HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Sunday, October 25, 2009

One Hour Extra Free


THE CLOCKS WENT BACK LAST NIGHT, giving me one hour extra free in bed. An hour, to be honest I could have done without on a dank and stagnant Sunday but there we go. So I stayed up extra late making out intricate Japanese motifs on notepaper to the sounds of NDR North German radio and the all-night interactive casino (how on earth did that ever get allowed?!) on Channel 5. I finally went to bed at 7:30am in the new time and rose at 3pm.

DOES NO-ONE like my axolotls? I'm scrapping Fridays on Saturdays, blobberous, furry, fishy or otherwise if that's how little they're liked: I had just one comment last time I checked!

IT WASN'T RAINING last time I checked ~ but any excuse to bring up my favourite Japanese character. "Ame" ~ it means rain. How poetic!

And now I have to vanish into the wintry night. Cheery-bye all!

10 comments:

GLEDWOOD said...

IT WASN'T RAINING last time I checked ~ but any excuse to bring up my favourite Japanese character. "Ame" ~ which means rain. How poetic!

If I wasn't just bout to be terminated for lack of time I'd alter the awkward phrasing but too late ...

HOPE Y'ALL HAD A CHEERY WEEKEND
LOVE FROM
GLEDWOOD
XXXX XXX

molson said...

Don't worry about the # of comments Gledwood. Post whatever you want to ramble on about. It's all good.

molson said...

The Japanese written language looks like art compared to a boring alphabet, but my simple mind can't handle anything so seemingly complex. It might not really be that complex, maybe it's just my ignorance that makes it so. However, it would be fascinating to be able to visit Japan and at least be able to carry on a conversation in Japanese. To me Japan is a country of such wonderful contrasts with a mix of modern society with bullet trains and traditions that go back more than a thousand years. It is also needless to say I would love to hike in the mountains in Japan. That would be great fun indeed. I'm just not sure how I would ever make such a thing happen.

Janice said...

I woke up to hubby walking through the door, "your home early."

"No I'm home at the usual time."

I looked again. "Its just after six."

"No its not, it seven."

Fall back for us wasn't suppose to happen till the first of November because of pres, Bush.

Me and hubby are confused, to say the lest.

Janice~

Janice said...

I woke up to hubby walking through the door, "your home early."

"No I'm home at the usual time."

I looked again. "Its just after six."

"No its not, it seven."

Fall back for us wasn't suppose to happen till the first of November because of pres, Bush.

Me and hubby are confused, to say the lest.

Janice~

Gledwood said...

MOLSON: I know... I have seen some blogs (I jumped into them by chance) whose keepers update them faithfully every day and NOBODY AT ALL leaves any comments there, so I ought to count myself lucky...

... as for Japanese writing, I found it exceedingly funky. It is "the most complicated writing system on earth"... but having said that you can learn to write in it far quicker than you would Chinese, because not every word demands unique characters.

By the way I found reading and writing Japanese with its over 2000 basic symbols far EASIER than Hebrew with just 22 consonants and no vowels!

JANICE: the clocks went back everywhere all at once then... that's weird. A sign of the times we live in I suppose. I only knew because GERMAN radio I happened to be listening to put out a warning shout, then I realized a TV programme "on till 4am" would have finished 10 minutes ago if we were in old time... yes it appears I'm the 2nd slowest person after you ~ haha!

Gattina said...

One hour difference I don't even realize, only my cats do ! lol !

WAT said...

Clocks already went back in Britain ey? I had no idea. We're supposed to go back here this coming Sunday, the 1st of November I guess.

Syd said...

Great weekend here. We turn back the clocks on Nov. 1 over here.

Anonymous said...

Greetings :) I like the character for rain very much. It is like looking out of a window at rain when the wind is blowing! Also I love how axolotls are salamanders that do not want to grow up - like Peter Pan. So cute pictures!
Nayeli

Nizhoni xxx xxxx

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

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