HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Furry Friday/Saturday: Red Squirrels!

THROUGHOUT THE VAST majority of the UK our native, dainty red squirrels are the stuff of mere folk memory, having been supplanted years ago by the artificially introduced, more vigorous and assertive North American grey. Apart from in children's books, I've only set eyes on these once, in Regents Park, by London Zoo, when I was about 8 years old.

When I came back to said park and perused zoo entrance, grey squirrels were everywhere and nary a red one to be seen...

They are smaller, far redder, and have tuftier ears:



I take it this one's in winter coat (look at those tufts!):



Don't they have massive paws:



Here's a baby, whose tufts haven't grown, digging up intellectual nuts:

11 comments:

K1tten said...

I tagged you back on FEB 9 do to the 'ten honest things about me' and I have a feeling you did not do it! Shame on you! :)

Lone Grey Squirrel said...

A post about squirrels! I am so pleased even if it is about the Reds.

David Tellez said...

Squirrels freak me out! I rarely see them back home, but here in Milwaukee, they are everywhere! When I walk down the streets, they run right in front of me, to a nearby tree and scamper up. It's so unnerving because, they come out of nowhere and I'm always afraid, one of them is going to mistake me for a tree and climb up me and scratch the hell out of my face. Plus, aren't they full of rabies and other diseases? Ew...groce.

Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

Lovely! I really appreciate those photographs. I wish I had seen the squirrels live.

I enjoy watching the squirrels in my yard--all the NA gray type, unfortunately. Alex in joys watching them, too, but he enjoys chasing them more.

Have a grand day, my friend!

Puss-in-Boots said...

How cute, especially the reds with their long ear tufts. We don't have squirrels here but have all sorts of other wild life to make up for it. I'd love to see a squirrel. Guess I'll have to take a trip to Europe or the US...

Baino said...

Gleds we might have possums and kangaroos, cute fuzzy and huge (well we have lots of little furry jumpers too) but no squirrels unfortunately. Last time I saw them was in London too . .St James Park I think. Man they can move but never ever seen a red one.

Merle said...

Hi Gleds ~ ~ Thanks so much for your comments and good wishes. It sure is good to feel better after 6 weeks of
pain on walking.
I enjoyed seeing the squirrels. They look so cute and nice, especially the last one. I hope you are doing well, my friend. I wish you the very best of luck for your future, and if you can drop the heroin, you will have a future. Take great care,
Regards, Merle.

Janice said...

Those squirrels are so cute.

Janice~

Lesley said...

I enjoyed looking at those pictures. I didn't realise that red squirrels were so beautiful!

Gledwood said...

Kitten: I'm so sorry my memory's like a seive!! Did you get tagged that by Melody?...? In which case I might have tagged it to her originally anyhow. I have answered something v like that one b4 but hey why not I'll do it again with 10 even MORE embarrassing things har har...

Squirrel: but aren't red squirrels fantastic..??!?

DT: diseases and squirrels ~ yes you have to be careful. And don't be too taken in: though pretty fearless they are known to BITE viciously with their nutcracking gnashers...

Nick: they're trying to eradicate grey squirrels totally from this country which is ridiculous ... like trying to eradicate pigeons. As I say I've only seen live, wild red squirrels ONCE and when I went back (20 years later) not a hide nor hair of one to be seen!

Puss in Boots: Dont' know about reds but grey squirrels are really tame (like pigeons) they come right up to you! (I touched ones tale once but was told be careful as they're apt to turn round and BITE!...)

Baino: they're VERY fast. I've only ever known a cat to catch a (healthy) one once in my life...

Merle: thanks Merle ~ hope you get better soon ;->...

Janice: gorgeous, aren't they!!

Lesley: they're very nice and as I say a little smaller than greys, plus have that very cute posture with the tail bushed in an S-shape...

Brad said...

I came by this post by Rita's blog.
These are adorable squirrels.I wish they were in America.
I feed birds and squirrels and I love them .
Brad

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

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