HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, October 19, 2009

Japanese Books

日本語の本を買いました
FINALLY, AFTER A LONG TIME MESSING AROUND THIS MORNING I actually "alighted" in London's wormlike mass of underground railway tunnels to emerge by Russel Square, where the intellectuals hang out.
There I raided the academic bookshops for irritatingly hard-to-get-hold-of tomes on the Japanese writing system. I didn't buy everything that looked any good, by any means. One particularly tubby hardback ~ priced at $59.99 American they wanted £59.99 in sterling (typical).

Here of course I could actually leaf through, rather than relying on some Amazon customer having posted a descriptive review... It may be 2009 but I'm still pretty technophobic in that way... So, being able to see just what they were like, I immediately I cast aside several "workbooks" full of empty squares for the student supposedly to practise writing for him/herself. How patronizing! Haven't these publishers heard of blank exercise books? I chose my purchases to a formula of usefulness-versus-cost and bought (if you are interested):

Easy Kanji: A Basic Guide to Writing Japanese Characters by Fujihiko Kaneda (McGraw-Hill) £7.99
and
Kanji and Kana: A Handbook of the Japanese Writing System by Wolfgang Hadamitzky and Mark Spahn (Tuttle) £16.99. Tuttle publish lots of useful books on the Japanese language.

The first of these shows how the characters actually look when written by a Japanese hand, but only covers about 250 of them; the second explains the entire Japanese writing system including the 46 hiragana, 46 katakana (other authors have written entire volumes on each of these, but if you really need two whole books on how to use 92 phonetic symbols I don't think you're going to get far with Japanese very quickly...) The majority of the Hadamitzky-Spahn book covers the 1945 basic kanji, which are Chinese-derived characters. Most have at least two readings. Some have seven or eight or more. Every character is written out large with numbers showing the order of strokes. If you learn these wrong, your writing is never going to look very authentic.

The third book cost £8.50 secondhand and was called A Beginner's Dictionary of Chinese-Japanese Characters and Compounds by A Rose-Innes (Yoshikawa publishing, Yokahama; no copyright date is given but it looks pretty ancient ~ possibly 1920s or earlier...)

So all in all I blew £33.48, but I won't be short of stuff to doodle. Of course I checked the German sections as well but couldn't find the novel I wanted to plough through next: Die Velorene Ehre der Katharina Blum by Heinrich Böll (The Lost Honour of Katharina Blum) ~ a tale of trial by media in iron-curtain times...

And then I bought Stern magazine, and then I was broke. And went home at the beginning of the rush hour, so was shocked to get a seat the entire way...

... by the way, just as I was about to get on the train at St Pancreas, Valium Marilyn phoned me saying the Greek crackhead witch had stolen £20 and her mobile phone off her on Saturday afternoon (what a surprise). She pretended not to know anything about totally ignoring me because she'd got a better offer but that's druggies for you. Marilyn says she's going to sit across the road from the witch's doorstep and pounce as soon as she parks her broomstick...

Illustrated: The Hadamitzky-Spahn book; the Kaneda book; hiragana ~ used mostly for Japanese word-endings; katakana ~ used for onomatapoeic and foreign words and names (Gledwood is グレドヲード ~ Guredowodo); Tokyo by night: Japanese writing at its funkiest...

8 comments:

Akelamalu said...

You're not going to blog in Japanese are you? LOL

Changedit said...

Gleddie, I have got 'Die verlorene Ehre der Katharina Blum' and you can have it. How will I get it to you though? Still havent heard from you email-wise. xxx

Liz said...

Surely reading through one of those books would be enough to send you to sleep! I am in awe of your determination to be multi-lingual - and such difficult languages at that!

That cardboard-box-jumping cat is quite cute!

Gledwood said...

Akelamalu: No but I have a Japanese blog ...!

Fish: I was expecting a mail and never found one... let me look through more carefully.

Yes I would love that book, thanks!

Liz: poring over the Japanese dictionary has actually kept me awake for hours on end ... "I wonder what this looks like... I wonder whtat that looks like ..."!!

Gledwood said...

グレドヲードの日本のブログ

"Guredowodo-no Nihon-no burogu" :

Gledwood's Japanese Blog


at

http://gledwoodnihon.blogspot.com

Gledwood said...

My name should actually be romanized:

Guredowōdo ~ macron over the second O signifying a long vowel ... which is what the "-" shaped kana means: a vowel-doublelengthening ...

sally in norfolk said...

Janpanese....... and I am struggling with school girl french :-(

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

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Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

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