HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Radiators off

FINALLY I FOUND THE KEY to turn my own blazing radiators off. My home is fairly clean, though scattered with stray dumpling flour. The schizophrenic next door claims the landlord was seeking me on Friday. Why can't these people leave notes like ordinary human beings. The register I signed days ago is still on the wall full of my initials.

I don't know what I am supposed to write? What can I say. I only feel like death and death warmed up.

The more I think about where I've been and where I've come from the more angry I get. Living in a yard deep of rubbish obsessively collected. Sleeping on the floor, living like a wild animal, paranoid, convinced I was being spied on by miniature alien-cams. Hearing voices all the time. And all through this my idiot dolts of drugs workers took my dire physical state (I was literally falling apart on my feet) as a kind of normality. My mental state was bearly even glimpsed. When the shrink said I had been "paranoid and psychotic" I was still far too paranoid to pass on this info to somebody else. I lost out on over a year's state benefits I'm still entitled to due to "feelings of unworthiness".

Short of a miracle I will never be better than I am now. Which is not that good. Now I have to go it's a blue and white sunny day and it's making me sick.

This is from Ireland: bull in a supermarket


Akelamalu said...

You sound ill Gleds, I hope your state improves m'dear. x

Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

I believe in miracles, Gleds.

Gledwood said...

Thank you I feel horrible

Actually so do I believe in miracles, strangely

Baino said...

Aww and you've been so bright this week. Chin up Gleds. Perhaps it's your usual Sunday malaise. Do something different today. Just for shits and giggles.

Lesley said...

I hope you're feeling better today. Stick with it, you have friends here.

Oh that poor bull in the video... he must have been terrified. I don't eat meat so I felt more sorry for him than the people in his path! :D

Gledwood said...

~Actually I'd never considered it was the dreaded lurking SUNDAY. The day least holy!

~Feeling better on Monday. Drugs and home-made piri piri are to blame, I'd say {;-0

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Life is hard, isn't it, Gledwood? Hang in there. Things will swing up. Just ride it out. Your readers love you!

Gledwood said...

I thought you said things will swill up... I have swine flu on the brain!!

Sarcastic Bastard said...

You are funny, Gledwood. You always make me smile.

Liz said...

Just catching up on your posts, gledwood. I've not had a chance to do much visiting anywhere recently.

You've been a bit up and down again, haven't you? I do believe you can get better than you are now. Try to believe that too.

That stew sounds yummy. My dumplings always tend to be a bit stodgy. I wonder if it's because I don't put them in enough liquid.

Take care, lovely boy. xx



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood