HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

A Paler Shade of Clean...

ALL SCANDAL has broken loose by my "daring" to walk out of an antidrugs seminar yesterday afternoon!

The officiators told Maple, my personal worker, that I seemed very depressed. And usually one to share so much saying so little. And then pinging out the door...

It is all made worse by my loudly complaining about mental health nondiagnostics from non-services that have been a total non-help when my life was in smithereens...

And as if just babbling can heal anything..?!?!

This is what gets me about the modern world. The idea that "therapy" (and presumably healing) can only be achieved by spewing rubbish through the mouth: even when one has nothing to share.

Maple said "hear hear" to that one, for she disagrees with the compulsoriness of public sharing in "psychological" contexts (e.g. anti-drugs workers' "we are superior professionals so let's stick together like a professional cabal" forum meetings) as well.

When I first came to my groups I made the mistake of assuming that most folks there would be from the same manner of past as me: decade or more long history of using; tried everything; needles; heroin addict and crack... Life swooshed totally down the lavatory pan. No! Some attendees, apart from regular toking on da 'erb have been messing around with crack for a few months and now wish to extricate from said problem. Nothing at all wrong with such determined, swift action. But it does rather clam me up from talk of overdosing, dead friends, dirty needles, life on the streets, begging, squats and so on.

Plus my fellow group attendees, not being "trusted" professionals, have signed nothing promising not to hear a juicy tale and go blabbing all around the area!

Of course I have not given up on giving up. If I had I'd not have thought to post anything like yesterday's lamentation. I'd simply have reverted (I suppose) to talk of syrupy brown gear dripping like honey from the spike-end of my junkie's poison darts... And so on...

Do you like my white tiger under water? They do love their daily swim...

*******



MICHAEL JACKSON: WILL THE speculations never end?

Not until quite a few multimillion-dollar juicy "all-exposing" bookdeals have been struck, I should suppose...

Today's allegations suggest Mr Jackson might not be biological father to any of those three curiously white children after all...

HERE'S A VIDEO I was watching the other day... found myself thinking: "Michael Jackson's with a black woman!" ("Supermodel" Naomi Campbell.) And not even realizing, till this short film "KEEP IT IN THE CLOSET" (allegedly co-voiced by Madonna, though I don't believe that) was nearly over [that he of course was black too!]...

[~ and the words in square brackets are those I missed out yesterday. DUR!!]


12 comments:

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Gleddy,
I love the tiger swimming under water. You always find the best photos.

I don't blame you about the sharing. If you don't want to share in group, then you shouldn't fucking have to!

Love you,

SB

Gledwood said...

TOO RIGHT!!

Syd said...

The tiger is cool. Stay cool Gled.

WAT said...

Of course those aren't his biological children. No way, for they look nothing like he used to when he was a child. It's so sad really. Michael just did not have sex or was capable of even having orgasms like a normal masturbatory male I believe.

I love IN THE CLOSET! WHAT A GREAT SONG! And the tiger swimming pic is too cute.

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sjAimee said...

I hate group therapy. I mean its either a bunch of lets hold hands and love each other or it makes you wish you had whatever it is you're trying so hard to not have even more..

sjAimee said...

not to mention if you weren't depressed going in you might be coming out!

Baino said...

GAH didn't realise the seminars involved 'sharing' . .can't you get some one-on-one time and as for 'blabbing' that's unforgiveable! Keep swimming tiger!

kelly Al-Saleh said...

Hey Gleds,

I deleted my comment with the email address so I hope you got it - I didn't get an email from you yesterday. I didn't want undesirables to get hold of me so had to delete it.

Hope I didn't freak you out by saying 'You're Great'. You put yourself down a lot and apart from being a nice person you also have a lot of skills and talent, more than the average person. I wasn't just saying it to be nice, it's just true whether you like it or not.

Anyway, about Christiane F. I've got the film (not dubbed, I couldn't bear that). I really want the book but it seems to be out of print and I've seen it sold for daft amounts of money!

Here are excerpts from the book. Enter the site then click on the numbers on the right hand side for whatever chapter you want to read:
http://winonacentral.tripod.com/unrelated/christiane-f/home-e.html

As you can speak German why don't you check out 'Stern' - who ran the original article on her.

Here's a link to a story about her last year:
http://www.spiegel.de/international/germany/0,1518,571323,00.html

Here's photos of the REAL Christiane (too many are of the film):
http://christiane.hurz.at/chrispics.html

xKelly

Gledwood said...

Syd: I'll try

Wat: when he was v little he had to share hotel rooms with his much older brothers who brought girls in. That experience is said to have put him off for life...

Aimee: Yes, absolutely correct!!

Baino: o yeah. That's why I find them so stressful. Really was not in mood for sharing. Would have listened. But not shared. No.

Kelly: I missed it! Sorry. We could try again tomorrow. I should be online around 10am and 5pm...

Anonymous said...

It is very interesting for me to read this article. Thanx for it. I like such topics and everything connected to them. I definitely want to read more on that blog soon.

Anonymous said...

By the way, buy GSM jammer to jam all spy transmitters in your room or office.

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood