HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Chili Con Carne

I FOUND an (undamaged) packet of red kidney beans on the street. Obviously it had fallen out of some Guardian-reading, round glasses-wearing bicycle-riding Labour voter's shopping (not that I'm prone to stereotyping) and I decided to make the most of it. So these unattractive, hard pulses have been languishing on my shelf for nearly a month. And just when I felt like eating them (because the cupboard was otherwise bare: I'd even run out of tea, milk and sugar) I found you had to soak the blighters overnight before consuming. Dur! I do remember this from uni days when my socialist friends collected weird things in teacups on the fridge, but always thought then, as I do now, why not just buy 'em tinned~??!?

So having turfed said beans into one mug, which they rapidly outswelled, then into two mugs I was greatly "appointed" to find a full-on recipe for chili con carne on the packet's side. I spent £12 on two burgeoning bags of shopping at Morrisons this morning, forcing myself to stock up on the less convenient (ie not ready in 2 minutes fresh stuffed pasta type stuff I'm prone to) comestibles like brown pasta twirls (I cannot handle spaghetti after a bad experience) and brown rice. Isn't brown supposed to be better? It's certainly going to make everyone think I'm anti death penalty (which I'm not: I think rapists, murderers and paedophiles should be put out of their misery).

For my carne I bought the slightly pinker minced (ground) beef at £2 for 800g. I always thought supermarkets were dearer for meat ~ they always used to charge double for pie steak (when they bothered to stock it) and lamb chops. Grew up a bit lamb chopped out and so nowadays go for any other cut. Neck was cheap and nice ~ but then again the supermarkets never stocked it cubed, which I, coming from Blunt Knife Land found greatly inconvenient.

I can't even parrot out this recipe I'm about to travesty, though I can say it requires something like tinned tomatoes or Ragu base (got both), garlic (tubed far out-conveniences fresh bulbs, which dry out and stink out my fridge before I ever remember to use them...) and mushrooms and onions and broccoli, all of which my refrigerator's soon to be replete with.

Isn't my life fascinating! Gotta go before all the frozen crap I bought thaws out ~ cheery-bye!

PS here's a baby robo with a baby ruby-eyed "normal" (Syrian) hamster. The robbie baby isn't that much smaller than full-grown, but the Syrian will grow to four times that size

12 comments:

Jeannie said...

Can't imagine following a chili recipe - this is one of those dishes, like spaghetti, that we girls were making on our own by the time we were 9 or 10. We experimented with the amount of seasonings and varied the veggies and beans. I never make it quite the same twice as it depends a lot on what I have on hand. Would never ever use Ragu though. I wouldn't use Ragu for anything. Travesty when tinned tomatoes are cheaper and taste better with the right seasoning. I personally don't like kidney beans but will use them if they are there. I can even make a very good meatless chili for my vegetarian daughter. I like to use a mixture of black and pinto beans and always add jalapeno (as well as other) peppers.

Gledwood said...

Mine came out OK. I used the bare minumum chili they recommended on a bed of sheer max spicing. It came out OK, I think ...(??)... Considering it was done pretty much within the hour ;->... take it e.z. folks

ok i gotta run now i'm exhausted, all piri-piri'd out~!! haha!!

Akelamalu said...

I adore red kidney beans - I have them cold (out of a tin) on salad. MWM hates them so when I make Chilli-con-carne I used baked beans in tomato sauce it tastes really nice!

Syd said...

I'm going to try the piri piri recipe. Got all the stuff to do it with. I posted a chili recipe not long ago. It's on my blog.

Aunt Reeny's After Thoughts said...

Chili is a super simple thing to make, says alot coming from me...I don't cook. We have a slow cooker so I shove it in there all day and tend to add the hot stuff towards the end, otherwise, it may just take yer head off. I add kidney beans as well as black beans. Mmmmm black beans. How good is black bean soup with a dollop of sour cream on top....Good.

Baino said...

I'm with Jeannie, savoury mince is a staple in our house that we all knew how to make as kids . .it's just what you do with it that's different. Love the chili but it has to be hot hot hot . . .and a little bit of chocolate makes your sauce go glossy . . there . . . a hot tip for free!

Vincent said...

I ate this tonight! (Out of the microwave ;-P )

gledwood said...

;->...

kelly Al-Saleh said...

More Typography/Design stuffHi Gleds,

Please check out this blog:
http://spiekermann.com/en/


Erik Spiekermann is a great Graphic Designer/Typographer. He's German. If you ever get a chance to attend one of his lectures, do. He's also very funny/witty so his lectures are as entertaining as they are informative.


To view his work:
http://www.edenspiekermann.com/

http://spiekermannpartners.com/en


His Bio:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Erik_Spiekermann


Also, he's interviewed in the dvd I mentioned I had; Helvetica.
Have a look at clips on these links or type 'Helvetica' in You Tube.

http://www.helveticafilm.com/index.html

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3mhOT4JOvgA

Erik appears at the very start of the film. After the main features there are a series of interviews with various great designers:
Matthew Carter, Massimo Vignelli, Erik Spiekermann, Michael Bierut, Wim Crouwel, Hermann Zapf, Stefan Sagmeister, Jonathan Hoefler, Tobias Frere-Jones, Lars Müller, Rick Poynor, Experimental Jetset, Pierre Miedinger etc.

Also, there's a typographic competition called Tart Cards if you're interested. The idea is to design prostitute style cards but you're selling type/fonts instead of people/sex... Check it out: http://www.uktype.com/index.php?Tart-Cards

If you don't have access to software to create this, don't worry. You can do it on paper, I'd be happy to scan it for you. Lots of ways round it and I'd be happy to advise further if you are interested. It closes on 30th April 2009.

take care + hope the psych stuff is going ok.

xKelly

sally in norfolk said...

My boys love the chilli i make for them and its so easy... made with batchelors condensed tom soup tinned red beans mince chilli powder garlic and a dash or two of vinegar

delish :-)

Bimbimbie said...

I like rk beans but spice is out for me.

Sorry to read you are still having problems with your local council it's beginning to sound like that comedy line ... computer says no. Makes you wonder where common sense is hiding these days.

Loved the tufty squirrels*!*

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Love your description of the Guardian reader!

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

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