HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, June 26, 2009

RIP MJ


MICHAEL JACKSON IS DEAD.

To summarize:

PARAMEDICS apparently found him "in a coma" and "not breathing"
(sounds like dead already to me) at his rented Bel Air mansion. He was pronounced dead from "cardiac arrest" soon after arrival at the UCLA Medical Centre in Los Angeles.

All this despite just having been pronounced fit to undergo a 50-show residency at the O2 Centre here in London.

He had proclaimed: "This is it" ~ that after this he would perform no more ~ words that proved sadly prophetic, although at the time they were interpreted as a sad attempt to fuel ticket sales.

Cause of death? My first reaction: I bet it was drugs.

Well wouldn't I say that? Just bear in mind this is a man who's had (and owned up to) inpatient treatment for "prescription" painkiller addiction several times in the past 15 years ~ a fact totally overshadowed by the wilder controversies that swirled around him up until the end.

The man was an addict! Just like I am. He popped pills; I used needles. The place you end up in is just the same. Opiates become the only thing that make life seem worth living.

Tomorrow's autopsy should shed some light on this sad situation. A full toxicology report isn't expected for several days.

All that talent, all that fame ~ and all those millions he frittered away. And none of it, as the old cliché goes, seemed to bring very much happiness to a man who "had it all".

Goodnight Michael
Peace at last
Michael Jackson 1958-2009


*******


HIStory Vol I was a 2-disc collection. Greatest hits on one; the best set of new songs of his mature career on the other.
STRANGER IN MOSCOW



BILLIE JEAN, Motown 25th
His most famous performance; his first public moonwalk:



Michael Jackson was renowned for his "groundbreaking videos". Perhaps this one characterizes his crazy life better than any other.
LEAVE ME ALONE



With Madonna, 1990 Oscars
The pair, who seem like a living cartoon, were described as "larger than life..." and "the brightest star couple of all"...



This one speaks for itself:
GONE TOO SOON



Breaking news 14:09 hours (London time) TMZ website reports star's death "may have been caused by a DEMEROL (pethidine) injection"...

~ Stern Magazin: "Dramatische Abgang einer Legende"

13 comments:

Puss-in-Boots said...

Here was a very sad and tortured figure for all his talent and wealth. I, too, hope he is at peace now.

Gledwood said...

When I first heard I actually assumed it was suicide...

Syd said...

I am also thinking drugs. Maybe he overdosed on purpose. Sometimes the pressure about a tour is just too much. Very sad whatever the cause.

Gledwood said...

Another thing I considered saying, but held back on (for sake of brevity) was something that does annoy me about Michael Jackson. For all his sposedly saintly qualities he seems a dishonest man and this exemplifies it ~ recently, after cancelling the first precious 3 or 4 of those 50 shows, that people must have felt so privileged to get tickets for ~ he claimed management had duped him and that he'd "thought he was signing up only for a couple of weeks" ~ I mean what poppycock.
Another example of his lying was when he got arrested the 2nd time over alleged child abuse he claimed police had roughed him up on the way. Only they were able to produce an in-car recording of him calmly confirming he was "fine"...

Gledwood said...

... I don't know why that irritates me so much, but it does. Maybe, as I say it's the Jesus-posturing/etc. Like the Wizard of Oz, the human man behind it all is always going to be slightly disappointing...

Sarcastic Bastard said...

I have the MAJOR SADS today over this, Gleddy.

Love to you,

SB

Gledwood said...

Those poor kids he left behind! I felt sorry for them while he was alive, now even more so. Will they have ANY money at all to inherit? If not I really pity them ~ brought up in a bubble, suddenly to have to fend for themselves in the real world. Who will look after them?

Jaleesa said...

As sad as it is to say, I think he's more at peace now than he's ever been.

I also suspected drugs when I first heard something happened to him, and I never even heard about the drug abuse. Just figured it likely, given his life. You can't live and experience all he did without drugs, can you?

It's really sad...

Aunt Reeny's After Thoughts said...

He was a talent that is for sure. It's must be tough living your life under intense public scrutiny and his parents pushed him there. The thing that strikes me as odd here is that this is a man that was accused not once but two times of child molestation and still we deify him. Whether he is guilty of it or not isn't the point. Point being, if your next door neighbour was accused of it and then he or she passed away, how would you react?

Intersting. Pop culture always is.

Aimee said...

I'm interested in seeing what the toxicology reports say.. He had a ton of talent. Just not the mentality (maybe thats the wrong word) to back it up..

Gattina said...

I heard about his dead from my son who called me we are in Italy at the Garda lake on holidays.
I can help you with German when I am back, here my internet time is very limited !
It's so sad that he died so young ! I have seen him life in 1988

Gledwood said...

Jaleesa: the painkiller addiction was said to have all started with the terrible burns he suffered filming that Pepsi advert in 1983

Reeny: "all is forgiven"... last night on a retrospective they played the Black or White video which starts off with Macauley Culkin... something that never would have got played last week for the paedophilia "connexions" viewers might have drawn...

Aimee: they say that report could be 6 weeks coming! Talk about drawing something out!!

Gattina: thanks very much! I could do with as much help as I can get with my German!

eda said...

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood