HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Thursday, October 01, 2009

Bus Driver Row*!




I WAS UNFORTUNATE ENOUGH to take the bus today. A bus that got snarled up in traffic for what felt like half an hour but must have been about ten minutes at ONE set of traffic lights. Itchiness of feet and Egyptian-tomb-like claustrophobia were eating into me so bad I felt I couldn't take another moment on this thrumming sardine-tin torture machine. So I very nicely asked the driver if he would let me out. But the old moustached petrol tanker exploded on me "What? Let you out here? In the traffic? With quite possibly an undercover instructor on board??"

YES!

No. So I skulked back shamefaced. Not to my seat, but to the second set of doors (it was an ultra-long bendy bus) where I attempted emergency door open ~ something I only ever used (recently) when three massive inspectors bounded on and I hadn't got a ticket ~ but that's another story... Anyway the bastard OVERRRODE the door opener, which is inside an openable plastic case ~ and you have to be tall to reach up so heaven help you in a multi-vehicle pile-up if you're short of stature!

Having accepted the doors would not open for me I irritatedly took to flicking through one of my Kraut-magazines. Only for said driver to interrupt my "peace" (the kind of peace a pot has when it's boiling over, I have to say) with "I saw what you tried to do!" and threats to call the police.

If I'd had TIME to deal with constables I'd have gladly argued my case (it's not a "breach of the peace" to open a door, is it! And what crime can it possibly be? If I'm desperate enough to open a door in full (motionless) traffic, surely it's my lookout if I'm going to get run-down.) But anyway we were at a stop and the bus driver continued haranguing me. And saying "You're lucky I'm in a good mood"~!! So I told him to f*** off. And regretted it. I actually wished I'd told him I wished he would crash. That would probably get to a bus driver more. Then I thought about it and wished I'd kept my face blank, my mouth shut and merely risen above it all with quiet dignity... but hindsight is an awfully great teacher ...

*I believe our friends across the "Pond" don't use the word "row", which rhymes with cow and means a verbal altercation ... is this true..?

~~American Heritage book of English Usage definition of "row" ...

14 comments:

Gledwood said...

Nobody loves me
Everybody hates me
Going to the garden to eat worms
Big fat juicy ones
Tiny little squiggly ones
Watch them wriggle and squirm

Bite their heads off
Suck their juice out
Throw their skins away
I don't see how birds can live on
Worms three times a day

Nobody loves me
Everybody hates me
Going to the garden to eat worms
Long thin slimy ones
Short fat juicy ones
Gooey, gooey, gooey, gooey, worms

Long thin slimy ones slip down easily
Short fat juicy ones stick
Short fat juicy ones stick between your teeth
And the juice goes slurp, slurp, slurp

lime said...

well, that sounds like a thoroughly unpleasant experience.

to answer your question, across the pond here in the US we do occassionally use the word "row" to indicate a verbal quarrel, however, when we use it the word rhymes with low rather than with cow. i suppose when you rhyme it with low it only mean to propel a boat by oars?

Jeannie said...

We don't use "row" at all here where I live - except for people from England. There are actually quite a lot of differences in the language culture. This summer with the boys over from Ireland, I discovered that we use a number of phrases that are incomprehensible as well.

Crazy that he wouldn't let you off. You should have told him you were having a panic attack being closed in.

And telling him to fuck off was exactly what I'd have done. It's not clever and it's ineffective as an insult but it makes you feel somewhat better to have said it.

Akelamalu said...

You should have told him you are agoraphobic and likely to explode and appeared manic - I bet he'd have opened the doors then!

molson said...

I've heard the term row used in the States, but not often. Even had the correct pronunciation. I think I would have wanted off the bendy bus too if I were in your shoes. No one should have to ride on a bendy bus... anywhere. Fortunately there are no bendy buses anywhere near my abode. In fact there are no buses at all, but no matter, the village is small and one can walk or bike anywhere. Yes they call my little town a village. Now if you want to get to the neighboring town, you are SOL without a car as it would be a pretty good walk. No matter though, the village has all anyone needs to exist so I do a lot of walking in the village.

Gledwood did you really tell the bendy bus driver to f***k off? Wow. You must have been in a right bad mood. See that's what bendy buses do to people.

Syd said...

Yes, row is a word to describe an altercation over here, as in they had quite a row.
But I would rather row with the team than have a row with them.

lime said...

ok, checked with another word-wise pal and he said he uses "row" as you have described and with your pronunciation. i've only heard the usage i described but that could be a regional thing or maybe just my ignorance and the ignorance of those around me. how's that for entirely lacking in any definitive answer?

Hitz4U said...

Hi, if there's a next time just go right up close - and ask Herr Driver to give you some fresh air (and a bucket!) as you're feeling a little queasy! You'll be off the bus before you've finished the sentence - guaranteed! (Oh, and he'll probably tell you to f...off!)

Best wishes for your endeavours. What wasted potential. You can hit the real heights - not the false and failing 'highs' - when you defeat the cruel, faithless old tart who keeps you at her beck and call! From what you've said, that Madam Heroin has already turned on you, and your loyalty is misplaced. Her and her kind, ALL of them, rob you blind, steal your life (all that you are and can be) and leave you for dead - or dead. You know it - we all do.

You're a man - show her the door. You're strong. Tell her to F... OFF for good, and take the rest of her trollops with her! MONDAYS? STAY AWAKE AND WRITE! Don't hold back!

With you in spirit,
Hitz4U

Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

I certainly know what a row that rhymes with cow is. I have experienced many of them.

From my viewpoint, you were being detained against your will and I see that as a crime.

Lucinda said...

I've had some nasty experiences with bus drivers, simply because I wasn't used to the bus system in their area. But, usually, my friends and I lie and get on to the bus for free, so I can't complain that much.
= )
I only use the metro in Paris though, the bus system seems far too confusing.

Gledwood said...

That's fascinating information everyone thanks v much. I never took the bus in Paris either Luce btw have you got to recognize at least 3 professional street beggars yet?

Bimbimbie said...

Oh poor old you ... I used to sing that worm song too. I would have said I was going to be sick and had to get off NOW*!*

Baino said...

Cheer up. It's done and dusted. Next time just tell the driver you're violently ill and you need to get off.

Gledwood said...

Yes I'm definitely going to use the ill excuse next time

;->...

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































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