HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, June 29, 2009

Michael Jackson Second Inquest: No New News

THE SECOND INQUEST on Michael Jackson's body demanded by his family has been done and the corpse returned to the morgue.

The family evidently wanted to squash the wild "drugs" rumours flying around and so insisted on the independently executed tests, as is their legal right to do so.

But the body has already been returned ~ and the family are quiet. Leading one to suspect these findings match the (as yet unpublicized) results of the first.

Which leads me to suspect drugs still are at the centre of the ongoing investigation into the death of a star who was allegedly "covered in needle marks" (Sun newspaper) and under care of a heart physician so incompetent he had to be reminded by an emergency operator that chest compressions must be performed against a hard surface such as a floor, not a springy one like a bed.

Whether or not a criminal investigation is ongoing into Mr Jackson's death remains to be revealed. Today's press are claiming that if the state of California doesn't pursue one, the family will intervene and possibly force a private prosecution of their own.

Was he really taking DEMEROL (pethidine) shots? (Demerol/pethidine is basically the next thing down from injected morphine.) Was he doctor-shopping for what the American press dub "hillbilly heroin" ~ the strong opioid OXYCODONE?

Former publicist Stuart Backerman claimed Michael Jackson may have had a painkiller habit ever since being burned filming a Pepsi Cola commercial in 1984. An accident that left him with (2nd and 3rd degree) burns so bad he had to wear a hairpiece ever since.

Time will tell and one thing's for sure: this is just the start of the speculation.

In death as in life: a megastar still shrouded in mystery and questions....

12 comments:

Sarcastic Bastard said...

This whole thing gives me the SADS, Gleddy.

Have a good week.

Love you,

SB

kelly Al-Saleh said...

'Former publicist Stuart Backerman claimed Michael Jackson may have had a painkiller habit ever since being burned filming a Pepsi Cola commercial in 1943'

1943?

Why do they want to pursue a criminal investigation? The guy is dead! Are they going to incarcerate his corpse? Honestly, this war on drugs & hounding addicts is taken too far some times! Joking aside, I take it it's to catch the Dr Drug pushers.

xK

Syd said...

It will be interesting to hear what the results are from the toxicology tests.

Janice said...

Hi Gled,

I just wanted to correct you on two things; it was 1984 when Michael Jackson got burned during the filming of a Pepsi ad, and the second; both examinations were inconclusive and toxicology tests are expected to take several weeks.

I'm betting it was DEMEROL that stopped Micheal's heart, and his physician so incompetent he let him die. The man has already got himself a high powered lawyer, that in itself tells us something.

It'll be interesting to see how this is played out in the weeks to come.

Janice~

Gledwood said...

SB: me too... though it barely even hit me till Sunday night...

Kelly: 1943? was that my typo or someone else's?... ooer on the internet one never can tell... let me check...

Syd: FASCINATING!!

Janice: aye~ though I heard narcotics (prescribed or otherwise) tend to cause RESPIRATORY rather than CARDIAC arrest... or to put it another way, breathing stops before the heart does... yes I knew about the inquest delay thing. Did I really type the date wrong?... It said 1983 originally and I THOUGHT I'd altered it correctly...

Gledwood said...

OK: THIS is how I came to say he'd had a painkiller habit since "1943". Originally I typed in 1983, a year EARLIER than actuality. In attempting to change this date I overtyped a 4, but over the 8 instead of the 3, hence that ridiculous typo... SOREEEEE ;->...

WAT said...

It has to be drugs, and sadly it's the prescribed kind too. They say more people are dying now due to the ones docs hand out like candy than from illegal recreatinal ones! GO FIGURE!

It's very sad and tragic.

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Gledwood said...

Wat: I know. That seems an especially American problem, where people pay through the nose for healthcare they (quite reasonably in a way) expect to get what they want for that money!

Eda: thankyou so very much!

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood