HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, June 01, 2009

Mad Dogs and Englishmen..*

IT'S A BAKING HOT DAY already, though it's barely mid-morning. Blue sky, heat-haze, sleeping dogs; sun flashing off every dreamily passing car. The local chippie's not open yet, else I'd be having breakfast from there (the chips really are wonderful). So I've been bumbling about the local shops like a bumble-bee, gathering ingredients for stuffed tortelloni with grated cheese and broccoli sprigs. Foreigners tend not to eat broccoli, so only one of the local shops, who seem to have a stock policy of "look at what the next one along sells and get that in too" even sell broccoli, the most superior of all greens (if you ask me). And yet every one of them has a Polish brand of coleslaw labelled Salata! and rank with flakes of what appear from the illustration to be salty, raw roll-mop herrings..!

I have so many things to do today (and not knowing quite what to do or how...)... I don't know where to start...

... And what else can I say..?

I hate Mondays. It's too hot! And I hate Monday mornings most of all!!

*go out in the midday sun...

PS: THIS picture reminds me of Baby Itchy Roborovski ~ jumping for joy! ~ when she used to escape ...


Jeannie said...

Nothing quite like the joy of a puppy.
Foreigners don't eat broccoli? How strange. As far as I know, everyone is supposed to eat broccoli here although there are those who don't like it. It's a staple in my fridge anyway, although it was never in my mother's.

Generally, there are no chips (or fries for that matter) available until the 11:00 lunch menus come up. In the morning, the only potatoes are hashbrowns or home fries - the little cubed potatoes which even though they are fried, don't seem the same as chips.

Puss-in-Boots said...

Oh for some hot weather!

As for broccoli...I love the stuff...especially with Hollandaise sauce...yummmm.

Gledwood said...

Jeannie: foreign-run grocers rarely if ever stock broccoli ~ a "sauce" of quite some consternation at my last but one home... Think of it, how many Middle Eastern/North African recipes can you think of that really NEED broccoli..? It goes yummy with stuffed pasta and cheese and many an other Europeanized dish... but foreign food...? I don't think so (most un4tunately...)

Puss-in-Boots: and you're writing from AUSTRALIA!!!~??!?!! Does it really get that cold on the Aussie mainland? I heard Melbourne can hit sub-zero in winters; is that correct..??!? If so how inconvenient, though I've never seen it on the official weather statistics...

No cut-up potatoes (inc. wedges) never are quite the same as chips, you're quite right...

mcDonald's really annoy me with their compulsory so-called "breakfast menu" up till 10:30 or so. Does ANYONE come in actually hoping for their idea of a poached egg..? Or anything else breakfasty? NO! Methinks they're compromising and too shy to declare "no! I came in for a lovely hamburger but I'm too unassertive to just turn on my heel and go!!" NO! In my opinion, McDonalds = hamburgers and nothing else ;->...

Syd said...

Good photo of the puppy and a nice reminder of Itchy. I hope that you get a pal for Spherical.

Akelamalu said...

I love this hot weather! I also love broccoli! I'd have both every day if I could! :)

Baino said...

I want your sunshine. And yes, it's horrible on the East Coast of Oz at the moment. Cold, wet and no respite in sight until next week. I'm even contemplating buying a clothes dryer since my lounge room looks like a Chinese Laundry!

Vincent said...

Bon apetit! :-)

Gledwood said...

Syd: But I'm not sure Spherical could stand the stress; they're not guaranteed to get on with any other pygmy unless born in the same litter or introduced at a very young age indeed ...

Akelamalu: I used to love hot weather ~ until blinkin' heroin addiction got me and all my heat-cold mechanisms became dysregulated... now every hot day's a sweating-like-a-swine fest. And on methadone it's even worse!

Baino: Ikea do a good fold-out metal one which holds one laundrette washload easily or two if tightly packed. A couple of them would make pleasantly light work of any family's washing requirements (as the brochure might say) ;->...

Baino: dank je wel!

Sarcastic Bastard said...

I love this post, Gleddy. The photos are terrific.

Love to you,


Gledwood said...

... and that hopping puppydog looks just like Baby Itchy Robbie (ha-ha!!)



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood