HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Round the Clock (+Poker Trotter Tubbester is Weary)

SUCH SEVERE EXHAUSTION yesterday I slept midday to five pm. Six pm to two am; three am to 8:30, all in all about 18 hours.

I was too exhausted to bother posting
this on the day.

I think Maple Syrup, my druggieworker, think I have a disease. I told her I have been like this for years. Years before heroin. It was the fact that heroin played the perfect antidepressant and seemed to give such energy and confidence to my exhausted soul that got me so hooked on it to start with...

Spherical Poker* Trotter Tubbester Roborovski says hello. When she is not wearily snoozing in her nest, she is quite perky as well...

* I'm not sure how "Poker" got to be in her name; Spherical has never been into cardgames ever in her short little life...


JUST AS I PREDICTED an exotic coctail of opioid narcotics and benzodiazepine hypnotics has been found in Michael Jackson's body. These included Dilaudid (hydromorphone), Vicodin (Oxycodone) ~ both powerful narcotic painkillers; fentanyl ~ said to be 50 times stronger than morphine ~ which is orindarily only giving to the terminally ill when morphine is no longer strong enough, methadone (given usually for opiate addiction as we know), Valium (diazepam) and Xanax (alprazolam), both benzodiazepine tranquillizers; Ambien (zolpidem) a new-style sleeping medication said to have fewer side-effects than traditional benzodiazepines... among others, according to several media reports.

The Sun newspaper even claimed that in the end he was begging doctors to knock him out for three days at a time on propofol (aka Dirpivan; click here for an informative write-up), an anaesthetic agent rarely used outside operating theatres and intensive care wards, a treatment he was initially given to relieve the pain (so the newspaper claims) of multiple skinpeel operations...

Michael "mummified by drugs" (People)

What with sister LaToya making claims that her brother was "murdered" by a greedy entourage in interviews for which she was paid by the notoriously cash-splash-happy British press (though none of this allegedly dodgy entourage, however, seems to have benefited in the slightest from his will) and anyone who knew him suddenly seeming to have a story to sell, just as I thought, the intrigue that surrounded the star all his adult life has only thickened after his death...



Yes this is real...


The world-famous comedy minidocu. This one's had over 5,000,000 hits on Youtube and no wonder ..!..

This one, incidentally is based on truth. Orb-web spiders (like our star) really were fed LSD in the 1950s. On low doses their webs became fantastically complexicated and beautiful. At higher doses the spiders' brains fried and they spun nothing more than a formless sticky blob ...


Baino said...

I was only saying to Clare tonight that the more 'time poor' I am the better organised I am. Maybe busying yourself will get those circadian rhythms in order. I've seen the spider experiment with caffeine and has he same effet!

Syd said...

Spherical is really cute. I hope that she will stay healthy and that you will too my friend.

Anonymous Drifter said...

That hornet video totally freaked me out! I'm terrified of them!

Akelamalu said...

Sorry to hear you're so exhausted m'dear.

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

I can't look at the spider video, Gleds! Goodness me. Where do you think Jacko was getting it, then? Methinks we ain't seen nothin' yet - wait for the squabbling over his possessions!

Puss-in-Boots said...

I wasn't surprised about the results of the autopsy on Michael Jackson, either, Gleds. Poor tormented soul, I hope he's in peace now.

Jeannie said...

I love my Canadian documentaries - these would come on tv as filler back when I was little. They weren't nearly this amusing though.

Gledwood said...

Baino: I hope so.

Syd: ta

AnonymousDrifter: the person who "adopted" it stole it from the wild and keeps it in that box which it thinks is home because of pheromones... and hand-feeds it daily

Akelamalu: hopefully it will just go away again. What does my head in is sleeping most of the day then ALL NIGHT on top...

Gledwood said...

Welshcakes: aye. I read a biography of MJ and when a relative died he and his siblings raided the house for all the jewellery etc they could get before probate and other grabbers got their hands on it... which is why I believe press reports of similar happening to HIS home. "He surely would have wanted it" ~ and I actually believe that...

Pussinboots: "the dead know nothing" ~ to quote the Bible

Jeannie: as amusing as...??... the spiders and hornets? good!



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood