HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, July 06, 2009

My Brains Have Turned To Prawns


(THOSE ARE SHRIMPS to you Western Hemespherites who don't understand our Old World language ...)

OK I know I'm repeating~repeating~repeating myself
(what changes) but my brains have turned to mush. From what? From too much Spanish, of course. All in an attempt "not to be lazy" I have been cramming the language into my head as if I had brains the size of Olympic swimming pools, which I do not.

In consequence most of it has splurged out again. I have an ooze of Spanish-word-paella trickling back out of my ears.

When will I ever be complete again? When will I ever sleep without dreaming (and Sueños, as in BBC Sueños World Spanish, means "dreams") ... without my sleep being piqued and punctuated by Spanish donkeys, por favors, Mexican heroin farms, more donkeys, great costas, people booking hotel rooms in polysyllabic gradually fading drivel ... and so on and so on.

Help me. Help me please! I am drowning in foreign words!!

PS Let me stress: I have never eaten a prawn in my life, except by accident. (And that one was disgusting.) And I never would. Prawns are UNCLEAN, rank sewerage-cleaners of the oceans and thus unfit for human consumption. And, might I add, every time people have mocked me for this belief and gorged THEMSELVES on all the prawn satay sticks THEY got food poisoning and I escaped it. So who had the last laugh THERE??

IT'S ALL GONE PETE TONG
THIS is why MOST young Brits go to Spain... specifically IBIZA!!
('Cept I wouldn't: I'm too ******* OLD!!)
PS You really do see great snaggletoothed furry monsters (as at 0mins 31; 2mins 16), if you do too much coke...




AND HERE'S A "BALEARIC" MUSICAL BREAK:

13 comments:

Merle said...

Hello Gleds ~~ Don't strain your brain too much with the Spanish
Take your time and just read some
and write down the words you know.

Thanks for your comments and I LOL when you said you liked the joke about drugs >Well I would, wouldn't I? I have read other items about the police coming to dig the garden up and then it's time to plant the potatoes. We do say Mum here in Australia, but
it was forwarded to me as Mom, so
I used that one. Take care,
Regards, Merle.

Gledwood said...

I've been spending a good 3 hours a day on it solid. And that's not counting going over and over it in my head as I walk down the street/etc... That's why I've such brain ache. Feels like my brains are splitting in half. I set myself an overambitious goal of trying ~ if I can do this ~ to get on a higher level course this autumn, one that does literature, poetry etc. If I can perfect everyday Spanish, talking about the weather, my family, giving directions, knowing how to shop etc., I'll be at the right level to give that a start in September, so this is what it's all about...

I think I'd have altered Mom to Mum just to be contrary!!

Akelamalu said...

Methinks you've got Spanish overload! I adore prawns and have never had food poisoning. You just wait I'll probably get it now for being cocky! LOL

WAT said...

If you need any help with your español, remember, I am only across the pond here. I'm fully fluent! Good luck to you, but yeah, don't overload yer brain either. Best time to study is before bed, so your brain can process all that good info while you snore...

Gledwood said...

Akelamalu: the nonfoodpoisoning thing's only happened twice but I remember both times people having a go at me for not eating them because they're "dirty bottom feeders". hmmmm....

Wat: muchas gracias!!

Syd said...

Shrimp are actually great. I've eaten a lot of them and never been sick. The ones we eat over here are headed and then "deveined". No problems.

Bimbimbie said...

Hola Senor Paella ears ... take a break or you'll get fed up and not want to go further.

And that's a yes ... the tropic of capricorn lies about 500ks above my head ;)

TerminallyUniq said...

I commend you on your endeavor...quite the opposite of lazy!!! I just love the way you capture what you're thinking or doing...keep writing...dunno why you haven't inked a book deal yet!

molson said...

You might change your opinion about prawns if you ever got a hold of some that Cajuns have worked their magic on.

Sweden said...

OMG i cant beleive u dont like shrimps!!!!!! i put them in tinfoil with white wine butter garlic and lemon juice and put them on the bbq for 10 min delicious!!! i guess u dont eat lobster or crab either then????

glewood what am i going to do with u u weirdo lol

btw i speak 4 languages fluently lol
it gets confusing sometimes like if i have a long talk with my mom over the phone in swedish and then have to switch to english right after with a friend it takes a few secdonds to think in english not swedish anyway blah blah whatever lol

Nellie said...

You're right, shrimpy's are dirty little scavengers, just like pigs - but they're still yummy. Isn't that just the way it is - all the best stuff in the world is the worst for us.

Puss-in-Boots said...

I don't care if prawns are bottom feeders. You haven't tasted a prawn until you've had one of our lovely Queensland ones on the barbecue in garlic butter...o-oh bliss. I've never had food poisoning from prawns either and over here, it's more because they haven't been stored properly in the heat. Like all meat and seafood, if they're not kept properly chilled then eaten fresh or immediately frozen, they're lethal.

Gledwood said...

Syd: well they sound a lot more hygenic than ours, which come with backside-sewerpipe still intact... but I'm not convinced...

Bimbimbie: is the tropic really up in the sky like you say? I thought it was an imaginary line where the sun shines from directly overhead in highest summer... is that right?

I did take (a bit of) a break. Somehow a lot of the Spanish managed to sink in over that time, so I can understand all the CD up to track 20 now without straining...

TerminallyU: book deal? if only... gotta write on 1st, I spose...

Molson: might... might not!...

Sweden: they say you don't "speak" a language till you dream in it... which means I speak Spanish already!!!

Nellie: precisely. Still don't wanna eat 'em tho!!!!

Pussinboots: hmmmm (still not convinced)

%-/

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

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