HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Stomach Cramps

I AM GOING TO BUY one of those inverted cone-shaped coctail glasses, marachino cherries and little umbrellas. I changed chemists and the new methadone tastes so good it has to be worth celebrating. Also at 100mg at 1mg/1ml I get to knock back loads and loads of it...

Apart from that I feel ILL. Maybe it was the conversation next to me as the pharmacist messed about not getting the methadone quick enough ~ about birthing pools etc. But I was convinced if it didn't come fast enough I would have to rush out in the street and be sick. Not from withdrawals (and if it were withdrawals methadone isn't the quickest fix anyhow; it takes well over an hour to have any real effect). But from ... I don't know ... some inner stomach cramp thing. Well it's not as if I could be pregnant too. By the way the new chemist does pregnancy tests in packs of FOUR. What kind of a .... ??

Well I'll hold my peace.

I woke up with this music swirling out of the radio.

... by the way I made a home-made bread roll last night (didn't have enough flour to make any more than one). Do you think that's what made me ill? I used value white self-raising, put it in for 20 mins at 200C. It came out a bit stodgy in the middle...



PS Methadone (here) is green not red.

PPS Have a look at my giant hornets (yesterday)...

8 comments:

Mizpeh said...

Говорите ли български?

Akelamalu said...

You can't make bread from self raising flour Gleds, you need strong bread flour and yeast! No wonder you feel ill.

Puss-in-Boots said...

Sorry Gleds, I think you've given yourself stomach cramps with that bread. Wrong flour. Self raising doesn't do it. Proper bread flour, yeast and kneading, raising, kneading again...and so on. It's time consuming but well worth it.

Fishwhiskers said...

well, gleddie, put it that way ... it filled a gap :) probably didnt start raising until it was in ur stomach :) hope u feel better xxx

Sweden said...

for how long have you been sober now gledwood? it must be hard for you, how long did u do heroin for?

and did you get any new hamsters?
why not get a rat they are so sweet and smart and cute.

personally i am still doing mass amounts of oxys i just bought 15 of the 80's the other day, i sinmply dont feel like quitting anytime soon. im having fun. lol

Nellie said...

Gleds - What flavor is that green methadone? Apple, mint? The red we have is cherry and there's orange here too but that just tastes like medicine.
lately I've been getting em in pills too. I actually like those better.

Gledwood said...

Mizpeh: Bulgarian? No way!

Akelamalu: really? Why not? I've done cakes that way... a cake...

I thought they were saying you need expensive (on the packet) just to rip more money out of you...

PussInBoots: I found out for 1 thing you need to let the wet or damp flour stand for 15 mins for the water totally to soak in... to the "dough" as they call it (I call it a wet floury slop...)

Fishwiskas: didn't start raising till in my stomach..? Seriously..??

Katrina: I'm not as sober as I'd like. I do 2 or 3 individual days a week without heroin but it creeps in somehow to every other whether I wake up intending "to" or not...

No new hamsters. Spherical would detest the company. She's too old and tubby (actually losing weight if the truth be told...)

Have you got a habit on those oxycondom things then?... How do you take them? I heard you can crush them up and snort... or do you inject..?

Nellie: I wish I could have methadone pills. Fed up of all that sweet water swilling around... at least it has alcohol and a chloroform/ether taste that I really love... It just tastes of "medicine" the type you'd secretly have loved to drink the entire bottle of as a child...

Syd said...

It sounds like an unpleasant experience to have stomach cramps. I've had those a few times. Not a good place to have that on the boat.

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood