HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, July 20, 2009

Free Drinks Galore!

THE MORNING AFTER lots of other people's night before I went out a-wondering at 6am and what should I find but two full bottles of vodka-lemonade mix plus a pint glass sitting on a bollard. No urine or fag-ash to be detected; the contents proved to be vodka-ated sweet cyder. Yum-yums!

I was half-cut all through Friends and Hollyoaks on Sunday morning.

That's the problem, dwelling far out in the twee suburbs. it's not like Desperate Housewives land (London doesn't really have Wisteria Drive-style suburbs; we do have a lottery winners' equivalent or multimillionaires' row ~ far from the stately squares of Mayfair ~ Belgravia ~ Kensington & Chelsea or the Avenues of Holland Park (Holland Park: double-fronted detached houses, outsized bay windows, high ceilings. Ultra-leafy gardens... is where I'd situate my London residence if I won a multi-rollover on the Euromillions lottery...)... far from these places and round the corner from the media-centric Champagne Socialist heartland of Hampstead ~ famous for its heath, the biggest patch of uncultivated land anywhere near London "proper"... London's tasteless multimillionaires' row, Bishops Avenue is packed with the kind of Hollywood Wives style homes that look like if you stood outside and sneezed the front wall would blow in...

That's Bishops Avenue for you... Anyway: how did I get on this subject? Oh yeah you hardly ever make decent finds by way of food ~ alcohol ~ drugs on the streets where I am now ...

Where I used to live it was kebab-city. I'm very partial to a decently chargrilled shish. On Saturday nights the local rubbish bins used to be brimming with them. Newly discarded. Barely touched. And vomit-free too for the most part. Noshing down these, you could eat like a king! (Well, a homeless drug-addict King ...)

I cut my hair again, while I was still half-cut. It was looking like an unpleasant cloud of horribleness thundering round my head. Two thirds of it has come off. There it lays next to the television set, glistening in its slick chestnutness, shimmering with streaks of gold. You might think some expensive shampoos and hair products achieved this. But no! It was value frequent-wash with-conditioner (or more to the point Nature) that achieved it. Shampoo adverts are a load of Bullenscheiße, as the Germans would put it.

Glancing in the mirror this morning I was confronted by the image of an escaped mental patient staring back. But I'm keeping it this way, at least till tomorrow afternoon. Because I need to go to the council and make a good excuse why some benefits forms weren't returned a month-and-a-half ago... Wish me luck!

Cheers everyone! (Ching-ching!!) I hope yous all had a cheery weekend too!!


BIG BROTHER Classic Tasks ~ Electric Shocks!
THIS clip is hilarious.
1} The shockers you see going off here are apparently used in high-tech S&M games...
2} You'd think Rex (in gold) would have troubled to wear underwear on national television...
3} I've heard feminists telling me loads of times that women have higher pain thresholds than men. So how come two women ~ and one a lesbian at that ~ gave up totally!! "I'm not having that on my arse for two hours," said Lisa.
Noreen, the pretty one, was up for eviction this weekend but stayed in ~ huraah! Lots of people don't like her because she had two men and a lesbian after her at different times over the seven weeks and handled it badly. But I like Noreen. I don't think she has done anything else except be herself
...




DUR!: AND I was wondering what made me feel sick on Saturday morning... of course... it was CELINE DION~!!

9 comments:

Gledwood said...

Awww... Noreen ("Noirin" if you wanna "proper" spelling...) the one in gold you see before it starts. Noreen Noreen Noreen... Everybody loves Noreen %-}...

Akelamalu said...

I'm presuming the bottles were still sealed? You do take some chances Gleds, I worry about you.

Syd said...

I don't pick up used stuff unless it is furniture that can be restored. Got a really nice double pedestal table that way.

Sweden said...

to answer ur question i crush them up and snort them then if i take too many i puke for 15 min and then feel better lol i guess u can say im addicted yes

Baino said...

Gawd rummaging in rubbish! That's awful. If you can afford heroin, you can afford cheap and healthy food. You used to enjoy cooking not scabbing! I wish you were closer, I'd bring you leftovers. Did I tell you that after the last season Big Bro has been cancelled out here. Total lack of interest.

Puss-in-Boots said...

I'm not into those reality programmes, especially Big Brother, it was a load of absolute crap.

As for your "finds"...yuk.

Nellie said...

Alcohol seems cool because it will kill a lot of germs...and especially if it was sealed, not so bad. I'm pretty picky though,and around here it's easy to find free meals. For a while we had a pizza place that would give out free slices to people if they said they had no money. Not unexpectedly, they went out of business, mostly though I think it was because the employees gave out more than just slices a lot of the time.
Honestly, about the Methadone here in states, I never bothered to ask @ potency ratios but next time I go to buy my liquid I'll look at the kids bottle. I know people who claim to shoot it but I'm not so sure. I never have and never would. Like you said, it's goopy. The only thing it's good for in my opinion is taking orally when you're trying not to use real dope.

Vincent said...

Hey mate, don't forget to clean up the hair!

WTF are they doing in BB? Crazy...

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Gleddy,
I HATE Celine Dion. God, is she nauseating!

Love you,

SB

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood