HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Feats of Accomplishment

AWW! WHAT can I talk about? My head is done in having posted about "depression" ~ just thinking about it makes it worse. I know it's for real because as well as feeling peed off all the time I've been sleeping ridiculously long amounts of time.

It's not all down and doom though. The "invigilator" or whatever he calls himself ~ the guy in charge of yesterday's group ~ said I made a most profound statement when I piped up my Former Philosophy of Life (before I got sucked into junkiehood) ~ this was that you cannot change everything in life, can't necessarily avoid it, whatever you do, or defeat it. What you can change is your attitude to things ~ and THAT makes a massive difference.

If I cannot think my way out of these pits, surely I should be able to ACT my way out of them (that is by actions not pretence). Putting drugs well and truly behind me would be a good start. But that's a massive one. So you see I'm shot in the foot before I start because my Task To Do is far too huge.

I think that's why NA say "just for today" ~ ie live your life a day at a time. Sometimes the best way of not getting scared is just not to look down. Sometimes NOT seeing the bigger picture may actually help. Then perhaps afterwards we can marvel at the feats and accomplishments we might achieve.

MILES AWAY
I heard this playing over Morrisons' PA and thought "that sounds like Madonna, but it's good"...




PS: CAN ANYONE GUESS what's the famous mountain illustrated?

10 comments:

Syd said...

I think that living one day at a time is a great philosophy. It is a cornerstone for many recovery programs.

Regarding the mountain, I guess the Matterhorn.

Akelamalu said...

The Reiki Precepts are

Just for today I will not worry
Just for today I will not get angry
Just for today I will count my many blessings
Just for today I will be honest in my dealings with people
Just for today I will be kind to every living thing

Just for today is a good way to live your life. There's always tomorrow to do it right if today goes wrong Gleds.

Aimee said...

I just stopped by your blog. Thanks for stopping by mine. I responded to your comments.. I'm going to blogroll ya so I can come back when these lil things called kids are sleeping and not disturbing me..

Baino said...

Gleds it's important to set 'achievable' goals. Start small and work your way from base camp to the K2 summit! Otherwise it all becomes to overwhelming and you don't do anything . .bit like me and yardwork. Sometimes it's all too much so I hit the couch and watch a DVD!

molson said...

I wonder if I can find baby corn on K2. Probably not, but if I did, would it be the work of aliens?

WAT said...

Yeah Gledderini, just take it one day at time. Frankly, that's how I do it!

That mountain is not Everest, for that would be too obvious right? Is it K2?! But it also slightly resembles the Matterhorn.

That is a good Madonna song. Very catchy. I love the guitar work.

WAT said...

Yeah Gledderini, just take it one day at time. Frankly, that's how I do it!

That mountain is not Everest, for that would be too obvious right? Is it K2?! But it also slightly resembles the Matterhorn.

That is a good Madonna song. Very catchy. I love the guitar work.

kelly Al-Saleh said...

You're spot on Gleds. It's similar to what they say in CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy)... you can't control external stuff, things will happen, what you can do is work on how you deal/cope with these things, your reactions/attitude etc. In a negative situation, you can choose to react negatively (i knew this would happen, what's the point etc) or you can react positively 'ok, this has happened and it isn't good but here's what I DO have still and here's what I can do about it.'
Of course all of this is easier said than done, I think were therapy comes in is that it teaches you to recognise a negative thought (your pattern of behaviour) before it manifests itself too deeply. It makes you concsious of your thoughts. Not easy, a lot of hard work and dedication. I get resentful sometimes thinking about all the other confident, popular, attractive people from stable homes that are free of all these problems. Actually, I forget, it's those very people that I find boring and unable to relate to - in fact they run away from me if I so much hint at my crazy upbringing. So, I guess if I don't want to be friends with these people, why would i want to BE them. I suppose the answer is; easier life, straightforward, know where you came from and where you're going to.

No, I'm proud of my f@cked up family. I'm glad I've been thru things that make people uneasy when recounting the tales to them. I've stepped over many lines. I've been places most would only dream of (in their nightmares) both by force and by free will. It is mesed up but I am glad of all i've experienced. I'm glad of my 'bad' choices. They made me love and appreciate humanity better - not is some Disneyfied manner but taking in the good and bad and ugly.

I love you all

It would be great if you got over your shyness and we could meet f2f. This stuff deserves proper conversation, with refreshments.

Drugs are too abstract a thing to pin them as the cause of your trouble. When are people going to learn that in a majority of cases they are taken to enhance ones existence, to make life bearable. To prevent a more permanent prescription of suicide. My depression also long pre-dated any drug use whatsoever.

I don't care if this offends people, I am grateful to heroin. I know I wouldn't be here now otherwise.

Don't get me wrong, I also hate or rather resent her, the money - I would gladly pay the government for clean dose (contribute to helping the economy out of this recession). Wondering if every sniffle, teary eye or yawn is the start of something much much worse. Time, time spent chasing dealers who know you need them rather than vice-versa and always take the piss.

Again, I would rather go somewhere legal to get this and be able to get on with the rest of the day. Prohibition is what causes alot of the anti-social problems; arrests, thefts. Many people come out of prison more criminal than when they went in. Someone going in for possession (of drugs) will probably come out BA Hons in Burglary and Mugging. Prison is like a University/finishing school for Crime.

Anyway, enough of my rant. Glad to see your Robo still alive and well. Are you getting her a playmate or not?

take care Gleds, you're well loved by many.

xxxooo
Kelly

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Sorry, Gleddy. I don't know jack shit about mountains.

I do sleep a lot when I'm depressed though. It's either sleep or drink, man.

Love you!

SB

Esperantisto said...

Here's more info if you want Esperanto:

http://bernd.wechner.info/Esperanto/grammar.html

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

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