.
Thanks so much for your comment on my story about Faith, the dog who walked on his two hind legs. He was amazing. Take great care of
yourself, my friend, Regards, Merle.

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Gledwood,

You know me by now, and even if I'm content using myself I don't promote H or wish it on anyone who struggles with it. So, I just wish you the best... and hope that you get what you want. If it does nothing for you, quiting is what you must do.

Best wishes, Shane

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood