HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Ridiculously Self-Deceptional Drug Meeting

MY WORKER WANTED ME TO GO to a "how to survive without drugs" meeting... so I went. I wasn't too happy about going, but I went, and endured a random collection of people's bullenscheiße for over an hour.

A fat black man, who looked just like the one pictured, and appeared to believe he was better than any of us, opined on how he "didn't see himself as a heroin addict" and so had been reluctant to get scripted on methadone... and "just wanted to get into treatment" (ie rehab)... and acted out in the most childish way putting on "I'm bored" and pretending-to-be-asleep faces as the rest of us banged on about drugs. One retired prostitute asked him whether he really thought he was ready for rehab and he insisted yes. Then the invigilator queried at the end how the session had been for him and he said "You know people moaning on and on about drugs ~ does my head in. I just want to be in treatment."

So I interrupted him and said: "In treatment this is all anyone talks about!"

And he did that assertive thing: "I thought it was my time to talk..." and "I have been in treatment."

I shrugged my shoulders and wondered why I bothered trying to point out to a bullshyter the diarrhoea he was spewing...

Which is one reason I've had enough of meetings like that ~ I'm fed up of hearing 1: people talking shyte in general and 2: thick junkies thinking they will somehow impress the rest with tales of the "kilo" of their "100% pure dope" they had to flush when police came knocking. Yawn yawn YAWN!

LATER ON TODAY there was a row in my local shop between a Turk (behind the counter) and some random other foreigner. About a woman (also a foreigner) who the random other foreigner had allegedly shouldered in front of.

The Turkish shopkeeper put the male customer right in direct terms. The customer replied that his language was "too strong". As a native speaker of English I can confirm that the shopkeeper's language was direct but in no way rude, but I just bit my tongue. I'm fed up of hearing one ethnic group despising/riling/slagging off/being offended by the other... and then hearing talking heads on the ten o'clock news telling us (or implying to us) that whites are the most racist group of all ~ which is an absolute crock of bullensheiße!

And on that note I must go before I break something... cheerio folks!

Illustrated: a fat black man; bullenscheiße; an "ethnic" cornershopkeeper ~ allegedly murdered (probably in a racist attack)...

... sorry about yesterday's picture failure. Whoever posted the picture's account went down.


kelly Al-Saleh said...

Aye regarding the pointlessness of these meetings. To me it's no different to talking about the consistency of one's shites.

Just cause we're addicts doesn't mean we'll have anything more in common than just the fact we're addicts! Not my thing at all. Maybe I'm too introverted and like being alone (but don't like being lonely).

I've never got on with any form of group therapy. I just think they're too generalist to really make a difference to anyone. My long term psychotherapy is finally going to happen at the end of the month!

Take care Sweetie

Hope life is treating you much better than the nasty bitch is treating me.

xxoooxx Kelly

Baino said...

I would have thought these 'counselling' sessions would provide you with some lifestyle strategies to reduce your habit. They sound more like a moanfest. Shame. And racism is not restricted to the colour of the skin. Otherwise the Pakistanis and the Indians would get along just fine! And they're not the only two ethnic groups who feud.

Re the Thai curry paste thing . . they all have prawns in them. Thais use dried prawns or prawn paste and fish sauce in just about everything to give that salty flavour.

Liz said...

Did I tell you about the addict who was telling me he was hoping to get into rehab. He said, 'I don't have a problem giving up drugs, it's just that i start taking them again. But giving up is easy.' I got the feeling that he hadn't quite realised his problem!!

Syd said...

I hope that something works. An open mind and willingness to change helps. When ego is in charge, very little ever changes because I think that I know it all. It wasn't until my ego hit bottom that I finally was willing to listen and to hear. Hang in there with all of it.

molson said...

I wonder how the row between Val Mal and the Greek Witch went down.

Gledwood said...

o man I'm about to get terminated... have to reply later...

Gledwood said...

Kelly: I'm annoyed at people trying to prove THEY are the smartest baddest junkie ~ annoyed at all of it actually. A big waste of time

Baino: I'm not eating Thai curry paste again then! Why can't they just add salt?

Yes and I'm annoyed at racist biggoted antiracist biggots. No time left for them at all...

Liz: bloody hell. He couldn't have been taking heroin then surely? That's really hard to stop AND stay stopped on. The others like crack are easy to stop... for about an hour!

Syd: but I'm going to individual counselling from now on!

Molson: I'm not sure but yesterday Marilyn had her phone back ... insists the witch still has her charger...

Jeannie said...

I can imagine that the meetings might get a bit tiresome and going is probably more helpful to those who need an audience than to the audience itself.

Gledwood said...


I'm not going again in case I die of irritation or get arrested for assault/murder!



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood