HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Tuesday, June 02, 2009

My Peace Is Gone!

THIS is what drugs have done to me ~ as told in another favourite poem by Goethe. MY PEACE IS GONE:

Mein Ruh' ist hin,
Mein Herz ist schwer;
Ich finde sie nimmer
Und nimmermehr.
Wo ist ihn nich hab'
Ist mir das Grab,
Die ganze Welt
Ist mir vergällt.

Mien armer Kopf
Ist mir verrückt,
Mein armer Sinn
Ist mir zerstückt.

Meine Ruh' ist hin,
Mein Herz ist schwer;
Ich finde sie nimmer
Und nimmermehr...


This "lied" comes from Goethe's Faust "Gretchen am Spinnrade" (Gretchen at the spinning wheel). (Gretchen is Faust's fancy-piece...) In the play it is usually sung rather than recited and has been put to music eloquently by Schubert among others.

Here's a pretty accurate translation I dug up online:

My peace is gone,
My heart is heavy.
I'll never find peace,
ever again.
When he's not with me
It's like a tomb,
the world around
a bitter place.

My poor head
is turned upside down.
My poor senses
are torn apart.

My peace is gone,
My heart is heavy.
I'll never find peace,
ever again.

For him only, I look
out the window.
For him only, I go
out of the house.

His lofty bearing,
his noble air,
the smile on his lips,
the strength of his gaze,

his talk's
magic flow,
the touch of his hand,
and, ah, his kiss!

My peace is gone.
My heart is heavy.
I'll never find peace,
ever again.

My heart pines
for him.
Ah, if I could touch him
and hold him

and kiss him
all I wanted,
in his kisses
I would be lost.

My peace is gone.


You see they don't name the drug after a "heroine" for nothing ... the parallel between heroin addiction and a kind of love affair is highly pertinent ...

18 comments:

Syd said...

Wonderful poem. I see this as unrequited love. But can see how it would apply to any "passion".

Rita said...

Yes, I see what you mean - heroin, heroine! The attraction to someone and to something may lead to passion, addiction, slavery, sweet suffering and whatnot.

I posted pictures of furry little animals today and thought about your blog :)

Lou said...

I like your realistic view of heroin.

Gledwood said...

Syd: "heroin" is just "heroine" spelled out in German ~ if I remember correctly, it was originally patented by the Bayer pharmaceuticals company

Rita: hey ~ I will go and have a look ;->...

Lou: ah! But realism is in the eye of the beholder...

Gledwood said...

... but thanks for the compliment, Lou ...

Dean MArtin said...

Hi Glenwood, can you please drop me an email at Dean_Martin_Adams@hotmail.com I have a private matter that like to discuss!

Cheers,

Dean

Gledwood said...

i'm quite shite at emails (because I often fail to check my incomings) ~ but I did as you said, & hope to hear from you soon

;->...

kelly Al-Saleh said...

Hey Gleds,

'Golden Brown, fine a temptress, through the ages she's heading West...'

That song came on whilst in a cab on my way to my 1st meeting with Community Drugs Team for script. Spooked me right out!

I'll be pining by tomorrow. Last bit tonight then back to the old subs. Financially driven so it doesn't count. Lack of money isn't enough to make one commit to stopping, you've got to really want to and right now I'm so disenchanted it makes it bearable to be here so why would I stop? So, I'll stay off for a wee while to let my finances settle then... who knows... ;->

I was impressed by your knowledge of Fraktur. It was also a stand against the lefty modernists and Bauhaus crowd.

Hope your wee Spherical is doing well.

BTW, being a fellow Londoner I'll give u my moby; 07545 251405 for coffee, design books/dvds or just comisserations. Not had much luck with emails.

take care
xKelly

Cat said...

an old one and a good one!

Janice said...

Lovely old poem and I guess any kind of addiction can have a similar passion to it.

I heard on the news that Red Bull, that stuff that gives you wings, has cocaine in it. Just a smidgen but maybe that why you can fly?

Janice~

Puss-in-Boots said...

That's a very sad poem, Gledwood. Both because of the broken heart it portrays and that you said it describes heroin addiction so well. I guess you can be addicted to love, too.

Gledwood said...

Kelly: Thanks I SAVED that in my fone. I am a bit shy though ...

You know my email does work, I tried it yesterday. Try again hammynutter at the lycos address. Apparently I'm not meant to use an at sign else it will get spammed. I get the most amazing porn adverts in chinese (I know this bc I google translated some).

You're on subutex?... but surely you must have been fairly committed to switch on to that. I went on it for a time and couldn't handle the pain of switching back and forth (more to the point, of everyone THINKING I was more OK than I actually was...)

Then I overdosed massively a few times, not realizing how powerful the gear had got...

I do know how you feel :-/

Cat: aye!

Janice: yes it got banned across half of Germany for having too much coke residue in the "flavouring" leaves..!!

Puss-in-Boots: very much so. And keep getting hurt again and again in the process ...

kelly Al-Saleh said...

committed? not so sure about that. yes its a bummer waiting for the 12 hour window either way to do anything. I'd prefer methadone (which is what my GP put me on at the start) but daily pick-ups don't go well with a job that requires deadlines to be met. So took subs so I can pick up once a week only.

I'm super-shy so don't worry about it. I will try that email again.

take care for now.

ps. didn't want to mess your lily-white blank page.

xKelly

Gledwood said...

I wasn't saying I never want to talk to you ~ I did take the number.. but... do you get where I'm coming from? I have never broken out of the blog-bubble ~ ever for one thing ~ so what I'm saying is it would be better to start with emailing

when I was on subutex and secretly using on top, I found if I took the subbies at 7am, waited 2 hrs (for it totally to go in) then took a tiny tiny bit of gear, it seemed to cover the open receptors the subutex hadn't sheltered over

1st time I took it I was so ill ... it was unreal!!

Baino said...

Yeh you're shite at emails alright! I can imagine any unrequieted love poem working for addiction.

kelly Al-Saleh said...

Oh no Gleds! I didn't think that at all! I can totally understand. Who's to say I'm not a psycho? there are all kinds of weirdos in cyberspace. Seriously, I won't be offended if you never breached the virtual bubble.
It's totally up to you. The offer is there if you want it. Whether it's someone to chat to (I'm an addict and suffer clinical depression - though not bi-polar). You're interested in design and I've got loads of resources; books, dvd etc.
I was just offering my hand in friendship. People do get freaked cos often been disappointed in others. I've been let down lots of time cos people convinced me to have faith in them and I'm the sort of person who thinks 'why should I doubt them, I wouldn't do that to someone else so I can't imagine them doing it to me!' and then they do and it's a shock and let down. disappointment in humanity.

You got your own pals so prob don't need another one. I am genuine and quite together considering what I've been through. I'm a good listener and not at all freaked out by anything someone wants to tell me, if anything I feel honoured that they confided in me.
It was convenience (as we both live in London) and some way of sharing my design stuff.

Anyway, i won't be offended. it's an open invitation, any time. It is weird maybe but I was planning to hook up with our Shane when he pops over so I thought 'why not'
I totally understand the safety barrier of the internet/blog.

Re: Subs: You become an expert at planning around your body and opiate receptors. I did manage to stay off the b for a year but at that time, I had a pretty full life... most of all I enjoyed my career. I guess I felt b would take that away. That's it, you need to have something you love that b is a threat to. At the mo, I don't so b comes first. Case workers always think you're making excuses for yourself... maybe you are but i think it's usually the case that you're not there (at that stage) and you'll know only when you reach it, not before. maybe career will make a difference, maybe it won't be enough this time... who knows. Can only deal with one day at a time.

take care Gleds. please, you haven't offended me at all. I'm a very chilled person and take people as they are.

x Kelly

kelly Al-Saleh said...

Oh! before I forget. Check out the link below. It is for a website that you can actually design your own font online! Normally you have to buy the software (usually a few hundred quid for decent one), but here you just create. If you're using internet cafes (rather than computer at home) make sure you book enough time. I'm sure you can save your work to come back to later. Hope you find it interesting...

http://fontstruct.fontshop.com/

Gledwood said...

BAINO: I was really bad at checking them, I know. I'm trying to "remedy" that now... ooer.

KELLY: sorry I never replied over the weekend. Time ran out. Let me get back to you to reply PROPERLY this evening...

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood