HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Wednesday, July 01, 2009



En route back from my daily pharmacy jaunt, I was so dripping in sweat and amphibiously damp I must've looked like I'd showered fully dressed. Nasty business!

I was NEVER like this until those nasty opiates took hold. And I blame methadone as much if not more than heroin. It makes a mess of certain internal regulatory systems concerning heat/cold etc etc. Hence my public "sweating like a swine" episode earlier on...

As a little boy, I found out I was growing up in what my Mum called a "cold country". And that our most glorious summer days were actually quite sedate and cool and nothing to be impressed by compared to most of the rest of the world's summer highs.

What she didn't point out, and I didn't realize till far far later was that, being situated quite far north, England's summers are blessed with a length of day quite unknown to the less temperate zones in the vastness of most of the rest of the world. As a little doot aged seven or eight, I remember playing out long past 10pm in broad daylight.

For some reason ~ to do with the earth, the sun, their orbits and axes ~ every hotter part of the planet I've ever been to seems to experience universal violet-tinged sunsets that close rapidly down barely much later than 6pm!

The temperature in Central London was about 28C ~ that's 82.4F. The press call this a heatwave though the Government seems loath to agree.

Nothing here is designed for such heat. The buses are such muggy sweltering sweatboxes that riding upstairs is like a form of torture. In olden days they had sensibly-fitted push-open windows right up front, so air could circulate to maximum efficacy. Not today! Barely-functional side slits like vents on a kiln as we roast in our own sweat. With lovely views of stately suburbs on each side!

I got back REALLY wanting a bath ~ an impossibility, as there isn't one ~ or at least a lukewarm shower. Which had some possibility, if only the "hot" might for once be running. Only in the highest of 100 degree F high summer would I even consider going under COLD-only. The pipes are buried so deep it's like showering in icewater... Anyway so I was hoping for HOT to be running: and it was! So at last I feel really lovely and clean. Wahey!

I'm learning Sueños World Spanish from the BBC (and courtesy of the public library: oh how not having a ticket for ten years has held me back!)
~ Fantastic!

PS CHRISTIANE F: whoever "CrazyXXGirlPIA" is who posted it up had subtitling problems, so you can see the entire movie in English but only AFTER part one (of twelve). If you'd like to view such a gritty sad story in its Teutonic entirety, click here.

The picture's lousy, but this acapella performance is something else...


Sweden said...

gledwood follow me on my blog im so lonely i only have 2 followers LOL!!!!!!!!

there is a garbage strike in toronto right now day 8 and its not fun, garbage everywhere and it stinks and we got flies maggots raccoons squirrels and rats everywhere lol

Syd said...

It is hot here, 93 F today and in the 90's all week. The humidity is high so it is more miserable because of that. I would like a day at 82 F. But the difference is that everything here is over airconditioned. It is actually cold in some buildings.

Lesley said...

I was on a bus just a couple of days ago and still someone moaned about an open window. She said the draught was going right down her back! Lol, there's always one.

Baino said...

I know what you mean about England not being prepared for heat. Much like we're lost in the cold! Bit of trivia for you, swine don't sweat, that's why piggies like mud, it regulates their temperature! Get a fan, they're great!

Sweden said...

i WISH we had a heatwave in toronto, right now its raining and about 16 degrees uughhhh the summer so far has been pure shit im so mad we have such a long terrible cold winters and i was so looking forward to sunshine but not much of that and its july terrible i tell ya, why did i leave the beautiful country of sweden to live here why oh why

and gledwood please dont post anymore terrible pictures of abuseed animals i am STILL thinking about that poor donkey lol

molson said...

28 deg C sounds nice to me. Was only 21 deg C for a high today here in the heart of the Rust Belt. Going down to 12 deg C for a low tonight. That's rather chilly for July, but I will take that over the 30 deg C plus days that typically come this time of year.

Anonymous said...

where i live.. its HOT & humid.. we've been hitting 104/105F for days. Humidity gets close to 100% I really think I live in the middle of hell.. hell must certainly be cooler than this..

kelly Al-Saleh said...

kellyalsaleh at tiscali DOT co DOT uk

kelly at haywards DOT me

Puss-in-Boots said...

I can understand how 28C would be hot for you, it's hot for NZers, too. But that's an autumn temp here, very pleasant without being scorching. We can get up to over 40C on a warm day...that's warm. The airconditioner even struggles with that.

Jeannie said...

As Sweden says, we've been cold and wet the last couple days. But it was hot enough last week that my oldest got himself some heatstroke working with the crew. But he's an indoor guy - never handled heat well.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Glad you got your cool shower. I hate to be sweaty.

It's unseasonably cool here in Ohio. I have a sweater on today. It's nice to not have to close the house up in order to have the airconditioning on.

I wish you a break in the hot weather and a wonderful weekend.

Much love,


Lou said...

I have been meaning to watch Christiane F. On Netflix it's only available in German or a badly subtitled version. I know enough German, I think I can understand it.

Christiane is now straight and a writer and film producer. She "shot" to fame.

Lou said...

I can't find an email for you..hope this link works, I thought of you first thing when I saw it


Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

That is not a heat wave to me. It is normal temperatures for this time of year and by August one can add 10 or so degrees for "normal." When one included the relatively high humidity here in the Ohio River Valley, the "feels like" temperature is up by 3 to 8 degrees.

That said, I understand how uncomfortable your "heat wave" must be whrn it is so abnormal. Showers are good; air conditioning is much better!

Stay cool, my friend!

Gledwood said...

Kat'rina: I did I'm following you! I have similar garbage probs with the local council NOT providing wheelie bins like they did in the other place. Rubbish must be either left indoors where it stinks, or put outside to be torn open by foxes. Lovely!

Syd: our supermarkets are freezing... isn't it true America spends more money COOLING down in summer than heating up in winter?? That's crazy!! Couldn't they build in stone for one thing, that would make houses way way cooler. Also you can use a simple fan surely. Or is it really that unbearable?... I don't know I've never been so you'll have to enlighten me...

Lesley: some people! Aye!!

Baino: aye yer right about them piggies!!

Molson: that's VERY chilly... but were you up a pika-filled mountaintop..??

Aimee: that sounds unbearable!

Gledwood said...

Kelly: thanks I sent one!! Did you get it??

Pussinboots: 40C sounds most inconvenient. I think it was like that when I went to Madras once in southern india. It was December but exCEEDINGLY hot. Very very very VERY hot indeed!!

Jeannie: An indoor guy? I'm turning into that...

SB: it's not TOO unbearable... apart from the footmushrooms (ahem!). Showers we have to wait till evening for. Water's never on in morning. No idea at all why...

Lou: ok I'll try... Can't report back till tomorrow. At terminal about to be terminated for want of more TIME ~ aha!

Nick: that sounds very inconvenient where you live!

Are you in the Mississippi?

Sweden said...

OHHHH foxes come to yer garbage that is SO CUTE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i want wild foxes in my backyard all i get it rats squirrels and raccoons i LOVE raccoons LOVE them

Gledwood said...

I thought North America had far more wildlife than we have here. Everything we get you get too, only polar bears, racoons and coyotes in addition... o yeah you regularly see foxes trotting down the rd at 4 in the morning with chinese chicken hotwings in their snouts ~ the theiving swines!

Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

Nope. I'm not in Mississippi. I'm several hundred miles north on the border between Kentucky and Indiana.

I don't think that I could stand to live in Mississippi heat. It's difficut enough where I am.

Gledwood said...

AMERICA sounds like an unbearable country to live in... no wonder they spend more on cooling off in summer than keeping warm in winter..!



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood