HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Thursday, June 25, 2009

¡España Por Favor!

THIS MORNING I copied my Mother, who does the washing up listening to The Archers, a soap opera featuring a village divided by class: posh country people and the yokel turnips. Except I was HABLAR-ing away en español at the top of my voice as the dishes (eventually) got cleaner. Some of those stubborn stains were so hard to shift we'd got from hiring a car to calling the emergency plumber by the time they had gone!

The depression I was moaning on about last week finally went ~ as you may have noticed by my daily mentions of Spanish vacaciones (or whatever they're called), rainbow donkies etc. And along with it my ridiculously extended sleep pattern. I'm now back to sleeping 7 or 8 hours.

Last night ITV showed the 2nd of 2 parts of Paradise Lost the TV prog on the nightmare facing an estimated million Brits in Spain alone as the credit crunch plus flagging pound hits the costas.

You hear all about a place called "Benidorm" and I always wondered why I've never met a single person who's been there. The mystery came a little clearer last night with a couple who bought a bar called The Rusty Nail. Takings were so poor, on a bad day they might make 3 euros! Soon as the narator mentioned "Benidorm" I thought I bet they're Northern ~ and sure enough they were. For some reason that particular area, which is just south of Barcelona, attracts holiday makers from Birmingham up (or to put in American-friendly terms, Brits who speak "with an accent").

One particular couple ~ I wanted to scream it at the television set ~ you could see exactly why their bar attracted nobody. 1. as they admitted they hadn't a word of the local lingo and so were utterly unable to serve locals, even though locals came in 2. the very plainness of the place was unbelievable. TART IT UP! I wanted to yell. Even if that means festooning the bar with sombrero-sporting donkey souvenirs (which must always be on sale ~ merchandising is the key!!). Anything! However tacky. But not just bare walls, bare bar: bare bare bare!

And that was another thing: EVERY single Brit interviewed was laughing or even half-PROUD about barely speaking a word of Spanish, which is one of the EASIEST languages to learn. Far easier than French, which can take an age to learn how to read aloud (so many silent letters). Plus the "gender" of nouns ~ masculine or feminine ~ is almost always immediately apparent in Spanish; that's why you say los maños and las palmas. In French, whether a word is male or female is often purely a matter of memory-work. I don't know. I just don't understand how you can splosh out £350,000 or more on a house and yet resent paying £50 on a few books and CDs!

Apart from Barcelona, the bit I would naturally gravitate to would be the Costa del Sol. This is the most easterly mooring point for yachts and cruisers of the Mediterranean and so attracts super-rich as well as more ordinary citizens. Not surprisingly the credit crunch isn't biting quite as hard here. They featured an East European lady who employs nearly 130 staff selling high-end properties, some in the multi-millions of Euros. I carefully took down her name. I actually dream at night of wandering the corridors of palatial mansions. I love architecture. If I were rich I would collect homes (nothing as vulgar as cars). So the idea of being an estate agent or "realtor" (as they don't call them here or in Spain) still appeals. Though they do have a shockingly bad reputation.

So you see my Spanish dream is still alive. I'm sure that where you have a million Brits seemingly drowning ~ for want of an interpreter as much as anything else ~ there must be a living to be made SOMEWHERE... Plus, incidentally after British the most common nationality living in Spain is GERMAN ~ so you see where this sudden language-study is going...

... and I've barely even mentioned las Islas Canarias yet ...

WHILE we're on kitch music from my childhood...

A huge hit, Christmas 1982
Yeah yeah I know this is all "Italiano" but it's all white buildings and old ladies drest in black... PS one Brit I do know who is mistress of the Italian language is Welshcakes Limoncello ~ à la Sicily Scene blog ...
Renee's "Pavarotti light" style voice was a huge hit. In my opinion he's far better than Paul Potts:

Cornetto was at the time the most premium quality ice-cream available from ordinary shops. The tune is "O Sole Mio".
This, featuring a Cornetto-snatching singer (voiced by "Renato") is one of the most classic British telly ads of the early 1980s:

Pictures~ top: Spanish beach-donkey; a typical sight at Benidorm, note the transfixed local little boy; Fuertaventura, Canary Isles (somewhere I'd really like to go) inside the Rusty Nail bar, Benidorm from se vende site; foam party, Club Amnesia, Ibiza (Balearic Isles); Marbella, Costa del Sol


Merle said...

Hi Gleds ~~ Glad you have got over the latest depression and are feeling brighter. The languages are
keeping you busy. There should be a refresher course for your German.
Take good care and thanks for visiting. I am glad to be rid of the earache. Regards, Merle.

Gledwood said...

I had a look but couldn't find one. I started a degree in it years ago and did a year and a bit... that is the reason I can't find anything really good enough. So decided to plough through books on my own, as that, after all, is what I'd be doing on a course anyhow!!

Anonymous Drifter said...

Hi, thanks for commenting on my blog. Your input was much appreciated. I just popped over to your poetry blog .. you should continue writing and posting there. I really enjoyed it.

Akelamalu said...

I'm glad to hear the depression has lifted Gleds. Lots of people where I live go to Benidorm. Not me though, I've never fancied it at all it sounds like Blackpool with sun! :(

Baino said...

Hy sparky! Translating for lazy brits or interior decorating. You've got it sussed! Put me on that beach please, my tootsies are freezing!

Janice said...

Hi Gled,

I'm glad you are feeling better.

My sister went to Mexico for a long stay, she came back right before swine flu started. Too late. She got the flu, she okay now.


Gledwood said...

Anonymous Drifter: cheers!

Akemalalu: I always wondered on that north-south divide regarding Benidorm and never could make it out

Baino: that bar seriously needed some seeing to. Pick any random colours from charts and they'd look better than the beige combo they had in THE RUSTY NAIL...

Janice: thank God for that!

Gledwood said...

Anonymous Drifter: cheers!

Akemalalu: I always wondered on that north-south divide regarding Benidorm and never could make it out

Baino: that bar seriously needed some seeing to. Pick any random colours from charts and they'd look better than the beige combo they had in THE RUSTY NAIL...

Janice: thank God for that!

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Americans don't want to learn a foreign language either. We seem to take pride in being ignorant. In a lot of ways, my country embarrasses me.



eda said...


Gledwood said...

SB: I know I know I'm often ashamed to be British ~ in "international"-type circumstances...

... one thing we don't realize either is something many foreigners can take for granted. ie. that pretty much wherever we go in the world we are unable to have a private confidential conversation aloud for fear of being overheard and the listener understanding. That's a luxury Dutch people, Finns, Swedes, Icelanders and people from all manner of other places probably take for granted. It really annoys me having no privacy like that when I'm abroad and e.g. in a shop and want to talk confidentially to someone e.g. about how much money we're willing to pay for something... Know what I mean...?

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Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood